Do You See What I See?

Sometimes I don't realize how odd my bipolar mind can be unless I am talking to my very rational, very linear, very stoic husband. I don't know how he does not see the world like I do. How come music does not bring him to tears, or make him feel deeply connected to something larger than himself. How come sad stories in the news don't make him feel as if the world is doomed to be horrible forever? How come stories of incredible generosity do not give him faith in humans and hope for a better world? Why isn't everything either filled with beauty, music, and color, or darkness and despair? Why can't he stay up until 3am because some issue is so important that we have to talk about it right now? Why can't he feel another person's pain or fear? Where is all the passion, beauty, fear, and anxiety in life?

I feel like he is missing out on life at times, but I am pretty sure if both of us were this way we could never stay together. It frustrates me that sometimes I can not connect with him on the intense level I function at each day. I am a little sad that he will never see what I see. However, it is his stability and logical yet creative mind that keeps my overly creative mind from taking over our lives. His mind makes him great at what he does, and mine makes me great at what I do.

He always says he likes how I am more artistically creative and more empathetic than he is. He feels he has learned a lot about how to care about other people and connect socially from me. He has taught me how to take my instincts and process them so I know what logical next steps to take. Together we make a pretty good mix.

It is hard not to feel alone in your illness if people around you do not see life as you do. This is one of the things that can break up people who love each other. It seems like you can't connect sometimes, or your partner does not understand you. Just because others do not see what we see, that does not mean we are alone. It is up to us to realize  we still have connections with others and it is probably our differences that make us great partners or friends.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

The "Evil Spirits" Myth

I noticed this week that my blog came up under a search for the phrase "do evil spirits cause bi-polar." My blog was a search result probably because of the previous post I did about what religion has taught me about mental illness over the years. In my younger years it was not a positive message.

One of the reasons I wanted to write this blog about bipolar and spirituality was to help dispel this myth that evil spirits cause bipolar disorder. Whenever I would do a search of "bipolar spirituality," the evil spirits myth would pop up as a search result.

Photo by Jeff Norris

Besides the fact that it is just not scientifically possible for evil spirits to take you over, I also don't like that this line of thinking implies those of us with mental illness have no agency. If something else has taken us over and controls us, then there is nothing we can do. It is like being a puppet. We can't get better, we have no free will, we also have no responsibility. What that really means is that we have no hope. For me, hope is one of the things I need in order to live with this illness.

In the midst of deep depression, during mania, or thoughts of what life would be like without me here, I need hope. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had. I want a happy and healthy life. Hope tells me that I can keep going. It says this whole month might be bad, but maybe one day next month will be good. Hope reminds me that I can learn to manage my illness. I can know myself well enough to notice triggers and stop a downward spiral.

It is extremely devastating and dangerous to promote the myth that bipolar disorder is caused by evil spirits. There are actual counseling centers and religious institutions that teach this myth. I really feel that for counseling centers, it should be considered malpractice to tell people they are taken over by evil spirits. I have no words for how scary it is to think something evil possesses you.

For all of you who, like me, were taught that mental illness is caused by evil spirits, it's not true. It is a chemical imbalance, it may be hard but you can manage it, and you have choice in your own life.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Mania

I have been reading a lot about bipolar disorder online and watching videos of people's stories and I noticed something interesting. People seem very comfortable talking about the depression side of bipolar, but they hardly ever mention the manic side. They will go into detail about their suicidal thoughts, feelings of hopelessness, inability to work or care for themselves and others. Then they say, in passing, that they also have manic episodes.

Is this because depression is becoming a bit less stigmatized so it is easier to talk about? Is this because mania is the part that scares other people? Is this because mania is when we do really embarrassing or stupid things?

Mania is described as a feeling of euphoria, feelings of grandiosity, reckless actions such as excessive spending, feeling that nothing bad will ever happen to you, fast speech, and racing thoughts. In my experience, this is the part of bipolar that people are most scared of. No one wants you making a fool of yourself at a party, spending all of your savings, speeding down the highway, or Facebooking and texting while manic. We do not want this to happen either, and I think that is why we don't talk about it.

I was not diagnosed correctly with bipolar disorder until I finally told my doctor about symptoms that I was too embarrassed to mention. My mania is actually more anger than euphoria. I might speed down the street not out of a sense that I am invincible, but because I am so mad.

I noticed the other day that I was in a manic phase, but it was a bit different than what I was used to. I had turned up the music really loud and was dancing and singing with my son. I did feel euphoric and like nothing bad could ever happen. I also didn't notice that it was 10pm and the backyard speakers were on so I think the neighbors got a bit too much Selena Gomez and Black Eyed Peas when they were trying to sleep. Happy mania is new for me, and if it is controlled, can make for some really fun times with my son who laughs hysterically at me.

I have no scientific evidence to back this up, but I think that some of us may manifest mania as anger or happiness based on our life situation. When I was little, there were many things that happened in my life that made me mad, such as illness of loved ones for one example. Now life in general is better and I think my mania is changing as well.

I don't think either kind of mania is good because you are more likely to do stupid things when you are either really happy or really mad. Actually, excessive spending or excessive eating happens during either time. Or you might commit to things you really can't do, start a new businesses, or make huge life changes.

after manic organizing

I do have to admit that there are advantages to mania because this is usually when we are the most creative and the most brilliant. Medication takes that away for many of us and that is one of the reasons some of us stop medication. To me, mania represents the creative spark, and I don't really want to get rid of that. I would not mind if it was a bit less like a firecracker and more like a candle flame though.

Mania can be embarrassing, scary, extremely creative and productive, and no one wants to talk about it. However, until I did talk about it, I went misdiagnosed for seven years.

Mania is just part of who we are and part of what we have to manage.  I try to think of managing the manic phases as harnessing the power I have within me to make it productive and not destructive.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Can't Sleep

It's 1:20am, recently that is still early in the evening for me.

I wrote a post a few days ago about not being able to do what "normal" people do, like stay up late and still function. If I do that for a day or two, I may not sleep for weeks. One slip, one change, can derail the management of my illness.

A few weeks ago I went to a conference for the weekend and we were up really late each night. Last week my husband and I were the main caregivers for my Mom since my Dad was out of town. Unfortunately this created many late nights and a lot of stress. These events have led to me being virtually unable to go to bed before 3 or 4am.


That is one of the things which is so frustrating about this illness, I can't make myself do what I need to. It would make sense for me to just go to bed. I do, but I can't fall asleep. I can lay in bed awake for hours. I surf the internet on my iPad because I am bored.

I am literally watching myself stay awake, telling myself to go to sleep, totally annoyed that I can't force myself to sleep. It is like watching a car with no breaks speed down the road. Actually, your brain kind of feels that way.

I don't have a reason why many people with bipolar can't force themselves to do the right thing to care for themselves. No doctor has ever had a solution for how to get around this besides trying to address symptoms.

Can't sleep? Take a sleeping pill. Eat too much? We have a pill for that. Can't finish a project because you get distracted? Take a stimulant. Won't exercise? We don't have a pill for that. BUT, the stimulant we gave you makes your heart race when you run, so don't run.

I just need to pick a 5K or something and sign up for it so I have some outside commitment which makes it more likely that I will exercise-which I can't do unless I get enough sleep, and if I run enough one of these days I might wear myself out enough to fall asleep before 3am.

Here's to hoping I can trick my brain into doing the right thing.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Too Afraid to Share

I asked my husband to read over a potential blog post today. After he read it, he said, "This is not your style." He pointed out that my writing style for this blog is very different than my other blog, Moving in With Dementia, and my preaching style. Interestingly, Jeff said the problem with the posts on this blog is that they are too preachy. No one ever wants a preacher who is too preachy!

My style is storytelling. When I write a sermon, I need a story first. No story, no sermon. It's just who I am. So, why is my style for this blog so different?

I am afraid to share my story.

I am not afraid to tell people about my bipolar disorder, and even share a bit about it, but I realized I am afraid to say too much. People with mental illness are judged so harshly that our jobs, family life, and friendships are at risk if people know too much about us. That is why most of us don't speak up.

However, the purpose of this blog was to let other people with mental illness and their families know they are not alone. Sharing our stories is what connects us, not sticking to just intellectual, heady talk about what is going on.

From my experience, having mental illness makes you feel like a freak. Heck, other people actually call us freaks. It is lonely, not only for me but for my husband and son. Sometimes it feels like we are the only people dealing with this because very few people actually talk about it.


So today, part of our story included being lucky that I even got out of bed this morning. Jeff actually got me to go for a walk, which was a big deal. (I was supposed to go running and just couldn't do it.) One of my great therapists said we were working towards having days when I don't wake up and automatically think "I hate my life." I have very few of those mornings, but I will keep working for them.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Not Normal? Embrace It!

The best advice one of my doctors ever gave me is that I am not normal, so I should stop trying to "be like everyone else." Thank God, because that was getting exhausting!

The more I try to do what other people can do, the worse my illness gets. For instance, it's best if I don't stay up late, or go to bed and wake up at different times each day. That increases my bipolar cycling. When I try to go to conferences where we are up late every night, getting up early, sleeping 3-4 hours a night, I am a wreck. I am also not a morning person so I need to adjust my schedule accordingly. There are a lot of things I need to do to adjust my life so I can stay functional.

The hard thing about needing to structure your life this way is that other people think it is weird, or you are just trying to be annoying. They think the restrictions are just a way to cause problems. But in reality, when I follow all the things I need to do to keep myself stable, I am just managing my illness. It is no different than people with diabetes who have to take insulin and watch what they eat. Or people who have an occupational therapy schedule, medicine schedules, or dialysis. We are all just doing what we need to be healthy, I just wish the things I need to do were as acceptable as what others do who have illnesses they need to manage.

The only thing that is normal a out life, is that no one is "normal." We all have special things about us that we need to navigate. Embrace who you are and work with what you have.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

"You're Too Difficult to Treat"

Five years ago we moved to a new state. I was in an area where I did not know any doctors or anything about their mental health system, which meant I bounced from psychiatrist to psychiatrist and psychologist to psychologist until I found one of each that worked well with me.

I had been referred to a "great" psychiatrist by my primary care doctor and was quite optimistic about finding someone who could figure out medication for me. I sat down in this man's office, told him my background, to which he said "You're too difficult for me to treat. I don't deal with people who have such severe bipolar disorder."

Well, that was disappointing.

I have what is called rapid cycling bipolar II. Yes, there are quite a few variations of bipolar disorder and one of the reasons I went undiagnosed for so long is because my type is not the typical (if there is a typical bipolar) DSM-IV definition of bipolar I which (simplified) is fluctuating manic and depressed states, each of those states lasting for at least seven days. Then there is bipolar II which also has episodes of fluctuating mood, but the up moods don't reach full mania. In both of these forms, you could be in a depressed or manic state for months at a time.

Rapid cycling means you go from mania to depression at least four times a year, but it can be as frequent as a few times a week, or even a few times a day. I cycle at least a few times a day on average. Apparently this type of bipolar is more severe (I think all forms of bipolar are severe though), which is why the new doctor would not treat me. He did send me to a bipolar specialist, who was a good psychiatrist and was the one to finally make the additional diagnosis of ADD, which explained a lot.

For a far better explanation of rapid cycling than I can give, read this article called "Rapid-Cycling: Hard to define, even harder to treat," by John McManamy.

I get a bit tired of not being a "normal" case of anything. For instance, I also am extremely sensitive to medication so even a small dosage will give me an extreme result.

I am eternally frustrated with the fact that there is little information for atypical cases of mental illness, yet with all the people I have met with mental illness, many of us don't fit the definitions found in the DSM-IV manual exactly.

My point is, often we have to be our own advocates. Even if it seems like your illness is too severe or too complicated, keep looking for a doctor that will treat you well, as the individual you are. I wish more people would share their stories of bipolar and other forms of mental illness so that we had more information on some of the atypical cases.

It is also sad that our doctors are in a bind because while they may see these atypical cases and know of alternative treatments, because there is no real funding for research for the outliers, they often don't suggest atypical treatment because it has not been scientifically tested enough. Atypical treatment means anything from medicines intended for a different illness that also seem to help people with bipolar, or food allergies, exercise, and diet changes that help ease some of they symptoms.

Just never give up and keep looking for more information. Keep detailed records of your moods each day, or each hour if need be. Document exercise, sleep, diet, vitamins. Document how your body and mind feel instead of believing when a doctor tells you "that would never happen." Have faith that you know yourself, and find a doctor who has faith in you as well.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie