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This post comes with a trigger warning because it is about self-harm. However, I hope that by sharing with you one of my most Messy, Beautiful stories, if you are currently struggling with self-harm, that this helps you “Carry On, Warrior,” as Glennon would say. We need to know we are not alone. In order to heal, we need to hear from people in similar situations as us who have carried on, and been able to work through some of these messy parts of life.
Here is my Messy, Beautiful story:
October 20, 2013 was the first day of Brene Brown’s online class,
The Gifts of Imperfection, through Oprah’s Lifeclass series.
I had all my supplies ready for my art projects. I was ready for
six weeks of focusing on combating shame and embracing vulnerability. I was
ready to be courageous and embrace my imperfection!
The first part of the art project was “Permission Slips,” where
you wrote down some of the things you needed to give yourself permission to do in order to engage in the work of this class. Some of the “Permission Slips”
might even be things you needed to give up. I knew there was one thing in
particular I had to give up if I was going to be sure I started to
heal from shame. I did not want to write it down though.
The second part of the project was to take a photo of
yourself with “I’m Imperfect and I’m Enough” written somewhere on your person;
most people chose to write it on their hand.
As I was getting ready to take my “I’m Imperfect and I’m Enough”
photo, I could feel the pain in my legs. Every time I sat down, the fabric of
my jeans pulled against raw skin. I had to remember to be careful how I sat so that I did not aggravate the sides of my upper
thighs where the day before I had cut myself. This was the thing I had to give
up, cutting.
Writing it down would not be enough because I knew in a few days
the raw skin would heal, I would forget the realities of what I was doing to
myself, and I would do it again. A picture would be the only way to remember
the gravity of what self-harm does. A picture was the only way to adequately
describe what happens to me, and many people like me, when shame is so
overwhelming and so painful that the only way we know how to release that inner
pain so we can get through our life, is to cut ourselves.
That’s what self harm is, a release. Not a cry for help, not one
step closer to suicide, it is a survival mechanism. I admit, not a good
survival mechanism, but often the only one we have when we are not getting the
help with shame resilience that we need, or we have not healed enough yet to
have other ways to survive. Contrary to popular belief, cutting is not only a
teen phenomenon or even something that starts in the teen years. I did not
start cutting until a few years go, at the age of 33. It was actually an
accident. I dropped a dish and I was overwhelmed because it was one more thing
that went wrong that day. As I was picking up the ceramic pieces, I cut myself
on one of them. I felt relieved and calm, and that’s how it started.
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| Photo copyright Jeff Norris, 2013. |
Then on October 20, 2013, I took the typical “I’m Imperfect and
I’m Enough” photo where I am smiling with the words written on my hand, this is
the photo I let others see. However, I also had my husband take a photo of me
where I wrote “I’m Imperfect and I’m Enough” with the raw cuts on my legs. I was
finally working with a therapist, the first in 19 years, who understood trauma
and shame, and I was embarking on this six week class with Brene Brown. I knew that now was the
time to give up cutting forever because I had the support system I needed to be
successful.
That was the most Messy, Beautiful photo I have ever taken.
Blessings,
Rev. Katie
