On Cooking Chicken and Accepting Limitations

We have no food cooked in the house and I was feeling great after a productive morning, so at the grocery store today, I bought a chicken. A whole chicken.

Because I was feeling great, and I had all of this time today, and we have no food. I was going to easily make a chicken and even cook stuff to go with it! Like those butternut squash that have been sitting around forever on the kitchen counter and I hope have not sprouted inside.

My son and I got home from the grocery store, I cooked up the sausage I had bought us, and we ate lunch together. He went to his room to play on the computer, and I sat in front of my computer. Now its 3pm, and I still have that chicken and those butternut squash.

All of this seemed so accessible earlier in the day. I thought I had all this time, and cooking a chicken and squash is easy for most people. I was so excited because we were going to have food! I was going to have dinner ready when my husband got home. We were going to have leftovers so we actually had breakfast tomorrow, whereas today all my son got to eat for breakfast was beef jerky and dried cherries.

It is 3pm, and I have at least 3 hours to cook this chicken and I just don't know if it will happen. This is what it is like when you have limited hours with which to function each day. You have no idea what each day will bring, how much time you will have, and if today is the day you can figure out how to cook a chicken, or not.

I am getting better at not feeling bad about these days because, what good would that do? I don't really care that other people find it easy to cook a chicken and squash for dinner. I don't really care that we may all be eating jerky and dried fruit for dinner tonight. I am exhausted and overwhelmed, and just not functioning. If I push myself over what I can handle, I risk triggering bipolar cycling which will end up with me either a crying mess or a screaming lady by the time dinner roles around. So, even if I push myself and cook the chicken, I doubt my husband or son would enjoy who they were eating the chicken with.

The chicken is taunting me from the fridge. In a while I may have rested enough to actually get that chicken into the oven. If not, that is ok.

It is hard to accept your limits, especially in our world of competition and shaming. Where parents shame other parents for how many fun places they took their kids, or did not take their kids, in the summer. Where those who have an easy time cooking chickens, taking care of dogs and kids, and working, look down on those of us who are lucky if we got out of our pajamas.

Everyone has different limits. I choose to be grateful for the things I can do, instead of hate myself for what I can't.

Here is what I did do today:

• I got up at a normal time today! (Shocking)
• I got to CrossFit and did a workout that was awesome.
• I bought groceries so at least we have food should any of us figure out how to cook it. 
• I got through the grocery store without a panic attack! 
• The dogs have been taken outside, so I have not had to clean up anything off the floor. (Win!)
• I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and got dressed.
• I had a therapy appointment.
• I watched a TV show with my son.
• My son laughed at me while I sang a song about Baba Ganoush, which he won't eat. 
• I am neither depressed or manic. (Also a win.)
• I wrote this blog post, after zoning out on the interwebs for a while. 

That's a pretty good day, even if the chicken never gets cooked.

UPDATE: The chicken is in the oven, plus one butternut squash because I did not have the energy to peel and cut two of them. But, OMG!! You have to clean up after the chicken and squash get into the oven. And then clean up after you eat it all. See, that is why one "simple" task is not so simple.
...And, it is now 8:30pm and I just realized that the only reason I was able to cook the chicken is because I had a parenting fail and completely forgot that my son had CrossFit Kids tonight. See, again, this is why it's a bad idea to overextend yourself. You end up getting everything out of whack.

What are the great things you did today that you should be proud of?

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Mental Illness as a Spiritual Issue: A Reflection on Matt Walsh's post about Robin Williams

I read Matt Walsh's blog post "Robin Williams didn't die from a disease, he died from his own choice," and I wanted to hate it. Ok, well, I hated most of it. I vehemently disagree with most of what he wrote, and find parts of it far too shaming of people who die by suicide. In fact, I don't particularly like most of what he writes on his blog in general. We just don't line up politically, and that is fine.

I don't think arguing with him is the best course of action, but I do want my own readers to know where I stand on the basics of some of what Walsh said.

I disagree with Walsh where he says:
"First, suicide does not claim anyone against their will. No matter how depressed you are, you never have to make that choice. That choice. Whether you call depression a disease or not, please don’t make the mistake of saying that someone who commits suicide “died from depression.” No, he died from his choice. He died by his own hand. Depression will not appear on the autopsy report, because it can’t kill you on its own. It needs you to pull the trigger, take the pills, or hang the rope. To act like death by suicide is exactly analogous to death by malaria or heart failure is to steal hope from the suicidal person. We think we are comforting him, but in fact we are convincing him that he is powerless. We are giving him a way out, an excuse. Sometimes that’s all he needs — the last straw."

I think this is too simplistic a look at the disease of mental illness. I do believe mental illness is very much like cancer, and that the disease has the ability to take over our mind enough that we do not have a choice. Just like cancer can progress so far that no amount of radiation or treatment will save a person, the mind can be so compromised that people can no longer save themselves. I have seen people get at that threshold. The mind can break, just like any part of the body can.

Our mind is what controls everything. Our mind controls our ability to choose, and if the mind is ill enough, then it makes sense that such a choice may at some point become unavailable to us. From Williams' recent stay in rehab, we can tell that he was reaching out. He was trying to intervene with his illness early enough and trying not to get to that threshold where suicide would claim him against his will. We don't understand mental illness enough to know if a person is safe being left alone for five minutes, or not. We don't have a test to show how broken the brain is at any point, and if a person is at risk of death by suicide. Death by suicide is not an "excuse." Talking with compassion, rather than shame as Walsh's post does, about people who have died by suicide does not increase the incidence of it. Having a compassionate stance on death by suicide, just like we have with death from other illnesses, gets us talking about it. This allows people to know that it is safe to reach out before their mind has completely shut down so that they have more of a chance of recovery.

I could go into more details of the other parts of Walsh's post I disagree with, but I think this gives a basic overview: I fundamentally do see mental illness in the same way as other illnesses, and I take a hard, shame-free stance, when talking about death by suicide. (Here is a great post on how mental illness is not selfish.)

Rock balancing, spiritual practice taught to me by my therapist. Photo Copyright Katie Norris.

The one point Walsh brings up that I do think is worth taking a deeper look at is this:
"I can understand atheists who insist that depression must only be a disease of the brain, as they believe that our entire being is contained by, and comprised of, our physical bodies. But I don’t understand how theists, who acknowledge the existence of the soul, think they can draw some clear line of distinction between the body and the soul, and declare unequivocally that depression is rooted in one but not the other. This is a radically materialist view now shared by millions of spiritualist people."

First of all, I know a lot of atheists, and I have ministerial colleagues who are atheists, so I won't even argue how Walsh's definition of atheism that supposes atheists have nothing to do with spirituality is inaccurate. Theist or not, I do think there is a point here that mental illness is also a spiritual issue. I define the spiritual or divine as that which you feel is greater than yourself. For some people the spirit is a personal soul, for others it is God, for others it is the energy of the Universe that created us and holds us all together, and yet for others it is the connection between humans or even our own connection to our deep inner selves. All things are connected, and I would say that all disease is spiritual as well as physical. Most of the world's religions understand there is a connection between mind, body, and spirit. We need to treat all illnesses from a spiritual perspective, as well as a physical one, and that is why I think Walsh does bring up a good point about mental illness being a spiritual issue.

I love the line from the musical, Next to Normal, (about a woman, Diana, with bipolar disorder) where Diana sings "What if the cut, the burn, the break, was never in my brain, or in my blood, but in my soul?" This was referring to the fact that, while she had a lot of medical intervention, part of her illness was triggered by the death of her son, This was a spiritual loss, which her husband refused to address, and which was not a main part of her treatment.

www.owningpink.com

I do think that one of the things missing in mental health treatment is the spiritual aspect, and that is one reason why we have such low success rates for treatment.

I would encourage people to read Lissa Rankin, MD's book "Mind Over Medicine" for a great resource on the current research on how the mind, body, and spirit are connected. It is the perfect mix of how a medical and spiritual model can meld together. I love her "Whole Health Cairn," which depicts stones balancing on top of each other that show what you need for whole health. The stones are housed within a bubble of service, love, pleasure, and gratitude. Many of the "stones" we need to balance for whole health are spiritual, such as the biggest base stone being our "inner pilot light." Rankin says: "Your Inner Pilot Light is that ever-radiant, always-sparkly, 100% authentic, totally effervescent spark that lies at the core of you. Call it your essential self, your divine spark, your Christ consciousness, your Buddha nature, your higher self, your soul, your wise self, your intuition, or your inner healer. The minute sperm met egg, this part of you ignited, and it’s been glowing away ever since."

So yes, I see mental illness as a physical and spiritual issue, and in order to have a good treatment plan, one must work on the spiritual side as well. For each of us that is different. For some it will be a deep belief and connection to God or Jesus, for others of us it will be a focus on spending time in nature. I strongly believe though that all of us need to have a connection with our own inner pilot light in order to heal. You will notice this being important even in Walsh's post, where he says, in struggling with his own depression,: "When we are depressed, we have trouble seeing joy, or feeling it, or feeling worthy of it. I know that in my worst times, at my lowest points, it’s not that I don’t see the joy in creation, it’s just that I think myself too awful and sinful a man to share in it."

If we do not have a connection to our soul, our inner pilot light, our deepest selves, then yes we see ourselves as awful, sinful, or bad. I would say, we feel shameful, as Brene Brown, PhD defines shame as the belief of: "I am bad." In all the people I work with who have mental illness, this is the sticking point, the core belief, that few people seem to understand, and medications have a very hard time treating. I believe this is the extra work, the spiritual work, that we need to do in order to decrease the rates of death by suicide. I also believe this is why we can not talk about death by suicide as a "choice," "excuse," or "selfish." Such shaming talk reinforces the core belief that we are bad, which worsens mental illness. Plus, shame is the opposite of empathy, and as Dr. Brene Brown says, shame cannot survive empathy." So what we really need is an empathetic response to suicide, suicidality, and mental illness if we are ever to help people heal. That is the spiritual work we need to do as a community.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

P.S. If you or someone you know is suicidal, please reach out. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK. I have called, I know many like me who have called, and they help. 

Corseting: Respecting How My Body Works

This post was originally written for The Body is Not an Apology, where I am a Content Writer.

I have had a binge eating disorder since I was in grade school. Sitting down to eat a family-sized bag of Skittles on my own in one sitting was not unusual for me. Now I know that binging on food, especially sugary food, was the only way I knew at that age to medicate my mental illnesses of panic and bipolar disorder. Sugar does a lot to the brain, especially increasing serotonin, just as antidepressants do - except that sugar is unregulated, and you need more and more of it to get the same effect.

Due to binge eating, I gained weight and started dieting - mostly starvation diets and low-fat diets that made me feel horrible and actually did make me crazy. My anxiety and bipolar disorder went through the roof every time I dieted, but I didn’t care, because at least I was skinny and people treated me better. This is what everyone told me to do, even doctors.

With all of the dieting, I lost all sense of hunger cues, I ate processed foods with no nutrition because they were low in “points,” and I rarely ate fruits (too high in calories) or vegetables because you couldn’t eat them with anything that tasted any good. Sandwich Thins and fat free bologna comprised every meal, while I binged on Skinny Cow ice cream bars in between. As long as I lost weight, the doctors were happy - and the weight loss company I was paying was really happy. I would go for half a day without eating to save up my calories for a meal I wanted if I was going out with friends.

Then, two years later, I could not handle the dieting and I would gain the weight all back. I swung to the other side, still eating processed foods, but not the low-fat ones anymore. Whether I was dieting or not, I had constant stomach issues; rarely did food stay in my body for very long. I was allergic to some of what I was eating and had terrible skin problems as well. Basically, I learned to destroy my body - to never listen to it and what it needed. I was told my stomach issues were all Irritable Bowel Syndrome and it was normal for me to be sick all the time. No doctor ever recommended to me that I should listen to what my body was telling me.

This cycle of binging and dieting slowly started to change when I started wearing a corset daily. First of all, as I mentioned in my previous post, due to wearing a corset, I don’t hate my body anymore, so I rarely feel like I have to diet or look different. Second, wearing a corset requires you to know your body. You have to respect your body.

Rev. Katie with her son. Corset by Dark Garden. 

When you get a new corset, the steel bones are stiff. It needs time to be seasoned and to mold to your body. You have to learn to listen to your body and to never wear a corset too tight, too long, or if it is applying pressure anywhere that makes you hurt.

I also find that I can’t starve myself in a corset. Whenever I under-eat (such as with dieting), I get light headed, tired, angry, and tend to have faster bipolar swings. In a corset, I become aware of when I am hungry faster, and I have to eat small meals throughout the day, which for me is better for my brain. (Some people do great on intermittent fasting and other patterns of eating.) I think since the corset helps you learn to honor your body and listen to it, corset wearers learn what pattern of eating is best for their bodies and helps them function well.

Previously, I had been able to put up with the extreme stomach pain and other daily issues from eating things that did not work well with my body. Now in a corset, when I eat something that bothers my stomach, I notice right away; the extreme cramps caused by allergenic foods are apparent while corseted. Many people while corseted cannot drink carbonated drinks or foods that ferment in the stomach, such as pasta. When corseted, I don’t eat things my body does not like because I know it will be uncomfortable, and because becoming more aware of my body has made me respect it more. Before I could just get away with ignoring my body and abusing it. The corset makes me very aware of everything my body feels and, for me, this change has resulted in being pretty amazed at how my body works.

My experience with corsets is not unique, and it is also not universal. I am sure some people continue to abuse their bodies while corseted. Different things work for different people. But there is so much negative stigma out there about people who wear corsets that it’s important to shed light on the ways in which corsets help many of us. Society sees corsets as oppressive garments that women only wear for attention, but many of us who wear them have found them to be extremely helpful on our journey to radical self-love.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

"Vincent and The Doctor:" In Celebration of World Bipolar Day 2014

Today is the first World Bipolar Day:

"World Bipolar Day (WBD) will be celebrating its inaugural year on March 30th, the birthday of Vincent Van Gogh, who was posthumously diagnosed as probably having bipolar disorder. The vision of WBD is to bring world awareness to bipolar disorders and eliminate social stigma. Through international collaboration the goal of World Bipolar Day is to bring the world population information about bipolar disorders that will educate and improve sensitivity towards the illness."

Logo from ISBD.

Since Vincent Van Gogh's birthday was chosen to celebrate this day, I think it is fitting to talk about one of the TV shows I feel raises awareness about bipolar disorder, helps decrease stigma, and increases compassion: Dr. Who's "Vincent and the Doctor" (Season 5: Episode 10.) When I saw this episode, I felt like part of my story was being told. It was a compassionate understanding of mental illness and the struggle of those of us with bipolar disorder.

I think what the episode shows about mental illness that most people fail to understand, is that while our mind may not work the way we want it to sometimes, one of the amazing things about our illness is the way we see the world. We often see it as more real than other people. In Dr. Who, Van Gogh not only sees the nuances of color, light, and beauty in the world, which makes him a great painter, he also sees truths that others do not see. As Van Gogh says, "There is so much more to the world than the average eye can see."

In this science fiction story, something has recently brought death to the community, which everyone blames on the "madness" of Van Gogh. We discover though that the thing which is bringing death is a monster from another world that no one else can see, except Van Gogh.

Our Van Gogh/Dr. Who Poster. Copyright C. Norris.

This ability to see more than others can- whether that be through physical sight, increased empathy (which can be seen in the show with Van Gogh's ability to see Amy's sadness over a loss even she does not remember consciously), superior leadership skills, the ability to see organizational systems, etc...- is well documented in bipolar disorder. You can read about this in A First Rate Madness by Dr. Nassir Ghaemi and Touched with Fire by Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison. Many people see us as irrational, eccentric, too sensitive, too emotional, and thus disregard what we see and feel. The research shows that we actually have more insight that people believe we have. I love in the show when Van Gogh says "I may be mad, but I'm not stupid." So true, and what so many of us want to say to those who think we are incapable of contributing to the world.

Dr. Who also shows the great agony those of us with bipolar live with daily, and yet we fight to carry on anyway. One of the things many of us worry about is that our illness will make us unable to leave anything good behind when we die. Will we ever be worthy of the precious life we were given? There is a beautiful scene at the end of the episode when The Doctor, Amy, and Van Gogh travel forward in time to the 21st century and Van Gogh is able to see that he has made a difference and left the world more beautiful.

The museum guide, an expert in Van Gogh's art says of Vincent:
"He transformed the pain of his tormented life into ecstatic beauty. Pain is easy to portray but to use your passion and pain to portray the ecstasy, joy, and magnificence of our world; no one had ever done it before, perhaps no one ever will again. To my mind that strange, wild man.... was not only the worlds greatest artist, but also one of the greatest men who ever lived."

Transforming the pain of my tormented life into beauty and good is something I strive for every day. Most people I know like me are all trying to do this, but rarely does the world see our resiliency, gifts, or talents because too many people choose to focus only on the negative aspects of the illness.

After their trip to the future, Amy believes they have "saved" Van Gogh and prevented his suicide. After they return Vincent to his own time, she hurries back to 2010 and thinks she will see hundreds of new paintings by Van Gogh hanging in the museum. However, they were unable to "save" Van Gogh, and he still dies from suicide at 37 years old.

Bipolar disorder is complex and like any illness, it takes lives. We wish we could save everyone, but we can not. Sometimes we are unable to find the right treatment in time to prevent death by suicide. It is sad, and I wish this were different, but this is a reality our loved ones have to understand about mental illness. They need to understand this for their own well-being, because the burden of attempting to "save" someone is too much for anyone to bear.

Because they could not prevent his death, Amy thinks they did not make a difference to Van Gogh's life at all, but she is wrong. Showing someone compassion always makes a difference, it makes our life better, and we never forget it.

As Dr. Who says to Amy, "Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa. The bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant. And, we definitely added to his pile of good things."

I believe Vincent and the Doctor is the perfect show to watch on this, the first World Bipolar Day, for it reminds us that:

• Those of us with bipolar see and experience the wonder and beauty of the world, also it's pain and sadness, in a way that others do not. This can be a struggle at times, but it is also an amazing gift, a gift which we can use to make the world a better place.
• We may not always be able to fix or save someone, but we can always add to their pile of good things. The simplest way to do this is to show another person compassion.

In honor of World Bipolar Day, may we all add to someone's pile of good things today.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

How I Discovered the Brain/Gut Connection

There is a news article going around from NPR called "Gut Bacteria Might Guide the Working of Our Minds." Quite a few people have contacted me about this article asking if I have seen it since they know I use diet rather than medication to manage my bipolar disorder. For me, the article is not new information. I heard about the brain/gut connection many years ago but it has not been widely accepted or talked about in main stream medicine so few people know about it. However, this information is saving my life so I wanted to let you know how I found out about it and give you some resources for your own research.

The NPR article only talks about gut bacteria and how they have found that the bacteria in our gut effects our brain. For instance, in one study with mice, they put the gut bacteria of non-anxious mice into mice with anxiety and the anxiety in those mice decreased. They then reversed it and gave non-anxious mice the gut bacteria of anxious mice and the non-anxious mice developed anxiety.

I first discovered at least a connection between what you eat and mental illness when I was a child. As early as I can remember, I would constantly overeat sugar in order to make myself feel better. I actually ate spoonfuls of sugar out of a 5lb. bag. Throughout my childhood I was anxious, scared, sad, manic, angry, and seeing things that were not there. Somehow I discovered when I ate large amounts of sugar, these things got better. Of course, at that age I had no idea what was really happening and I did not make the connection that eating large amounts of sugar only perpetuated the problem, making me more manic if I did not keep up with eating copious amounts of sugar daily. I first read about this and how sugar increases serotonin in the brain when I was in my 20's and found the book "Potatoes, Not Prozac." This started my journey of researching how food and gut bacteria effect the brain.

Brain food snack. Photo copyright Jeff Norris.

I think the hardest part about using dietary and lifestyle changes to manage an illness, any illness, is that most of the researchers never work together and they only focus on one part of the problem. For instance, "Potatoes, Not Prozac" does tell you to eliminate sugar but there is no research in there about gut bacteria and brain health. Basically, you need to do a lot of your own research and put together the information all of the scientists have discovered and find what works for you.

My next step was a psychiatrist who told me that cutting out sugar and increasing my daily amount of animal protein could help with my ADD and mania. He said he read a few papers on it but usually did not recommend it because medication was easier, "no one wants to change their diet," he said. As I did more research, it was not surprising to me that more animal protein helps with mania. There is a lot of research about using a ketogenic diet to manage epilepsy and the drugs used for epilepsy control bipolar disorder so it seems to make sense that for some reason a diet that helps epilepsy would also help bipolar disorder. But again, two fields of research working independently of each other and thus information is rarely shared.

Every time I implemented one of these dietary changes, I got better. After a few weeks of sugar withdrawal, not eating sugar made my depression better, but I was still angry all the time (mania). Increasing animal protein got rid of the anger. The biggest issue with any of this though, at least in my experience living in the midwest, is that few doctors, even if they have read the research, really ever use diet to treat mental illness so none of them can help guide you find out what works for you. I will write a full post on this issue, but this has been for me and the people I work with, the biggest reason it is so hard to stick with dietary and lifestyle choices, it is just not supported in our culture, especially by society in general. Try going to a dinner party and not eating dessert or drinking and you will find just how difficult it is to eat what is best for you. I also developed a binge eating disorder from the sugar addiction and then trying to follow Weight Watchers which got me to be militant about food rules. So for years I have gone back and forth with what I eat.

Then my husband, who has always had a iron stomach, got very sick. He could not keep any food in him and his immune system was shutting down. He had all the tests done and was told he had Irritable Bowl and there was nothing they could do for him. We could not imagine that his whole life would be like this and a friend told us to try cutting out gluten (wheat) even though my husband did not test positive for a wheat allergy. He got better right away and since I was eating the same as him, I noticed my moods evened out. From there I went back to researching the link between food and mood and then found the Paleo diet which cuts out all grains, dairy, sugar, and legumes and I felt even better.

Photo copyright Jeff Norris.

Through the Paleo community is where I found a wealth of information. Books explaining why I had Irritable Bowl since I was a child, as well as eczema and a whole host of other issues. There were many stories from people who said their moods improved on the Paleo diet and then I found all of the research on bacteria and gut health. It was amazing. All of these things completely made sense to me and just a week into a Paleo diet I start to feel remarkably better.

Over these many years, my eating disorder has gotten worse and today that is still the thing that makes it hard for me to stick to eating Paleo. Not only will people argue, shame, and pressure you not to eat this way, but any way of eating that seems to have a lot of rules can trigger your eating disorder if you have not worked through the eating disorder with a therapist. However, more people are writing about this and talking about how to ease into a Paleo diet and find the foods that work with your body and help you recover from an eating disorder. That might mean you eat some dairy or none at all. You might tolerate white rice, or not. However, no where have I found that people with mental illness do well eating wheat, sugar, or artificial sugars. Sugar and wheat easily allow detrimental bacteria to grow like wildfire in your gut.

I will not say this has been an easy path because it has not been for me. I will write more about the journey in future posts. Basically, I have been Paleo for over a year now and when I can be 100% Paleo, my moods even out within a week and I am very stable. It works better and faster than any medication I have ever tried, with none of the side effects. As I work through my eating disorder I am confident I will be able to stick to this better and better as time goes on.

I would like to link you to some resources that you might find helpful in doing your own research about the brain/gut and food/mood connections. These are just a few of the resources I have, but I think it is enough to get you started!

Blessings,
Rev. Katie

General Resources:
Blog: Evolutionary Psychology by Emily Deans, M.D. This is the place to go for all the real research and studies about food/mood and the brain/gut connection.  Seriously, fantastic. This is the place to start your research!

Blog: i bee free - Fantastic blog by Courtney who has been able to really stick with the Paleo diet with modifications that fit for her. From i bee free: "Under a doctor’s care for hypothyroidism, Courtney Rundell ended up in a mental hospital and was misdiagnosed bipolar. A year later, she was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, an autoimmune thyroid disease that causes both hyperthyroidism and hypothyroidism. Neither her psychiatrist or endocrinologist reconsidered her bipolar diagnosis...Improperly treated Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and Adrenal Fatigue were the cause of decades of suffering. After a lot of trial-and-error, she’s found the Paleo Autoimmune Protocol, minor supplementation, a regular sleeping schedule, yoga and meditation to be much more powerful than handfuls of pharmaceuticals."

Book:  Gut and Psychology Syndrome: Natural Treatment for Autism, Dyspraxia, A.D.D., Dyslexia, A.D.H.D., Depression, Schizophrenia. by Natasha Campbell-McBride, M.D.


Paleo Resources:
Website & Books : Balanced Bites by Diane Sanfilippo, BS, NC. Diane's website is a wealth of information but so are two of her books, Practical Paleo and The 21 Day Sugar Detox. She has information about the connection between food and your gut and all different illnesses.

Website:  Paleo Parents by Matt and Stacy. They have two cookbooks as well as chronicle living Paleo with kids. Stacy has lost over 100 pounds and talks about finding the diet that works best for you and loving your body as it is. This is a great resource for anyone with an eating disorder to start to learn how to eat even if you have health restrictions but not turn to eating disordered militant rules and body shaming.

Podcast: The Paleo View. Podcast featuring many Paleo experts covering all kinds of topics, including eating disorders, food and mood, and the brain/gut connection.

Website: The Paleo Mom by Sarah Ballantyne, Ph.D. Sarah is a wealth of information about using Paleo to heal autoimmune disorders and she explains the science behind the Paleo diet.

Website: Chris Kresser L.AC. Lots of science about the brain/gut connection.

Go-to Books about Paleo and all the science behind it:
The Paleo Solution by Robb Wolf. If you want a book with all the science but that is easy to understand, this book is for you.

The Paleo Diet by Loren Cordain, Ph.D. Considered the first book about Paleo that really got the movement started. There is a lot of science in this book and on his website with tons of published research papers.

Paleo and Eating Disorders Information:
Paleo and Eating Disorders from Paleo Diet Lifestyle by Sebastien Noel
Can the Paleo Diet Cure Bulimia? from Paleo Healing by Doron Dusheiko
Disordered Eating from Paleo Pepper.

Recovering from Mental Illness by Combatting Shame

I have had many good therapists since I was 19 years old but recently one noticed that I had a lot of trauma and abuse which was not being addressed properly. She referred me to another therapist who specializes in this and I have been seeing him for ten months. He is really the first therapist who has been able to help me actually start to recover from my bipolar disorder rather than just manage it. How did he do this? He requires me to have compassion for myself. (Which is probably advice now I have shared with many of you personally.)

Why does this work? Because it combats shame. In trauma and abuse, shame is what devastates you in the end. It is what hurts your soul, reprograms your brain, creates imbalance, and ruins your life. Shame becomes programmed into us. It is so automatic in many of our own minds and in our culture that we do not even realize this is what is hurting us, or even that it is happening.

Frankly, many people think shame is the way to make/encourage people to do better in life. Many parents subscribe to a definition of "tough love" which really entails shaming. I noticed this when my son spilled a milkshake into my purse the other day. At first, I heard in my mind the reaction I was trained to have: "Jeffrey! What's wrong with you? You need to be more careful! Look what you did! You ruined my purse. I can't take you anywhere." But instead I said "Jeffrey!" and paused knowing I could never say those things to my beautiful child. I continued with "Oh no, your milkshake! Let's clean it up and get you a new one. We all spill things." 

As shame researcher Dr. Brene Brown says we need to understand the difference between guilt and shame:

Guilt = I did something bad.
Shame = I am bad.

Yelling at my son "What's wrong with you? I can't take you anywhere!" would have been shaming him- telling him he was bad. 

If we think we are bad, if we feel shame or other people shame us by telling us we are bad, then we believe we are not worthy of connection and belonging. If we are not worthy of connection and belonging, which humans are hard-wired for, then we enter into despair and our lives fall apart. In her Super Soul Sunday show with Oprah, Dr. Brown says: "Shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, eating disorders, violence, bullying, and aggression. Guilt is inversely correlated with those."

Watch this amazing clip to see this explained in a powerful way:




My therapist has been continually working with me to help stop me when I go into shaming myself. As I have worked with my therapist, I see how shame pervades my life. In everything I do, good or bad, I shame myself. I believe bad things happen because I am a bad person who makes them happen and good things must only happen to me due to a fluke or I must have done something bad in order to get this thing that is good. That means I probably shame myself almost 24/7. That is just not healthy and if shame is correlated with high rates depression, I am sure it is correlated in many ways to other mental illnesses.

So, how has my therapist helped me recognize shame? Dr. Brown says the one thing that combats shame is empathy, which for me is the compassion that my therapist is trying to teach me to have for myself. He notices when I shame myself right away, but in order to get me to see it, he asks me if what I say to myself is something I would say to a congregant or my own son. It is not.

When I believe other people's shaming of me, he again asks me to have compassion for myself and ask if what that person did to me I would do to someone else. I would not.

He also reminds me that when someone shames me, I need to first stop and acknowledge to myself that it hurt and that was not ok, rather than jumping to the conclusion that I deserve to be hurt because I am bad.

So, how does this work, this whole guilt and shame thing when you actually do something that is not all that great? Maybe this story will help:

One morning my husband left very early to go out of town. I forgot to set my alarm and I woke up late, took a shower, and walked out of my bedroom to realize my son was still home! I had not only forgotten wake up, but also get him breakfast and take him to school! He was just hanging out playing on his computer. Then, since it was so late and I was overwhelmed, I decided just to keep him home from school rather than have to explain what happened to the school. I felt like the worst mother ever and I told my therapist that. I said I was irresponsible, lazy, didn't care enough about my son evidenced by the fact that I even forgot he was in the house! What mother does that? His reaction was that I needed to have compassion for myself. To first realize that I must have been very exhausted to have slept in so late. That does not mean what I did was great, and I could have still taken him to school, but I am not a bad mother. Next time I will try and remember to set the alarm and if I do wake up late, I should probably take him to school anyway. Feeling guilt for doing something not so great and learning from it was an appropriate reaction. Feeling shame and thinking I am a bad mother who does not deserve her child was an inappropriate and damaging reaction.

The thing is it is hard to stop the negative programming in our brains. If we have been shamed long enough and thus learned to shame ourselves, we actually need to reprogram the way our brain thinks in order to stop it. It takes a long time of practicing compassion for yourself at every situation for you to start making a dent in the negative programming. And then when others shame you, it is very easy to fall back into automatically shaming yourself. It takes a lot of work on your own, support from positive friends, and sometime distance from those that shame you frequently until you have enough shame resilience to not have their behavior set you back.

The best way to practice compassion for yourself is to do a lovingkindness meditation daily, or even a few times a day. The lovingkindness meditation starts with yourself and then moves outward eventually to the whole world. I like the way Jack Kornfield describes this meditation since he encourages you to see yourself as a child because that allows you to feel love and compassion for yourself. Below is the first part of that meditation and you can click here for the rest of it:

"Begin with yourself. Breathe gently, and recite inwardly the following traditional phrases directed toward our own well-being. You being with yourself because without loving yourself it is almost impossible to love others.

May I be filled with lovingkindness.
May I be safe from inner and outer dangers.
May I be well in body and mind.
May I be at ease and happy.

As you repeat these phrases, picture yourself as you are now, and hold that image in a heart of lovingkindness. Or perhaps you will find it easier to picture yourself as a young and beloved child. Adjust the words and images in any way you wish. Create the exact phrases that best open your heart of kindness. Repeat these phrases over and over again, letting the feelings permeate your body and mind. Practice this meditation for a number of weeks, until the sense of lovingkindness for yourself grows.

Be aware that this meditation may at times feel mechanical or awkward. It can also bring up feelings contrary to lovingkindness, feelings of irritation and anger. If this happens, it is especially important to be patient and kind toward yourself, allowing whatever arises to be received in a spirit of friendliness and kind affection. When you feel you have established some stronger sense of lovingkindness for yourself, you can then expand your meditation to include others."

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Adventures in Acupuncture

Five weeks ago I started acupuncture to help with my bipolar disorder. It seems to be helping as I am finally getting numerous days in a row that do not end up in manic meltdowns. I am able to handle things a better and have more functional time during the day. I have actually been letting my husband sleep and not talking to him all night, which he is very happy about. It takes at least a few months to be sure a treatment is working, but this looks promising. Part of the actual experience of getting the acupuncture though was an adventure for me though.

I have no trouble with needles so I did not anticipate any issues with getting acupuncture. However, at my first appointment, after the practitioner put all the needles in me and left the room, I instantly panicked. For some reason it did not cross my mind earlier that someone who has panic attacks being in confined areas might have a serious problem with being basically pinned down and unable to move, at all.

I had one of my worst panic attacks that day because I could not get out of the situation I was in without serious pain and I could not do any of the little things I usually do to try and calm myself down. You can not really move any part of your body because the needles really hurt if you move. It's fine if you lie still, but I tried to wiggle my fingers to clench my hand, which I do when I am panicking, and it was extremely painful. Technically I could get up, with the pain, but really, what would I do then with no clothes on and tons of needles all over me? There is really no where for a human pin cushion to go.

Attempting to relax. Photo by J. Norris

That was one of the worst half hours of my life. I kept panicking, fearing I would get sick, unable to move, knowing I could yell for help but that would be extremely embarrassing.

Apparently, most people fall asleep during acupuncture and they find it very relaxing. I find it excruciatingly terrifying and I lay there doing anything to try and distract myself- singing songs in my head, counting, but mostly I kept saying over and over again in my mind "When is this going to be over?"

Until we can figure out how to get rid of my panic, I can not go to acupuncture by myself. So, my loving husband takes three hours out of his week to go with me (between driving there and back, meeting with the practitioner, getting all the needles put in, laying there, and getting everything removed.) It may sound odd that he would figure out how to go with me, but the acupuncture seems to work enough that it is worth all the time and effort.

Some days I am able to lay there quietly and we both get some meditation time in, which is nice and he finds that quite relaxing. Other times I am an anxious wreck and I have him talk to me to try and make the time pass faster.

My acupuncturinst is not quite sure what to do with me and the anxiety since he has not had anyone have acupuncture make them so anxious, every time. Then I realized though that most people who have severe anxiety over being confined would never get acupuncture in the first place.

I am glad I did not think this whole thing through and realize acupuncture would cause me to panic because then I would have missed out on a treatment that really helps me- better than medications have done. Even if acupuncture makes you nervous for any number of reasons, I would encourage you to try it because it might really help.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Why Having Fun Creates Better Mental Health

We have been trying to add different kinds of exercise, adventure, and fun to our lives. This is good for everyone's mental wellness, but it is especially helpful for people with mental illness. We chose some activities the other day that were inspired by a few of the principles in the book Running with Nature. We got outside, laughed and played, and had some adventure.

Research shows are many reasons why these activities help create mental wellness. Being outside gets us out in the sun, which elevates the mood. People with Seasonal Effective Disorder (SAD) and depression are often treated with light therapy. Too much darkness increases melatonin. Melatonin is needed for sleep, but too much of it can make people depressed and tired. Laughing and playing is proven to make everyone happier. Taking a bit of time each day for fun means we then have enough energy for the rest of our life such as work and it even helps us handle difficult situations better. It is also said that laughter helps us heal. Some hospitals and use humor therapy as part of their program and have found it reduces the need for medication.

Copyright, Jeff Norris

In order to get all of these benefits for us as a family, we decided to use the slackline that my husband Jeff bought on a whim a few months ago. Slacklining is basically balancing on a piece of nylon that is suspended between two trees. We also spent some time on our trampoline which is always fun. I often forget to do anything fun, ever, and I was reminded how important it is to my mental health and also the health of my family.

The slackline is basically a balance exercise, which means you need to be in tune with yourself. Balance exercises require you to pay attention to your body and really focus on what you are doing. This is never one of my favorite things to focus on because I am very self consious about my size and I often feel like a big bull in a china shop. I would rather forget I even have a physical body, but you can not do that when you are doing any kind of exercise that requires a focus on balance. Slacklining helped me be a little less upset about who I am as I started to just let go, have fun, and focus on learning to balance more. I found that when I started taking stronger antipsychotics a few years ago, my balance was severely effected and even though I stopped taking them, I have never gotten my balance back. I hope slacklining will help me reverse that.

I also found slacklining brings us closer together as a family. We were all encouraging each other and helping each other get across the line. We wanted to see each other succeed and we were all engaged in helping each other reach our goals. (My son is currently working on his best yet, four steps without help from anyone.) When we were on the trampoline, I commented that our neighbors must think we are so weird. Other people have trampolines, but we never see parents using them. Our son, while jumping high up in the air said, "You guys are the best parents and the most fun!" Seriously, how could you not feel happier after hearing that?

Copyright, Jeff Norris

As Jeff was helping me across the slackline I had this profound sense that we rarely are just present with each other. The longer partners are together, the less we remember to have any daily physical contact. You hold hands less and don't spend as much time really looking at each other. When Jeff helped me go across the line, I remembered how we still need to make time to be present with each other rather than just going through our daily lives. It is all too common for couples to loose connection with each other, especially when one of them is living with an illness. It can feel like all of your life is about the illness and everything becomes stressful. Spending time together having fun brought us much closer together and allowed us to appreciate each other more. All in just an hour.

They suggest one hour of play per day in Running with Nature and I can tell that the more we try and stick to that suggestion, the better off we will all be.

What will you do today that gets you outside, let's you have fun, and is a bit adventurous?

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Being Shamed for Speaking Publicly About Mental Illness

I received a comment on my blog the other day which brings up an issue that affects many of us with mental illness - being shamed for talking publicly about our illness.

Here is the comment: 

"Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "The Messy Reality of Mania":

Dear Katie,
This post of yours is a true cry for help if I ever heard one. This was a truly sad and disturbing post to read. This has been viewed by many of your relatives and it upset many. I know that it must have been very hard for you to write it. This is not only hurting you, but also your husband and, unfortunately your son as well. Please, for your sake and for the sake of your family, seek a competent psychiatrist who is very familiar with bipolar disorders. I know that you do not like to be medicated, but if you work with the right person, they can find the right drug that can help you. Please do this for yourself. You are the only person who can change you. There is hope, but you need to take the first step. We all love you and want only the best for you.

A very concerned relative" 

There are many issues with a comment and action such as the one above. First, let me say, this is an "anonymous comment from a very concerned relative." This is the internet friends, and I did not think to require an email to leave comments on my blog (that will change though), so I have no idea if this really is a family member or someone else. I do believe whoever this person is, they do care and want the best for me. That is very kind and I appreciate the concern.

Photo copyright of Seanan Holland.

However, this comment is written in a way that shames people with mental illness. Maybe not on purpose, but that is what is happening. They are asking me to wear a public mask in order to not make them uncomfortable. This is much like the mask project we did in seminary where we painted the outside of the mask to represent what we are supposed to present to the world and the inside with who we really are.

Saying that me telling my story and opening up about the reality of mental illness upset many of my family members and I am hurting my son and husband is extremely shaming. This comment is saying "I am scared of your illness and so I don't want to hear about it. I will use the ultimate way to make you feel bad, saying you are hurting your family, in order to try and get you to do what I want." Whenever someone says "many others agree with me" you should probably question that. This is a common way for someone to try and get you to do what they want by backing up their statement with an unseen group of people to make you think "If lots of people agree, I must do what this person is asking of me." In leadership you learn that these unknown "many people" often end up being just a few out of the hundreds in the organization.

There is also a huge assumption that this person knows what is best for me and how my husband and son feel. All inaccurate information of which they have not attempted to verify. It is a presumptuous comment which does not allow my husband or son to speak for themselves.

This comment assumes I do not have competent medical help. Sadly, whoever this is has not actually inquired as to what help I am getting, which is a lot. I am fortunate to have more people helping me than the average person with mental illness. I am so blessed to be getting such great mental health treatment.

Out of the dozens of comments and emails I received about the blog post, only two people thought it was a cry for help. This is most likely due to a misunderstanding of what a cry for help is and not knowing much about cutting, which is why I will write a separate blog post on this topic to go more in depth on those issues. 

This comment is annonymous. This happens to people with mental illness all the time. For me it was on the blog, for others it is triangulation where a "concerned friend" tries to get to get their message of concern to you through another person. Other times it is an anonymous letter or email. 

In ministry I learned to never take anonymous feedback. Anonymous feedback is a huge red flag that warns: this issue really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the person attempting to bully or shame you into doing what they want. Anonymous feedback leaves no room for relationship, understanding, empathy, compassion, and love. And in all honesty, true concern and love does not come from an anonymous comment. It comes from direct communication.

I know the phrase "You are the only person who can change you" is very popular. I don't disagree completely. We can not change another person. For someone to recover from a mental illness, or really deal with any illness, they need to recognize they have an illness and be open to treatment. However, mental illness is greatly affected by environment. When someone is trying to treat their illness and they are in an unsupportive environment, it is almost impossible to get better. In fact, it is really just better to get out of the dysfunctional system. The best thing to compare this too is alcohol addiction. If the family of an addict drinks around them, keeps alcohol in the house, does not support their recovery, and will not talk to them about their addiction, they are sabotaging the alcoholic. 

I understand that mental illness scares people. Many illnesses scare us. No one wants to be sick. The reality of illness is that it is messy and complicated. That does not mean we should not talk about it. The more we hide it, the more we promote this whole idea that mentally ill people are too scary to be around and we just want them to get medicated and be quiet.

You may be wondering if you have a loved one you are worried about what might be a good response to express concern for someone. Here is one suggestion:

"Dear Katie,

This is (name of family member or friend.) I read your blog post and I did not know so much about your bipolar before. I admit it was sad for me to read this, but I am glad you shared so I can know more about what you are going through. Are there ways that we can help you and be supportive of you? Please let me know what we can do. Please let Jeff and Jeffrey know we are around if they need anything as well. We love you."

Notice that this does not bring up their evaluation of my treatment of my husband and son. It does not imply that telling my story is upsetting large groups of people and thus inappropriate. It is not anonymous so I can actually contact this person and ask for help if I need it and thank them for caring about me. It does not judge my choices on treatment or judge the actions of my medical professionals. It is honest that the reality of mental illness is scary for them, but they want to help anyway.

As a side note, let me address the issue of not agreeing with someone's form of treatment, because I know that is something many people are worried about. It's valid. Sometimes people do things you think are not a good idea. When I see someone with heart disease eating a burger and fries, I too want to say "Stop doing that and get help." That is shaming and unlikely to actually help them change their behavior.

Recently I had a friend express their concern who said, "I don't think bipolar can be controlled without medication, but I am willing to support you in your decision and help you any way I can. I am here if you need me and you can call me any time." This response expresses their concerns and opinion, but also does not try to change me. It lets me know they will help me. This means the conversation is always open and they respect me, which leads to me being able to hear any suggestions they might have. It is non-confrontational, not shaming, and relational. 

It is sad that mental illness is so scary that we have a hard time talking about it and accidentally communicate in ways that are shaming and do not allow for us to help each other. I understand why this happens. It is a tough subject to talk about. I hope by sharing the issues with this comment that I can help people communicate with each other better.  

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

I Want an Off Switch!: Practicing Skillful Means in the Midst of Mental Illness

I won't go into explaining all the ways in which my bipolar is all kinds of whacky this evening- from depressed to angry and back and forth again. I will say, it feels awful. I will say that when it gets this bad, I can't hang on to all the things my therapist and I discussed such as meditating, eating well, going to sleep, using energy work to calm down.

Now, when I am not doing well, I tend to bug my husband in a myriad of different ways, and this week he is out of town. I was texting him frequently this evening, and of course he is trying to sleep at 3am so he can work tomorrow. So, he turned off his phone. This infuriates me. My irrational mind says he just does not care about me and he is a jerk. My rational mind tells me he has already responded about a million times and he is exhausted and needs to work tomorrow. I also know he is the best husband ever and is way more compassionate and helpful about my illness than most partners of people with mental illness are. It's good for him, and us really, that he turned off his phone because then there is less risk of us arguing. (Although I don't think he will like all the texts he finds on his phone when he wakes up in the morning.) When I get through this extremely bad time, my rational side will take over and I will not be angry at him anymore.

However, I was thinking that it must be so nice for Jeff to get to turn the illness off. With his phone off, he no longer needs to hear it, see it, or be affected by it. He gets to go to bed and leave it all behind. I am jealous. That must be so nice.

I don't get to turn my bipolar off. I have to live with it every second of every day and on the days when it is bad, that is excruciating. I want an off switch. I want to be able to calm my mind enough to meditate for even two minutes. I want to fall asleep. I want to be happy. I want to work tomorrow. I want to be a good mother. I would like to clean up the house so my husband comes back from his trip with no work to do. I want what every other person with most any illness wants, to be able to get rid of it.

I don't get that choice.

I do get to choose to go to therapy and keep working so that these terrible times happen less and then my bipolar will be more under control. It is not like I think I have no agency in my life. The problem is that sometimes when the illness gets so bad that it has completely taken over your mind, and in those moments you rarely have a choice. Or, the choice is to try and do the least damage to your life as possible. I don't think people without mental illness know that when we are manic or depressed, we are trying to make good choices and have agency in our life. We are trying to control it. In reality for many of us, what our brain is pushing us to do is way worse than what we actually end up doing.

It's like when you learn to ice skate and one of the first things they teach you is how to fall. It is a given that you will fall while ice skating, so if you have to fall, you learn to do it in a way that will produce the least amount of damage possible. Basically, that is what we do with mental illness. To use a simple example, I can not make myself sleep right now. My brain wants to push me to do really irresponsible things, so how can I "fall" and obtain the least about of damage possible? I try to scrapbook, watch funny movies, read something, basically do anything other than the normal manic behavior of driving all over the city at night or leaving home. (By the way, my son is sleeping over a friends house so there is no risk that I will be leaving him at home alone.)

While I don't get a switch, I know that I am lucky. It could still be worse. I have been living with this illness long enough to know how to fall without being so destructive that there is rarely ever no turning back. But I completely understand when people end up running out in the middle of the night driving to another state, or go downtown and jump in a fountain naked. Or when they drink into oblivion, or even when they commit suicide. I get it. We have no button that we can turn off and just walk away from the illness. Frankly, most people do not have access to adequate help which shows them how to fall with less damage.

Photo of Avalokiteshvara by Cea in Flickr Creative Commons

The "falling" is really what the Buddhists call skillful means. Simple put, this is the ability to adapt to your situation and be able to use whatever means necessary to navigate what is going on. My favorite Buddhist Bodhisattva is the Bodhisattva of Compassion. Kwan Yin is the female version of this Bodhisattva and the male version is Avalokiteshvara, the Bodhisattva often pictured with many hands. What most people do not know about the many handed Bodhisattva is that in each hand there is often a skillful means that he can use to help someone on their path to enlightenment such as musical instruments, bottles of ambrosia, flower, anything one might need to help end suffering. These teachings of Buddhism, skillful means, meditation, and being present in the moment is what has enabled me to learn how to fall with the least amount of damage. While I have no off switch, these Buddhist principles have given me more agency in my life even when my mind is too sick to give me much of a choice.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Movie Review: Silver Linings Playbook

Director David O. Russell and an amazing cast brought to the screen an adaptation of Matthew Quick's novel The Silver Linings Playbook. Briefly, this movie is about Pat Solatano Jr., who gets out of a mental institution after a court ordered 8 month stay. Pat has bipolar disorder, which we discover he has probably had most of his life but it was not until he caught his wife cheating on him and he beat up the man she was cheating with, that anyone truly noticed he had an illness. After Pat gets out, he lives with his parents and focuses on trying to get his wife back, but at the same time he meets Tiffany who struggles with depression and they form a friendship and ultimately fall in love. It is a serious, funny, and cute movie. Heartbreakingly sad at times, yet with enough humor and hope so as to not portray mental illness as completely tragic.

Photo from IMBD

One of the things I really liked about Bradley Cooper's portrayal of Pat is that he actually was able to accurately show how the mood swings and outbursts of bipolar are not something we do on purpose. There is a scene where Pat gets upset in the doctors waiting room and throws over the magazine rack. He then realizes what he did, says he is sorry and they have a close up shot of his face where you can see the pain in his eyes and the realization that he scared people and was acting out. He was embarrassed, ashamed, and confused. At another point with his therapist Pat says he is sick of his illness and wants to control it. Don't we all feel this way? The movie is just a real representation of how mental illness is truly an illness and not some behavior we choose. I should add that director David O. Russell made the movie for his son who has bipolar disorder. His son also has a part in the movie as a teenager who wants to interview Pat for a school report on mental illness.

I also liked the part where Pat thinks Tiffany is crazier than he is. When I was watching the movie I was thinking "I don't act like Pat does. I am not that crazy." But when we got home I asked my husband "Do I look and act like that?" and he said "Of course. Why would you think you didn't?" I guess it is always hard to see our own crazy.  

This is only a movie and so it can not get to all aspects of mental illness. The movie really captures one episode of breakdown, struggle, and treatment that ultimately becomes successful. There is what seems to be a turning point when Pat chooses to take his medication (which he was refusing to take before), as if just taking the medication and finding love with Tiffany was enough to cure him. This does not show the full spectrum of living with this illness and the fact that for many of us medication works for a little while, then doesn't, and even on med's there can be many relapses. While I like the love story, at the same time I always remember thinking, ever since I was a child, that if I found someone who loved me just the way I was that I would be cured. Well, I found the love of my life at sixteen years old, and have discovered that love alone can not conquer all. Many couples struggle with this issue and have to come to terms with treatment being long term. Even though love and care does help tremendously, it is not the ultimate silver lining. That is why I really like the musical Next to Normal because it shows the illness over a longer period of time and addresses the many issues with treatment. Of course, the ending of the musical is not as happy as the ending of this movie.

I do think the movie is very helpful for people who do not quite understand or who really need to emotionally experience mental illness. It helps combat the stigma against mental illness and shows people with mental illness as not just violent, scary, and hopeless. It shows how a community, a whole group of family and friends, really need to pull together to help someone with mental illness thrive.

The movie also shows that mental illness and the triggers for it are not only part of the patients brain, but profoundly affected by the environment around them. Pat's family is quirky with his father having some Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, anger issues, and superstition that clearly does not help Pat's illness very much. But they work with everyone's quirks and accept each other and try to help each other. In a way all of their "issues" make them understand each other better and come closer. The movie is a great example of how everyone has issues and if we recognize them we can go a long way to figuring out how to live a happy life rather than families who deny that they have any dysfunction going on at all.

Overall, this is a really great movie and I encourage everyone to see it. It is a more human experience of mental illness rather than a completely sensationalized view of it, which the media so often likes to portray.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Whole30 Wrap Up: Creating a Powerful Body, Mind, and Spirit

Today is the last day of my Whole30. Finally! After trying Whole30 at least 5 times, I actually finished it. Woo Hoo!! Here is my Whole30 Wrap Up:

Why Did I Do a Whole30?

• I have a terrible relationship with food and I needed to change that. Normally I am just worried about loosing weight, but all the other weight loss methods that worked for me just had me eating low fat, sugar-free, ice cream, and bread all day. I lost weight but still had a bad relationship with food, and then a few years later I gained the weight back.
• What I eat helps regulate my bipolar disorder better than medications do. I needed to figure out what was best for my treatment plan.
• I wanted to have choice in my life rather than letting my illness take control of me.
• I wanted to finally stick up for myself and to say that I am worth this amount of work.
• For my family. I wanted my son to learn what is healthy. Not see that you eat healthy to be a certain size, but you eat, sleep, recover, play, learn, and grow spiritually so you can be play hard, learn more, and be strong.

What Were The Hardest Things About Whole30?

• Meal planning. You need a TON of food prepared in order to eat Whole30 because you really can't eat out anywhere. (Or at least I could not because I did not want to risk it.) Sometimes we ate the same meal for breakfast lunch and dinner. 
• The "Sugar Dragon." I craved sugar, dreamed about sugar, and a few times overate dates or sweet potatoes.
• Binge eating healthy food! I didn't know that if I had no options, I really would overeat veggies and meat. 
• Taking food everywhere. Every meeting, every dinner party, every play date for our son, we brought our own food.
• I am not cured. I have had Irritable Bowel (IBS) my whole life and really thought if I just ate Whole30 it would go away. It got better but didn't go away completly. There must still be more I am sensitive too. Also, my bipolar is much better regulated but I don't have more than 3-4 days where I am really stable. 

Two of our favorite books. Photo by Jeff Norris.

What Were The Best Things About Whole30?

• While I am not cured of IBS or bipolar, they are both significantly better. And, I no longer fear cutting out foods in order to get even more healthy. I always thought "I don't have enough willpower to be better." Whole30 made me realize willpower is a myth. I can do it if I have a good support system, we are better prepared, and I know I am worth it. It was not until week 3 that I really realized I could do this. I think you just have to force yourself to do it for at least 3 weeks before you know you can do it. 
• Cooking with my husband. We used to drive each other nuts trying to cook in the same kitchen. But this time we both were working towards the same goal and it was great.
• My son learned about being healthy and is actually interested in it! He remained almost completely Whole30 compliant, and he wanted to do it. Gone are the previous days of him complaining that he can't have pizza, bread, dairy, sweets, candy, and "eat what everyone else eats." He likes to just eat healthy. He wants to be stronger, faster, and better in school. He started CrossFit kids in the last few weeks and is really loving the whole healthy lifestyle.
• We had fun doing this together as a family. We cooked new things, ruined some dishes that made our son laugh at us, went to visit the farm where our meat comes from, worked out together, and we became far more encouraging of each other not only with eating but work, school, and life.
• I learned that my eating disorder is perpetuated by eating bad food. It Starts With Food, the book about Whole 30, has a great chapter on the science behind the addictive nature of processed foods. 
• Supplements, sleep, and other things had been suggested to me by my doctor for my treatment but it was so hard to figure out what helped, what was causing problems, because I just had so much bad food in my body. I have a better idea of what supplements help, how much sleep I need, and that there are still a lot more lifestyle changes to go before my treatment plan is compete. Now doing the Whole30, I know I can do all of these things. 
• I proved to myself that I matter. I did not cave and put myself last just to make other people more comfortable. I did not doubt my intuition on how best to care for myself. I gave myself power that I thought I did not have before.

"Measurable" Results From the Whole30

•  Mental Illness: Less Ativan needed, bit better sleep (still working on this), more stable moods, times that would have set me over the edge were not as bad, on the path to recovery from binge eating, happier, sense of self worth.
• Physical: Better at CrossFit and better at sticking with working out, lost weight and inches (I went down two notches on my belt), skin clearing up, eczema not gone but better, IBS not as bad.
• Family: We became closer as a family, we support each other more, healthy living has almost defined us and what we think is important, even our dogs are on a better diet.
• Spiritual: Much better connection to the earth, animals, and farmers who bring us our food. More gratitude, less waste, more understanding of how to help others who are working on being healthy, easier to stick to our ethics, more connected with the Spirit of Love around us. 

What Is Next?

•  Sticking with a strict Paleo base following the Whole30 concept of not eating a ton of Paleofied foods, and not using any refined sugar, and only small amounts of honey or maple syrup. 
• Whole30 has a reintroduction plan, but instead I will be eliminating some more foods to see what still bothers my stomach and I never want to reintroduce wheat, sugar, processed foods, etc...
• More focus on sleep, timing of eating, exercise, and meditation.

Overall, the Whole30 experience was great. True, sometimes I wanted to pull my hair out, scream, yell, and quit. However, the power you gain from doing something like this is so great. You become stronger in body, mind, and spirit.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Some of our most used items this month: It Starts With Food, Practical Paleo, Well Fed, and recipe for Slow Cooker Italian Pork Roast.

Healthy Living and Treatment

As many of you know, I have been attempting to follow a Paleo diet (grain-free, only meat, veggies, fruit, and nuts) to help treat my bipolar disorder. Some of you have asked how it is going since you are looking at various gluten and grain-free diets for your treatment as well. First of all, I have to say that the diet works great. I am much more stable and feel a lot better when I can stick to my healthy lifestyle of diet and exercise. However, I do have the added issue of a binge eating disorder which I think is what throws me off from being able to maintain my diet.

I really realized this past week that I have no control over my food. My husband has been home all week from work so I have not gone anywhere without him. As long as he is with me I don't stop at fast food restaurants or get gluten-free desserts from the grocery store. Today was the first day I went out by myself and I stopped at the grocery store. I was hungry, and even though I told myself I didn't need anything sugary and I could eat as soon as I got home, I bought a gluten-free dessert! It's like I need a 24 hour babysitter just to stick to my diet. I ate a few bites and then threw the rest out, which is better than what I would have done before, but still, I can't believe I am so addicted to sugar that I eat it when I know I should not.

I try to remember that this is all a learning process though. Each time I have a setback it teaches me something about who I am and what I need to do to be well. We have been eating Paleo all week and this morning was the first morning I woke up not exhausted and miserable, which means the diet and exercise works if I can just stick with it. I realized at the store today that I can't leave the house hungry and maybe I should just not be grocery shopping for a while, at least not by myself.

The last thing that became abundantly clear to me this week is that an essential part of being able to stick with a healthy lifestyle is having a good support system around you. This is why my husband and I have decided to do a Whole30 (a really strict Paleo plan for 30 days) with our CrossFit gym starting Jan. 1. The coaches at our gym are great and give us a lot of advice, motivation, and support so we will not be alone during the process. We are also starting a Healthy Living Group with the Carolyn L. Farrell Foundation for Brain Health where we will support each other in whatever healthy living choices each of us needs through meetings, online support, and motivational materials. (If you live in the Cleveland, Ohio area and want to join us, let me know and I will get the information to you when we get the time worked out.)

Graphic from Whole9

So, whatever your healthy living choices are, at the start of this new year, get your support system in place. If you are looking at a Paleo diet, I recommend Whole9 as everything is easy to understand, they have researched how food affects our mind, they have the Whole30 program, a great online forum, and their book: It Starts With Food.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie