Lessons From My Parents: What Does Farting Have to Do With Love and Commitment?

This, by far, is one of the weirdest posts I have ever written. 
Or, at least the weirdest title, but you have to have a catchy 

Rev. Katie with her parents. Copyright, Rev. Katie Norris

title if you are a blogger. 

I dedicate this post to my Mom and Dad who have taught 
me so much about life and relationships.

_____________________________

I just saw this great video from the Button Showcase at the 2014 National Poetry Slam and it reminded me of my parents. It is called "Hotbox Love" by Jesse Parent, and while it starts off a bit unconventional, it gets to the heart of what love and commitment is. Basically, the poem is about farting- if you can't handle it if your partner farts, you should not be together. Seems trivial, but you see farther into the poem that what he is talking about is being able to see the beauty in the disgusting and difficult parts of life.

As Jesse Parent says: "...conversations on a toilet. If you can't love me in this awkward space, just live in this filthy, stinky moment, what are you going to do when it really gets bad?...Can you still love me showering me in a chair, wiping my ass as I sob 'I'm sorry' at you, putting my underwear into a trash can without saying a word?"


As a I have counseled people in preparation for marriage, and in the midst of divorce, what most couples struggle with is understanding how to manage life when it does not go as planned and life is ugly. I am thinking now I should just show them this video. And yet, most people don't believe this stuff and think the only couples who can see the beauty in the ugliness are those with perfect relationships, outside of a few hard times.

My parents have been together for 53 years and by far it has not been a walk in the park for them. Yet they saw the beautiful in even the ugliest times. I see how different this love and commitment is when my Dad and I care for my Mom who has Lewy Body Dementia,which has left her unable to move and confined to a bed or wheelchair. We change her adult diapers together, and he does not say a word as he throws her underwear into the trash can. While I also do these tasks for my Mom, it's not the same. I don't like it and it it's not easy for me. It's a different kind of love and commitment, which you can see on my Dad's face as he lovingly takes care of her and only sees beauty where other people would see something far more disgusting than, as Jesse Parent talks about, farting in the bed.

My Mom would love this poem because she and I always used to joke about couples being comfortable farting in front of each other, particularly in bed. We even made up new words to the song "Wind Beneath My Wings" and called it "Wind Beneath My Sheets." She thought that kind of comfort with each other was not only funny, but gravely needed if a relationship was ever going to survive.

When I think all of that my husband and I have gone through and all the times either one of us has contemplated divorce, I know that the only reason that has not happened is because even in the darkest times, we see love and beauty. Sometimes I am in a deep state of depression or I am so angry that I have been horrifically mean, and he still sees just a moment of beauty. Sometimes he has been totally cold and emotionally disconnected. I look at him and I just can't stand him, and I think "But he is so beautiful."

I am sure my husband and I both learned this ability to see the beautiful in the midst of the mess from my parents. My husband has known my parents since he was sixteen years old. He too knew of the "Wind Beneath My Sheets" song my Mom and I had made up. He has seen my parents go through many struggles together and he has changed Mom's diaper with my Dad.

I am frequently told that my husband should leave me due to my illness, because "no one should have to put up with that" and that mental illness is a deal breaker in a marriage. People don't understand how beauty can be seen in our life together. My husband sometimes has to pick me up, get me showered, and dress me after we might have been fighting for hours the night before and I am too depressed to care for myself. Most people say that is just too ugly to have to live with. No different than the people who say the vow "in sickness and in health" no longer applies if your partner gets dementia.

I think one of the reasons it is so hard for couples to know how to see the beauty in the ugliness and how to leave ego behind and fight for a relationship, is that we never talk about messy relationships. People often tell me not to write about my illness because it is too messy. But if none of us talk about these things, we never learn that life can be terrifyingly messy and hard, but there are ways to keep going and have a good life. If we don't talk about it, no one knows the hours and hours of therapy and/or internal work it takes for two people to stay together and to still see beauty in terrible times.

I am not saying we put up with things like verbal or physical abuse, or any other number of issues in a partnership. I am also not saying that all relationships can stay together, because there are always extenuating circumstances that are exceptions. What I am saying is that you have to realize at some point your relationship will get messy, and when it does, can you still see a bit of beauty? Can you both call whoever you have to and do whatever work you need to to in order to do your best? Can you be the wind beneath each other's sheets?

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Buzzfeed and Parents: A Child's Panic is NOT Funny

I always hate when I see these videos or photos that make fun of "overdramatic" kids who clearly are either panicking or over their threshold of being able to function because they just don't understand or can not handle what is going on around them.

I just saw this video of Buzzfeed called: Little Girl Deserves An Oscar For Her Performance While Getting a Flu Shot. In the video, a young girl, maybe eight to ten years old, is getting a flu shot. Unfortunately before the shot, her brother told her "It's worse than you think - way worse," and the girl then has a panic attack. The post comes complete with video and then captioned .gif's of the girl's terrified face with comments underneath such as: "Someone get this girl an agent."

I am a parent, I get the absurd humor that comes when you child is freaking out over something that is not a big deal, and we accidentally laugh. However, I have seriously tried to keep my accidental laughter or my judgement that my son's reaction is not valid to myself. It's real and valid to him, and I can either shame him and make fun of him, or, help him work through it so he knows how to deal with fear, frustration, anger, and overwhelm on his own in the future. This is an important life skill.

In the video, the little girl actually is actively trying to keep it together. She does not fight off the nurse, she is saying "Yeah, yeah, ok," indicating that she understands that she needs the shot. At one point she even says "I just can't help myself!" She follows the advice to press a button to distract herself (good idea from the nurse), but she is clearly still panicking. She is "laugh/crying," which some people think means the person is fine. It does not! Laugh/crying is a response to fear or stress. She is trying her hardest to get through a triggering situation yet everyone in the room is laughing at her. Then her parents and the world post it on the internet and joke that she is "dramatic," as if her visceral response is unwarranted and invalid. Tell the next adult who starts jumping around and screaming because of spider on the floor that their reaction is dramatic and not valid.

As the nurse is putting the bandaid on the girl's arm, you can see her shaking her head "yes," trying to get it together while at the same time her eyes roll back in her head and she looks like she might faint. If you know people who faint while getting blood drawn or for other reasons, you know that they don't just decide "Hey, I want to be dramatic, I shall faint, right now." Then, if you look at the screen shots of the video, the look on the girls face is sheer panic and terror, which I do not think is funny, at all. She's not acting.

I am hoping that this girl's parents also talked to her about the amazing amount of bravery she showed in getting this shot and trying to manage a terrifying situation. She cooperates, she tries to distract and sooth herself, and she even thanks the nurse at the end. She does all the right things that will help her foster the ability to handle panic in the future, as long as she is not shamed for it and is taught that she needs to hide it and that fear is not normal.

When we make fun of children for being scared or overwhelmed, we teach them that such reactions are to be hidden and not dealt with, which means they never learn coping mechanisms. This can contribute to developing a panic disorder in the future for many people. It also teaches kids to not have empathy for other people. Sure, some of us have inappropriate responses to accidents, like laughing, but people with empathy catch their response and then comfort and help the other person. If we continually laugh at and invalidate a child who is panicking, then they learn that when they have a friend or family member who is scared, that they should make fun of them as well, which does not help the situation diffuse and does not foster healing. It fosters an inability to emotional connect with others, which can lead to violence and oppression.

I am not saying that we all will have perfect responses to kids, or adults, when they panic or something bad happens. Part of human nature is often inappropriate responses due to trauma and surprise. What I am saying is that we should not promote making fun of other people's fear, it is very shaming and makes people feel bad about themselves and their emotions.

P.S. My husband pointed out the question: why was the mother filming this? What prompted her to start filming? Why would you randomly film your kids getting flu shots?

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

On Cooking Chicken and Accepting Limitations

We have no food cooked in the house and I was feeling great after a productive morning, so at the grocery store today, I bought a chicken. A whole chicken.

Because I was feeling great, and I had all of this time today, and we have no food. I was going to easily make a chicken and even cook stuff to go with it! Like those butternut squash that have been sitting around forever on the kitchen counter and I hope have not sprouted inside.

My son and I got home from the grocery store, I cooked up the sausage I had bought us, and we ate lunch together. He went to his room to play on the computer, and I sat in front of my computer. Now its 3pm, and I still have that chicken and those butternut squash.

All of this seemed so accessible earlier in the day. I thought I had all this time, and cooking a chicken and squash is easy for most people. I was so excited because we were going to have food! I was going to have dinner ready when my husband got home. We were going to have leftovers so we actually had breakfast tomorrow, whereas today all my son got to eat for breakfast was beef jerky and dried cherries.

It is 3pm, and I have at least 3 hours to cook this chicken and I just don't know if it will happen. This is what it is like when you have limited hours with which to function each day. You have no idea what each day will bring, how much time you will have, and if today is the day you can figure out how to cook a chicken, or not.

I am getting better at not feeling bad about these days because, what good would that do? I don't really care that other people find it easy to cook a chicken and squash for dinner. I don't really care that we may all be eating jerky and dried fruit for dinner tonight. I am exhausted and overwhelmed, and just not functioning. If I push myself over what I can handle, I risk triggering bipolar cycling which will end up with me either a crying mess or a screaming lady by the time dinner roles around. So, even if I push myself and cook the chicken, I doubt my husband or son would enjoy who they were eating the chicken with.

The chicken is taunting me from the fridge. In a while I may have rested enough to actually get that chicken into the oven. If not, that is ok.

It is hard to accept your limits, especially in our world of competition and shaming. Where parents shame other parents for how many fun places they took their kids, or did not take their kids, in the summer. Where those who have an easy time cooking chickens, taking care of dogs and kids, and working, look down on those of us who are lucky if we got out of our pajamas.

Everyone has different limits. I choose to be grateful for the things I can do, instead of hate myself for what I can't.

Here is what I did do today:

• I got up at a normal time today! (Shocking)
• I got to CrossFit and did a workout that was awesome.
• I bought groceries so at least we have food should any of us figure out how to cook it. 
• I got through the grocery store without a panic attack! 
• The dogs have been taken outside, so I have not had to clean up anything off the floor. (Win!)
• I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and got dressed.
• I had a therapy appointment.
• I watched a TV show with my son.
• My son laughed at me while I sang a song about Baba Ganoush, which he won't eat. 
• I am neither depressed or manic. (Also a win.)
• I wrote this blog post, after zoning out on the interwebs for a while. 

That's a pretty good day, even if the chicken never gets cooked.

UPDATE: The chicken is in the oven, plus one butternut squash because I did not have the energy to peel and cut two of them. But, OMG!! You have to clean up after the chicken and squash get into the oven. And then clean up after you eat it all. See, that is why one "simple" task is not so simple.
...And, it is now 8:30pm and I just realized that the only reason I was able to cook the chicken is because I had a parenting fail and completely forgot that my son had CrossFit Kids tonight. See, again, this is why it's a bad idea to overextend yourself. You end up getting everything out of whack.

What are the great things you did today that you should be proud of?

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

"Why Is This Happening To Me?": Helping Kids Navigate Chronic Illness

Today my beautiful, smart, strong, and loving ten year old son asked me, with tears in his eyes, "Why can't I be normal? Why is this happening to me?"

Ever since he was a baby, my son has dealt with pretty severe stomach issues. When he was nursing, all I could eat for months at one point was baked chicken, rice, and broccoli. Then when he started on solid food, he was still always sick. At one point he was diagnosed with a fructose allergy, and we were told he could not eat fruit or anything with fructose in it. That seemed to get a bit better somehow, and we went for a time when his symptoms were mild, but then he ended up with a rectal prolapse which was super scary, but after some treatment, it resolved. He still went on and on with general stomach issues until we started eating a Paleo diet for my own health, and a lot of his issues improved, but not all. We were always more lenient with him because it was unclear what was wrong with his stomach and all allergy testing and other tests came back fine so doctors told us changing his diet could not make a difference.

However, changing his diet made a big difference, not only in improving many of his stomach issues but also other things, such as sensory processing disorder. That is another story for another post though.

Even with so many diet changes and improving, he still has episodes of stomach distress because we are still working on figuring out exactly what is triggering his symptoms. Actually, he was really doing well with barely any symptoms even on a 90% Paleo diet until three or four months ago when he got what we think was a stomach virus that just completely messed up the balance in his gut. He was vomiting on and off for four weeks. Now, if we stay strict Paleo plus removing some extra things, he does pretty well. But, there are still flare ups. It seems like we can not deviate from a very strict list of foods at all, which is hard. We travel often and we try to make sure when we eat out that the food is safe, but he still gets sick anyway.

Today, all he wanted to do was go to his CrossFit class, which he loves. But he was doubled over in pain. That's when he asked me, "Why can't I just be normal? Why is this happening to me?" All I could do was say, "I know how you feel."

I do know how he feels. I have had Irritable Bowl Syndrome my whole life and lactose intolerance (which got a bit better after my pregnancy actually,) and colitis more recently due to a bad setback with my binge eating disorder. Like him, all of the tests from doctors have been completely unhelpful and everything comes back negative for any allergies. I have lived in that place of not knowing why something is happening to me. I also have all of the mental illnesses on top of that, so I know what it's like to just want to be normal. Normal enough just to be able to function half way decently in the world, and not miss out on everything you love. Something "next to normal," as the musical says.

My son asked me "What if everything makes me sick? What if I can't eat anything except what you make, and I can't do that forever. What if I never get better? What if there are only three things I am not allergic to. What do we do then?" I told him we would do whatever we have to do. We will keep working hard with health professionals to find out what is wrong with his stomach, and if he has the most limiting diet ever, then we will do it.

My son, helping make almond milk since he can't have dairy.

I could have given him the pep-talk about how no one is normal and normal is just a setting on a washing machine. I do not think that would have helped though. Really what he was asking me was, "Why can't I just not be sick all the time?" and "What does this mean for the rest of my life?" At ten years old he is questioning if he will have to always be sick, and always put his life on hold for his illness.

So I was honest and told him I have no idea why bad stuff happens, but I do know that the most powerful thing we have is each other. We can be "not normal" together. I also let him know that if if there is anything I have learned from being wildly outside the norm and missing out on a ton of life due to my illnesses, it's this:

It sucks, it's hard, and it takes a ton of work. But... you learn to be a fighter even when you don't want to be and you think you can't go on, you learn to have compassion for others and their struggle in life, you become a more empathetic and loving person, you want to help other people suffer less, and you find hope even when you are convinced there isn't any. 

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Movie Review by Mother and Son: Phoebe in Wonderland

This is a joint movie review by me and my son. We watched the movie together and he said it was so good that I should blog about it and he wanted to help.

Phoebe in Wonderland (2008) is a movie about a nine year old girl with Tourette Syndrome. The movie shows her and her family's struggle as she starts to engage in obsessive rituals, inappropriate behavior like spitting and saying mean things, and repeating what other people have said. At the same time that all of this is happening, she is in a play of Alice in Wonderland where her symptoms disappear because she is able to hyper-focus. Her drama teacher, Ms. Dodger is really the only person who can get through to Phoebe, but after Phoebe jumps from the catwalk in the theater, Ms. Dodger is fired. There are other meaningful subplots such as Phoebe's classmate Jamie who is harassed because the other kids think he is gay, and Phoebe's mother who struggles with wanting to work and being a mother.

Review by Rev. Katie:
This movie was powerful in so many ways, not all of which I will have enough room to talk about here. For me, these themes stood out the most:

• Phoebe believes scary things people tell her and then in order to avoid them, she creates rituals. One ritual she has is something I did when I was little too. The first time we see Phoebe with "odd" behavior, she is repeating "Step on a crack, break your mother's back," and she is avoiding the cracks in the tile floor. I did the same thing when I was little, avoiding cracks wherever I walked. Phoebe also has compulsive hand washing, which I have to this day, thinking that she needs to wash her hands a certain number of times in order to do well in her audition or make something else good happen. Then her friend tells her that she either needs to pray or do something she hates in order to get the part of Alice in the play, so Phoebe starts rituals of jumping and clapping with a pattern and number of squares on the walkway outside and on the steps. When I was little and walking up stairs, I always had to jump two steps in order to feel safe. What this shows is that for some of us, our brain latches on to superstition or fear and desperately makes us try anything in order to be safe. This means what we say to kids really matters and tormenting kids with scary things is seriously life threatening. 

• Throughout the movie, Phoebe explains so well what it is like in her brain. She says at one point "I can see myself wrecking and ruining and I don't know how to stop." There is a heart wrenching scene with Phoebe crying in her bed to her Mom that she does not know why she does these things. It is also eye opening when Phoebe's father blurts out an unkind statement to her and when he goes to apologize he says, "The words just came out." Phoebe replies that the same thing happens to her. This is when her father is able to understand more of her inability to control her behavior. 

• At one point, Phoebe and her sister and running around the table, giggling and asking their parents to have a baby. Their father clearly gets overwhelmed with the noise and the stress, and blurts out: "Really? Do you think your mother could handle another one like you?" Immediately Phoebe runs away and starts into ritual jumping of squares on the tile floor and is saying "screw you!" She is trying to calm down and tell herself that what her father said was not true. Phoebe also sees and speaks to characters from Alice in Wonderland when she is scared or upset and in this scene she asks them if she is the reason why her mother would not have another child. Again, Phoebe is trying to calm herself and tell herself she is not a bad person. This scene shows so clearly how insulting and shaming a child with difficult behavior only triggers the behavior and makes them think they are bad. If this happens over and over again, the child can not longer fight off the belief that they are bad and they start to believe it. By the time they reach adulthood, it is programmed into them and this is their default belief about themselves so even their own beliefs then trigger the negative behaviors. Fortunately in the movie, the father apologizes, which really is important. None of us will be perfect parents, but sincere apologies and letting your child know that your reaction was due to your problem, and not because they are bad, is one way we we can help them not end up believing these things about themselves as an adult and making the illness worse. 

• There is a scene where Phoebe's younger sister says she wants a different sister, one she does not have to take care of and does not have whatever Phoebe has. The mother insists that Phoebe is fine, but the little girl rightly says that the mother has no idea what is going on. This scene not only shows how hard it can be for siblings who know what is going on but also for parents who are unwilling to see that their child may need help. For most of the movie, the little sister is the only one in the family who even helps Phoebe, even participating in some of her rituals. The sister just gets tired of basically being the only adult in the house. 
  

  

  Theatrical Poster

• Phoebe's parents eventually take her to a psychiatrist who diagnoses her with Tourette Syndrom, but Phoebe's mother insists this is not true and that Phoebe's behavior is her fault, so she fires the psychiatrist. Phoebe's mom does not want her labeled, thought of as "less than," and medicated leading to a life full of side effects. This is understandable. The problem is the mother blames herself, and thinks she can fix Phoebe, rather than accepting the diagnosis and looking for a better way to handle it if she does not want to use medications and such. There is too much shame in our culture surrounding brain disorders so parents become scared and are unable to see what is going on and search for the right kind of treatment for their child. I was a bit disappointed that the movie ends with the parents accepting the diagnosis and Phoebe explaining it to her class without going into what they do to help her. It might be assumed that they went with the medications and that the psychiatric diagnosis and now somehow things are ok. This ending risks promoting the idea that medication works for everyone and cures all. This mentality leads a lot of people to judge parents who use alternative methods of treatment for their children. But, no movie can be perfect or cover every aspect of life. There is not enough time!

• Twice Phoebe gets punished by her teacher and principal for spitting on other kids when the kids have chased, berated, and scared her and she has asked them to stop but they won't. This happens way too often- a child gets pushed to their limit and then punished while the larger group of bullies is defended, all because this child is "different." Even my son asked "Why is it always the nice kids who get in trouble when the mean kids do something wrong?" He said the approach of the drama teacher was much better: Rather than taking a punishment approach when someone writes "faggot" on Jamie's costume, the drama teacher addresses the whole group and teaches them something. This actually created a change in the way people treated Jamie rather than punishment which creates no understanding. It's a very powerful scene.

• The drama teacher, Ms. Dodger, is the only person who understands working with children and how to help them be their best selves. She allows children to make decisions on their own, encourages the kids to be the directors of the play, and is non-authoritarian. Unfortunately, after accidentally saying something hurtful to her friend Jamie, Phoebe runs and climbs up the catwalk. Phoebe retreats into Wonderland for solace and looks down the ladder of the catwalk and sees the hole that brought Alice to Wonderland, so she jumps. It is not a long jump and Phoebe gets a sprained wrist. However, the drama teacher gets blamed for this and there is a terrible, yet typical, scene when the principle questions Phoebe and distorts what she says to make it look like Ms. Dodger told her to jump. Ms. Dodger was the only person who actually helped Phoebe and the other children. In fact, it is Ms. Dodger who gives Phoebe the most beneficial advice- that one day she will see herself as she is, even the parts that are different, accept herself, and on that day she will feel love. Far too often, it is the more creative teachers who know how to help children with brain disorders, but few people ever listen to them.

• After the jump off the catwalk, Phoebe asks her parents if people usually feel hope. They think she did not feel hope and that is why she jumped. Rather, Phoebe explains that she felt hope when looking into Wonderland and that is why she jumped, but in the real world she feels no hope. This illustrates how people often misinterpret behavior that seems to them like self harm. Also, when Phoebe's mother confronts Ms. Dodger and mentions her daughter does not feel hope, again Ms. Dodger gives the best advice- that sometimes we don't feel hope but we keep on anyway, and then we know we have it.

Review by Jeffrey, age 9:

"This movie will change your life.

The movie was awesome. I think it kind of showed me what Mommy's life was like when she was little.

I think teachers could learn a lot from Ms. Dodger, like that kids can do things on their own and they do not need you watching over them every second. 

Parents could learn to not think when something goes wrong that it is their fault. In the part of the movie where Phoebe is crying with her Mom in bed and the Mom asks "What's wrong" and Phoebe says she does not know, the Mom did not keep asking her what was wrong. If we don't know what is wrong, don't keep asking us anymore because it really gets annoying and it puts too much pressure on us. 

People can also learn from the movie that if you are different, that does not mean you are bad, it just means you are special. If someone ever punishes you for being different, then you should talk to your parents and have them fix it. If someone punishes you for being different, that is very mean and it can make you feel bad about yourself."


Both Jeffrey and I recommend that you watch this movie and talk about it afterwards. We both learned things about one another and how to help each other when we are having a difficult time.

I know now not to try and fix everything for him when he says he is not sure what is wrong, and he knows that he should always tell me if he ever starts to feel overwhelmed like Phoebe's little sister. We also talked about apologizing when we say unkind things to each other and how that makes all the difference in how he sees himself as a person. Of course, we also discussed that you you can't just be mean all the time and think if you apologize that it makes everything better. You need to try and act better each time.

When you watch the movie, let us know in the comments what spoke to you.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie and Jeffrey

Why Having Fun Creates Better Mental Health

We have been trying to add different kinds of exercise, adventure, and fun to our lives. This is good for everyone's mental wellness, but it is especially helpful for people with mental illness. We chose some activities the other day that were inspired by a few of the principles in the book Running with Nature. We got outside, laughed and played, and had some adventure.

Research shows are many reasons why these activities help create mental wellness. Being outside gets us out in the sun, which elevates the mood. People with Seasonal Effective Disorder (SAD) and depression are often treated with light therapy. Too much darkness increases melatonin. Melatonin is needed for sleep, but too much of it can make people depressed and tired. Laughing and playing is proven to make everyone happier. Taking a bit of time each day for fun means we then have enough energy for the rest of our life such as work and it even helps us handle difficult situations better. It is also said that laughter helps us heal. Some hospitals and use humor therapy as part of their program and have found it reduces the need for medication.

Copyright, Jeff Norris

In order to get all of these benefits for us as a family, we decided to use the slackline that my husband Jeff bought on a whim a few months ago. Slacklining is basically balancing on a piece of nylon that is suspended between two trees. We also spent some time on our trampoline which is always fun. I often forget to do anything fun, ever, and I was reminded how important it is to my mental health and also the health of my family.

The slackline is basically a balance exercise, which means you need to be in tune with yourself. Balance exercises require you to pay attention to your body and really focus on what you are doing. This is never one of my favorite things to focus on because I am very self consious about my size and I often feel like a big bull in a china shop. I would rather forget I even have a physical body, but you can not do that when you are doing any kind of exercise that requires a focus on balance. Slacklining helped me be a little less upset about who I am as I started to just let go, have fun, and focus on learning to balance more. I found that when I started taking stronger antipsychotics a few years ago, my balance was severely effected and even though I stopped taking them, I have never gotten my balance back. I hope slacklining will help me reverse that.

I also found slacklining brings us closer together as a family. We were all encouraging each other and helping each other get across the line. We wanted to see each other succeed and we were all engaged in helping each other reach our goals. (My son is currently working on his best yet, four steps without help from anyone.) When we were on the trampoline, I commented that our neighbors must think we are so weird. Other people have trampolines, but we never see parents using them. Our son, while jumping high up in the air said, "You guys are the best parents and the most fun!" Seriously, how could you not feel happier after hearing that?

Copyright, Jeff Norris

As Jeff was helping me across the slackline I had this profound sense that we rarely are just present with each other. The longer partners are together, the less we remember to have any daily physical contact. You hold hands less and don't spend as much time really looking at each other. When Jeff helped me go across the line, I remembered how we still need to make time to be present with each other rather than just going through our daily lives. It is all too common for couples to loose connection with each other, especially when one of them is living with an illness. It can feel like all of your life is about the illness and everything becomes stressful. Spending time together having fun brought us much closer together and allowed us to appreciate each other more. All in just an hour.

They suggest one hour of play per day in Running with Nature and I can tell that the more we try and stick to that suggestion, the better off we will all be.

What will you do today that gets you outside, let's you have fun, and is a bit adventurous?

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Being Shamed for Speaking Publicly About Mental Illness

I received a comment on my blog the other day which brings up an issue that affects many of us with mental illness - being shamed for talking publicly about our illness.

Here is the comment: 

"Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "The Messy Reality of Mania":

Dear Katie,
This post of yours is a true cry for help if I ever heard one. This was a truly sad and disturbing post to read. This has been viewed by many of your relatives and it upset many. I know that it must have been very hard for you to write it. This is not only hurting you, but also your husband and, unfortunately your son as well. Please, for your sake and for the sake of your family, seek a competent psychiatrist who is very familiar with bipolar disorders. I know that you do not like to be medicated, but if you work with the right person, they can find the right drug that can help you. Please do this for yourself. You are the only person who can change you. There is hope, but you need to take the first step. We all love you and want only the best for you.

A very concerned relative" 

There are many issues with a comment and action such as the one above. First, let me say, this is an "anonymous comment from a very concerned relative." This is the internet friends, and I did not think to require an email to leave comments on my blog (that will change though), so I have no idea if this really is a family member or someone else. I do believe whoever this person is, they do care and want the best for me. That is very kind and I appreciate the concern.

Photo copyright of Seanan Holland.

However, this comment is written in a way that shames people with mental illness. Maybe not on purpose, but that is what is happening. They are asking me to wear a public mask in order to not make them uncomfortable. This is much like the mask project we did in seminary where we painted the outside of the mask to represent what we are supposed to present to the world and the inside with who we really are.

Saying that me telling my story and opening up about the reality of mental illness upset many of my family members and I am hurting my son and husband is extremely shaming. This comment is saying "I am scared of your illness and so I don't want to hear about it. I will use the ultimate way to make you feel bad, saying you are hurting your family, in order to try and get you to do what I want." Whenever someone says "many others agree with me" you should probably question that. This is a common way for someone to try and get you to do what they want by backing up their statement with an unseen group of people to make you think "If lots of people agree, I must do what this person is asking of me." In leadership you learn that these unknown "many people" often end up being just a few out of the hundreds in the organization.

There is also a huge assumption that this person knows what is best for me and how my husband and son feel. All inaccurate information of which they have not attempted to verify. It is a presumptuous comment which does not allow my husband or son to speak for themselves.

This comment assumes I do not have competent medical help. Sadly, whoever this is has not actually inquired as to what help I am getting, which is a lot. I am fortunate to have more people helping me than the average person with mental illness. I am so blessed to be getting such great mental health treatment.

Out of the dozens of comments and emails I received about the blog post, only two people thought it was a cry for help. This is most likely due to a misunderstanding of what a cry for help is and not knowing much about cutting, which is why I will write a separate blog post on this topic to go more in depth on those issues. 

This comment is annonymous. This happens to people with mental illness all the time. For me it was on the blog, for others it is triangulation where a "concerned friend" tries to get to get their message of concern to you through another person. Other times it is an anonymous letter or email. 

In ministry I learned to never take anonymous feedback. Anonymous feedback is a huge red flag that warns: this issue really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the person attempting to bully or shame you into doing what they want. Anonymous feedback leaves no room for relationship, understanding, empathy, compassion, and love. And in all honesty, true concern and love does not come from an anonymous comment. It comes from direct communication.

I know the phrase "You are the only person who can change you" is very popular. I don't disagree completely. We can not change another person. For someone to recover from a mental illness, or really deal with any illness, they need to recognize they have an illness and be open to treatment. However, mental illness is greatly affected by environment. When someone is trying to treat their illness and they are in an unsupportive environment, it is almost impossible to get better. In fact, it is really just better to get out of the dysfunctional system. The best thing to compare this too is alcohol addiction. If the family of an addict drinks around them, keeps alcohol in the house, does not support their recovery, and will not talk to them about their addiction, they are sabotaging the alcoholic. 

I understand that mental illness scares people. Many illnesses scare us. No one wants to be sick. The reality of illness is that it is messy and complicated. That does not mean we should not talk about it. The more we hide it, the more we promote this whole idea that mentally ill people are too scary to be around and we just want them to get medicated and be quiet.

You may be wondering if you have a loved one you are worried about what might be a good response to express concern for someone. Here is one suggestion:

"Dear Katie,

This is (name of family member or friend.) I read your blog post and I did not know so much about your bipolar before. I admit it was sad for me to read this, but I am glad you shared so I can know more about what you are going through. Are there ways that we can help you and be supportive of you? Please let me know what we can do. Please let Jeff and Jeffrey know we are around if they need anything as well. We love you."

Notice that this does not bring up their evaluation of my treatment of my husband and son. It does not imply that telling my story is upsetting large groups of people and thus inappropriate. It is not anonymous so I can actually contact this person and ask for help if I need it and thank them for caring about me. It does not judge my choices on treatment or judge the actions of my medical professionals. It is honest that the reality of mental illness is scary for them, but they want to help anyway.

As a side note, let me address the issue of not agreeing with someone's form of treatment, because I know that is something many people are worried about. It's valid. Sometimes people do things you think are not a good idea. When I see someone with heart disease eating a burger and fries, I too want to say "Stop doing that and get help." That is shaming and unlikely to actually help them change their behavior.

Recently I had a friend express their concern who said, "I don't think bipolar can be controlled without medication, but I am willing to support you in your decision and help you any way I can. I am here if you need me and you can call me any time." This response expresses their concerns and opinion, but also does not try to change me. It lets me know they will help me. This means the conversation is always open and they respect me, which leads to me being able to hear any suggestions they might have. It is non-confrontational, not shaming, and relational. 

It is sad that mental illness is so scary that we have a hard time talking about it and accidentally communicate in ways that are shaming and do not allow for us to help each other. I understand why this happens. It is a tough subject to talk about. I hope by sharing the issues with this comment that I can help people communicate with each other better.  

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Movie Review: Running From Crazy

Last night at the 2013 Cleveland International Film Festival, we saw Running From Crazy, which is a documentary about Mariel Hemingway's journey to understand her family's history of mental illness. Mariel is an actress, model, and the granddaughter of Ernest Hemingway. There are seven suicides in her family, including Ernest and Mariel's sister Margot.

Photo from Running From Crazy's FB Page

This is a very good movie for so many reasons. First, there is footage from when Mariel's sister Margot was creating a documentary about Ernest Hemingway. In the footage you can really see the family dynamics Mariel speaks of from her childhood. You also hear Margot talking about her struggles, which hit so close to home for those of us with mental illness.

Second, this movie is from the perspective of one of the healthier members of the family, Mariel, trying to live within a dysfunctional family, find her own peace and her own way out to break the cycle of mental illness and dysfunction. I think it is important to hear not only from the voices of those with mental illness but from their family members as well. Mariel is so candid about her emotions concerning different family members and how she is working towards greater understanding and compassion. What is beautiful about the movie is that she is not insulting to her family, but truly seeks to understand them better and talk about the times when she may have been unkind to her sisters. She truly talks about the whole family system rather than blaming and shaming anyone. This shows in incredible amount of insight and spiritual work on her part. And she is honest that she is still working on some of those issues. She is not perfect, just like none of us are perfect.

For me personally, as someone with mental illness, I identified with much of this movie not only from Mariel's point of view but also in some of the things her sister Margot spoke of and her pain. It was healing for me to watch this movie and know I am not alone in some of my life experiences. This is why I think sharing our stories is so important. We tend to think we are the only ones stuck in a situation that is scary and we don't understand, and this creates a lot of shame. We need to know there are others out there in similar situations also striving to change dynamics, become well for themselves, and live a happy and healthy life.

Mariel talked a bit about her lifestyle as well, which she sees as essential to wellness. Rarely in the community of mental illness do you hear people talking about anything other than medication as a way to recovery. This makes it very hard for those of us who feel a different way is a better fit for them. People seem to think that I am required to take medication and I am irresponsible if I do not. Then again others say I must not really have a mental illness if I don't take medication. This is not true. I just believe that we have the ability to know what our bodies and minds need to be well and for some of us that means we need medication as well as a healthy lifestyle and for others we do not need the medication.

Our home brewed mango kombucha (fermented tea).

I loved seeing Mariel on the trampoline, being active, and talking about drinking kombucha and eating local foods. These are things that Jeff and I do, yet most people think it is weird and a very restrictive life. Mariel was also walking across a slack line, which Jeff bought a while ago and has been wanting us to try. I guess I have to try it now! It is all about finding the diet that works for you which heals your body and mind, getting out in the sun and nature, sleeping well, exercising, having fun, and having a spiritual practice in your life.

One of the hardest things about sticking with this lifestyle is that it is difficult to do if you do not live in a community that supports it. Mariel and her partner Bobby Williams created The Willing Way in order to help support other people who want a healthy lifestyle. This is important in terms of general community support but also, I find it difficult to find healthy living supporters who also understand mental illness. Many of these groups are quite unsupportive of those of us who can't just make a decision one day and stick with it forever. We are seen as weak and selfish. I think Mariel could be a great voice for understanding and acceptance for those of us struggling with mental illness who want non-pharmacological ways to reach recovery.

I recommend seeing this movie to give real insight into mental illness from a whole family perspective. It shows the reality of mental illness, but it also the hope that exists as well.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Whole30 Wrap Up: Creating a Powerful Body, Mind, and Spirit

Today is the last day of my Whole30. Finally! After trying Whole30 at least 5 times, I actually finished it. Woo Hoo!! Here is my Whole30 Wrap Up:

Why Did I Do a Whole30?

• I have a terrible relationship with food and I needed to change that. Normally I am just worried about loosing weight, but all the other weight loss methods that worked for me just had me eating low fat, sugar-free, ice cream, and bread all day. I lost weight but still had a bad relationship with food, and then a few years later I gained the weight back.
• What I eat helps regulate my bipolar disorder better than medications do. I needed to figure out what was best for my treatment plan.
• I wanted to have choice in my life rather than letting my illness take control of me.
• I wanted to finally stick up for myself and to say that I am worth this amount of work.
• For my family. I wanted my son to learn what is healthy. Not see that you eat healthy to be a certain size, but you eat, sleep, recover, play, learn, and grow spiritually so you can be play hard, learn more, and be strong.

What Were The Hardest Things About Whole30?

• Meal planning. You need a TON of food prepared in order to eat Whole30 because you really can't eat out anywhere. (Or at least I could not because I did not want to risk it.) Sometimes we ate the same meal for breakfast lunch and dinner. 
• The "Sugar Dragon." I craved sugar, dreamed about sugar, and a few times overate dates or sweet potatoes.
• Binge eating healthy food! I didn't know that if I had no options, I really would overeat veggies and meat. 
• Taking food everywhere. Every meeting, every dinner party, every play date for our son, we brought our own food.
• I am not cured. I have had Irritable Bowel (IBS) my whole life and really thought if I just ate Whole30 it would go away. It got better but didn't go away completly. There must still be more I am sensitive too. Also, my bipolar is much better regulated but I don't have more than 3-4 days where I am really stable. 

Two of our favorite books. Photo by Jeff Norris.

What Were The Best Things About Whole30?

• While I am not cured of IBS or bipolar, they are both significantly better. And, I no longer fear cutting out foods in order to get even more healthy. I always thought "I don't have enough willpower to be better." Whole30 made me realize willpower is a myth. I can do it if I have a good support system, we are better prepared, and I know I am worth it. It was not until week 3 that I really realized I could do this. I think you just have to force yourself to do it for at least 3 weeks before you know you can do it. 
• Cooking with my husband. We used to drive each other nuts trying to cook in the same kitchen. But this time we both were working towards the same goal and it was great.
• My son learned about being healthy and is actually interested in it! He remained almost completely Whole30 compliant, and he wanted to do it. Gone are the previous days of him complaining that he can't have pizza, bread, dairy, sweets, candy, and "eat what everyone else eats." He likes to just eat healthy. He wants to be stronger, faster, and better in school. He started CrossFit kids in the last few weeks and is really loving the whole healthy lifestyle.
• We had fun doing this together as a family. We cooked new things, ruined some dishes that made our son laugh at us, went to visit the farm where our meat comes from, worked out together, and we became far more encouraging of each other not only with eating but work, school, and life.
• I learned that my eating disorder is perpetuated by eating bad food. It Starts With Food, the book about Whole 30, has a great chapter on the science behind the addictive nature of processed foods. 
• Supplements, sleep, and other things had been suggested to me by my doctor for my treatment but it was so hard to figure out what helped, what was causing problems, because I just had so much bad food in my body. I have a better idea of what supplements help, how much sleep I need, and that there are still a lot more lifestyle changes to go before my treatment plan is compete. Now doing the Whole30, I know I can do all of these things. 
• I proved to myself that I matter. I did not cave and put myself last just to make other people more comfortable. I did not doubt my intuition on how best to care for myself. I gave myself power that I thought I did not have before.

"Measurable" Results From the Whole30

•  Mental Illness: Less Ativan needed, bit better sleep (still working on this), more stable moods, times that would have set me over the edge were not as bad, on the path to recovery from binge eating, happier, sense of self worth.
• Physical: Better at CrossFit and better at sticking with working out, lost weight and inches (I went down two notches on my belt), skin clearing up, eczema not gone but better, IBS not as bad.
• Family: We became closer as a family, we support each other more, healthy living has almost defined us and what we think is important, even our dogs are on a better diet.
• Spiritual: Much better connection to the earth, animals, and farmers who bring us our food. More gratitude, less waste, more understanding of how to help others who are working on being healthy, easier to stick to our ethics, more connected with the Spirit of Love around us. 

What Is Next?

•  Sticking with a strict Paleo base following the Whole30 concept of not eating a ton of Paleofied foods, and not using any refined sugar, and only small amounts of honey or maple syrup. 
• Whole30 has a reintroduction plan, but instead I will be eliminating some more foods to see what still bothers my stomach and I never want to reintroduce wheat, sugar, processed foods, etc...
• More focus on sleep, timing of eating, exercise, and meditation.

Overall, the Whole30 experience was great. True, sometimes I wanted to pull my hair out, scream, yell, and quit. However, the power you gain from doing something like this is so great. You become stronger in body, mind, and spirit.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Some of our most used items this month: It Starts With Food, Practical Paleo, Well Fed, and recipe for Slow Cooker Italian Pork Roast.

Breaking the Silence: Joint Sermon by Husband and Wife

Many people have been asking me for the sermon my husband Jeff and I gave about mental illness. The title "Breaking the Silence" is inspired by NAMI's educational program created to destigmatize mental illness. My part is from the persepective of patient and his from the perspective of the partner of someone with bipolar disorder. We hope it is helpful to you.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie and Jeff

Breaking the Silence Part I: Rev. Katie Norris

One out of every three Americans suffer from a mental illness each year. That is 32.4% of our population. The odds are very high that you know and love someone with a mental illness. You work with them and your children are friends with them. It is very likely though you don’t know the majority of them have a mental illness. This is because the stigma against mental illness is high. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have heard people say they would never hire someone who is bipolar, or that depression is fake, or call people with schizophrenia a freak. This happens in every kind of setting I have been in. Parties, workplaces, schools, even in our churches.

One time at a seminar at General Assembly, which focused on using social media in churches, a fellow minister said he did not want to start a Facebook page for his church that allowed people to comment on the page because, and I quote, “there are a lot of people in our area with bipolar and I don't want them posting things that will cause problems.” I was shocked and devastated at the ignorance of this person who is called to uphold the first principle of Unitarian Universalism that says everyone has inherent worth and dignity. I almost turned to him and said “I have bipolar disorder and it sounds like maybe you don’t know enough about it, would you like to talk about it?” But, I was too tired. Some days you pick your battles and that day I just didn’t have it in me, again, to try and defend my inherent worth and dignity as well as the inherent worth and dignity of others with mental illness.
  
So yes, I have bipolar disorder and a panic disorder and it is an illness I live with like any other chronic illness. I knew I was sick at the age of six, but was not treated until I was nineteen and not correctly diagnosed until I was twenty five. This means that I have the same kind of up and down moods that Eli the bipolar bear from our story has. It also means I have frequent panic attacks. When I was younger I was scared to ever leave my house. Now I live with my panic attacks on a daily basis and just kind of muscle through them because if I didn’t I wouldn't go anywhere or do anything. This has been a long road my family and I have been on, which we still continue to navigate because mental illness is extremely hard to treat.
  
Many people ask me what it is like to have mental illness, and there is really no good way to describe it. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that you have an illness in your brain which effects your behavior and abilities. For me, often music can explain things better than just plain words can. So I have a song for you from the musical Next to Normal which is about a woman with bipolar disorder and her family. In the song, called "You Don’t Know," she is trying to describe to her husband what it is like to have mental illness and the fact that he really does not know what it is like having not experienced it himself. The words and music speak to the pain and confusion of what mental illness is really like.

Music: "You Don’t Know" from Next to Normal

The biggest struggle in raising awareness about mental illness, is, as the song suggests, most people just don’t know what it is like to have it. People seem to understand physical illnesses, like cancer, diabetes, or a broken arm, because you can easily see or test for these illnesses. Mental illness is not something you can look at like a broken arm, or easily test for. It is an illness that is unseen and comes out in behavior changes more than anything else. Due to this fact, people believe many myths about mental illness and I would like to address a few of those myths today because breaking down those myths means we can truly start to help people.

The first myth is that many people assume mental illness is not real. This is not true, it is a chemical imbalance. While in the past there were no tests for mental illness, they are now finding in brain scans that you can see the difference between a mentally ill brain and the brain of a normal person.

The second myth is that people with mental illness are just lazy, stupid, or mean and should be able to control themselves. It is hard for people to understand why someone can’t control their own behavior at times. Because of this often friends and family of people with mental illness label their loved one as lazy, irresponsible, or mean because of the way they act. However, mental illness means chemicals in your brain make your brain do things you don’t want it to do. We are not trying to be mean, we are not lazy, or stupid. We want to be well just as much as you want us to be well. This is probably one of the hardest things for people to understand and have compassion around and Jeff will speak about this a little later as this is one of the biggest struggles for family members.
  
The third myth is that if we just take medication, we get better. Science has not really perfected treating mental illness and for many of us the medications do not work well enough or are so toxic that the side effects mean you have to stop taking them. Or the medication takes all of your personality and life away leaving you empty and cold. Medication is not an easy fix so one way to help someone with mental illness is to understand their struggles with medication and not judge and yell at them for not taking it. Also, there are many lifestyle changes which are just as important as medication which can help treat mental illness, such as exercise, sleep, spiritual practice, and diet. We can help people maintain those changes by being understanding of the restrictions this puts on their lives instead of making fun of them for it or insisting they don’t need to do it.
  
The fourth myth is that people with mental illness can not be productive members of society. People assume we can’t have families, hold down a job, and our opinions don’t matter. In October of last year, an article came out in the New York Times which showed how work is often an effective way of managing your illness as was told in the story of a woman who has scizoeffective disorder but also holds a high profile executive job. Her job gave her meaning and purpose in life, all she needed was the ability, when her illness got bad, to have some time off or even bring her therapy dog into work with her. Research now shows that people with mental illness are often good at very demanding jobs because we understand crisis and urgency better than most people. If our society could be more understanding about these illnesses and give people more flexibility in their jobs, we could lessen the amount of times people end up hospitalized. Unfortunately, as for many illnesses, it is hard to get this kind of understanding in the workplace. This is something we need to work for in all areas of health and wellness. 
  
The fifth myth is that children can not get mental illness. Mental illness can happen to anyone at any age and we can not just assume that repeated behavioral issues with a child are just because of a spoiled, ungrateful child. We don’t want to over or misdiagnose kids, but we do need to pay attention when kids are exhibiting serious problems. I can tell you from experience it is devastating as a child to have mental illness and let it go untreated as it makes life agonizing, confusing, and you often feel like a bad person. Adults and children alike make fun of you and judge you for being different. That is one of the reasons I think our faith is so essential to our children who may have mental illness. We teach that they are loved just as they are and we will work with them to create environments which help them thrive. That is why we try to have religious education that is accessible to all learning and mental abilities. This faith will save those children from living in a culture that says they are bad and wrong for having an illness. We are the loving and salvific voice to those kids, and even adults, as that is what I heard in a Unitarian Universalist Church when I was twenty-five. This faith told me I was loved and they believed in me as a whole person, which meant I was able to do many valuable things with my life.
  
This leads me to the sixth myth I want to address, that we as a society and community can not help people with mental illness. People often say that people with mental illness can’t change and what we do does not affect them so we should just leave them be and let them suffer the consequences of their illness alone. In reality, the best way for someone to manage their illness is to have a large supportive community around them. People who help them keep up with their treatment plan. People who call and check on them to see how they are doing. An understanding work environment, and people who also help check in on family members as well.
  
This can be a fatal illness for some of us but the more we raise awareness and create a supportive community, the less likely that is to happen. And when it does happen, we need to be the ones to support the families and friends during such a difficult time. If we don’t understand the illness, we can’t adequately help them process what happened.
  
Most importantly we as a church community can help by making sure that people have a faith which is realistic about what mental illness is, which brings me to the last myth. Sadly many faiths promote the myth that mental illness is actually evil spirits that take over a person, or a person only gets mental illness if they have been bad and need some form of punishment. As Unitarian Universalists, those teachings go against everything we stand for, so instead we can be the faith that says we understand. We can be the faith that welcomes people with mental illness into our communities and gives them volunteer opportunities which speak to their heart and soul. We can be the communities that help people find nourishing spiritual practices, which are proven to help in the management of mental illness. We can be the community that does not stigmatize and judge. We can be the faith that creates a larger support system not just for the person with mental illness but for their family as well. We have a chance, in our churches to help end the pain that comes from the stigma of mental illness, if we just seek to understand it better.
  
This is what I, as a person with mental illness wanted to let you all know, the truth about these diseases. Another truth about it is that mental illness, as with all illnesses, affects the family in a very deep way. It is often most hard for family members to understand what is going on and discover ways to help. My husband Jeff is here today to share some of that experience with you.

Katie & Jeff

Breaking the Silence Part II: Jeff Norris

I’ve known Katie since she was 16 years old. She was always a little emotional. When we first started dating, we would spend hours talking about whatever was going on in her life. We discussed the play-by-play analysis of the soap opera that is high school. I never really thought that this was different than what anyone else went through.

Fast forward 5 years, and we had just graduated from college, gotten married, moved, started a new job, and I started graduate school. It was almost like we were trying to squeeze as many stressful events as possible into a single summer. We were living in upstate New York, about 8 hours away from family, and Katie was struggling with her own identity, while I was busy working.

Katie was seeing a doctor for depression, and we were constantly fighting about how to share work around the house. It was not unusual for us to be up fighting until 2 AM about who should be doing the laundry or sorting the mail. I was mad because I had to do what I thought was more than my fair share of the chores. I hated that I always had to be the one to pickup the slack.

Looking back, I really didn’t get it. I found myself falling into the trap of calling Katie lazy, because I didn’t have enough awareness of what was really going on. I couldn’t see that her limits were not my limits, and that fighting about those limits only made our relationship worse. I should have been supportive and helped Katie to work from where she was, but instead I fed into the disease and actually made things worse by fighting with her and making her feel guilty about what she couldn’t handle doing. Our relationship could have fallen apart back then because I didn’t know how to handle the disease.

Fast forward another 5 years, just after our son was born, we figured out that Katie’s illness was not depression, but bipolar disorder, which is the combination of depression and mania. For the last decade, we had been ignoring half of Katie’s symptoms. I had no idea that being overly productive and not needing very much sleep was actually a problem, and a sign of an impending crash. Once I had a better understanding of what was really going on, there were things that I could do to help make things better.

I think of helping someone with mental illness as being analogous to driving a car.

First you need to point the car in the right direction. For us, that means taking the proper medications, getting enough sleep, eating right, spiritual practice, and exercising. For others, it can include meditation and massages.

Second, you need to plan where you are going. For us, this means thinking about major events that are coming up like family activities, travel, stressful work, or even changes in the seasons. We need to make sure that we are not over booked and that we have a plan to get through the events. Sometimes it means saying no to things that we might have otherwise done.

Third, you need to pay attention to where the car is actually going. For us, that means watching for signs that things are starting to go badly. Some of those signs include staying up late, empty candy wrappers appearing around the house or starting dramatic projects like reorganizing her office. Each person has slightly different signs, so it is important to understand how your friend or loved one responds.

Finally, you need to carefully steer the car back to the center as soon as you notice that you are going astray. For us, that can mean a doctor’s visit, increasing dosage of medication, or something as simple as taking a walk. For others, it can mean a trip to emergency room or a stay in the psychiatric hospital.

Just like driving a car, managing a mental illness requires making constant small changes and periodically following some pretty complicated detours. I know that since I am traveling though life with someone with a mental illness, our journey will not be as simple and straightforward as it could be. I also know that my life is richer because we are traveling together.

Breaking the Silence Conclusion: Rev. Katie Norris

The last thing I want to say is that mental illness is not all bad. My illness makes me who I am and I appreciate that. There has been a lot of research done lately on the positive sides of mental illness. Dr. Nassir Ghaemi says depression enhances empathy and realism, and mania enhances creativity and resilience. They are continually finding more positive sides to these illnesses and newer and better treatment options, which means there is always hope. If we can create supportive communities and advocate for better research and end the stigma, the future can look bright for people with mental illness. May this be what we work for in our churches and communities as this allows us to live out our first principle that says everyone has inherent worth and dignity.

It's The Simple Things

This week my husband is out of town. This always makes things much harder for me. If I have not prepared well, then I can't figure out how to get all the food cooked, get our son off to school, go to bed on time, etc... When my parents asked me how I was doing, I let them know we had very little food made in the house so Dad invited us over to dinner tonight. This was such a big help and took away a lot of the anxiety of the evening as my son and I were ensured to have a good dinner and I would not feel like a failure of a mother by giving him a random unhealthy dinner. Then later in the evening my sister called to check in on me and we talked about different random things, which helped me feel like life was normal again.

I know many family members wonder how they can help their loved one with mental illness. The illness seems so big that you need need to do something drastic in order to help them. In reality, it may be the more simple things, like dinner and a phone call, which will help the most.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

All Roads Lead To...A New Blog

In the past few months, I have received many comments about the few blog posts I did about bipolar disorder on my other blog Moving In With Dementia. I have also recently had people reach out to me for advice as they struggle with their own mental illness. I have given out my card to people who have asked me if I am willing to talk to their loved one with bipolar disorder. I have met with people for unrelated reasons, only to have them randomly share their story of caring for a loved one. I have heard rude comments and stereotype assumptions about people with mental illness while shopping in the store.

What I hear is a hurting world. A world of people who struggle with mental illness and have no one to talk to. A world of caregivers who are scared, tired, and angry and no one understands what they are going through. I hear a world full of stigma that makes it very difficult for patients to seek treatment and families to get help.

I hope my reflections on mental illness and the spirit bring another view to this disease. I hope talking about the medical, social, and spiritual aspects of bipolar disorder helps other people manage their illness. (I look for stories of people like me when I am struggling, and it helps me get through another day.) I hope this blog helps friends, partners, children and families talk about the toll this disease takes on them. I also write it a bit for myself as one of the things that helps me manage my illness is finding meaning and purpose in this disease which claims almost every waking moment of my life. I hope this blog adds one more voice to the effort to raise awareness and end the stigma against mental illness.

My wish is that this blog helps us all find a little more hope and connection in the midst of a disease that is often isolating and seemingly hopeless.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie