"Why Is This Happening To Me?": Helping Kids Navigate Chronic Illness

Today my beautiful, smart, strong, and loving ten year old son asked me, with tears in his eyes, "Why can't I be normal? Why is this happening to me?"

Ever since he was a baby, my son has dealt with pretty severe stomach issues. When he was nursing, all I could eat for months at one point was baked chicken, rice, and broccoli. Then when he started on solid food, he was still always sick. At one point he was diagnosed with a fructose allergy, and we were told he could not eat fruit or anything with fructose in it. That seemed to get a bit better somehow, and we went for a time when his symptoms were mild, but then he ended up with a rectal prolapse which was super scary, but after some treatment, it resolved. He still went on and on with general stomach issues until we started eating a Paleo diet for my own health, and a lot of his issues improved, but not all. We were always more lenient with him because it was unclear what was wrong with his stomach and all allergy testing and other tests came back fine so doctors told us changing his diet could not make a difference.

However, changing his diet made a big difference, not only in improving many of his stomach issues but also other things, such as sensory processing disorder. That is another story for another post though.

Even with so many diet changes and improving, he still has episodes of stomach distress because we are still working on figuring out exactly what is triggering his symptoms. Actually, he was really doing well with barely any symptoms even on a 90% Paleo diet until three or four months ago when he got what we think was a stomach virus that just completely messed up the balance in his gut. He was vomiting on and off for four weeks. Now, if we stay strict Paleo plus removing some extra things, he does pretty well. But, there are still flare ups. It seems like we can not deviate from a very strict list of foods at all, which is hard. We travel often and we try to make sure when we eat out that the food is safe, but he still gets sick anyway.

Today, all he wanted to do was go to his CrossFit class, which he loves. But he was doubled over in pain. That's when he asked me, "Why can't I just be normal? Why is this happening to me?" All I could do was say, "I know how you feel."

I do know how he feels. I have had Irritable Bowl Syndrome my whole life and lactose intolerance (which got a bit better after my pregnancy actually,) and colitis more recently due to a bad setback with my binge eating disorder. Like him, all of the tests from doctors have been completely unhelpful and everything comes back negative for any allergies. I have lived in that place of not knowing why something is happening to me. I also have all of the mental illnesses on top of that, so I know what it's like to just want to be normal. Normal enough just to be able to function half way decently in the world, and not miss out on everything you love. Something "next to normal," as the musical says.

My son asked me "What if everything makes me sick? What if I can't eat anything except what you make, and I can't do that forever. What if I never get better? What if there are only three things I am not allergic to. What do we do then?" I told him we would do whatever we have to do. We will keep working hard with health professionals to find out what is wrong with his stomach, and if he has the most limiting diet ever, then we will do it.

My son, helping make almond milk since he can't have dairy.

I could have given him the pep-talk about how no one is normal and normal is just a setting on a washing machine. I do not think that would have helped though. Really what he was asking me was, "Why can't I just not be sick all the time?" and "What does this mean for the rest of my life?" At ten years old he is questioning if he will have to always be sick, and always put his life on hold for his illness.

So I was honest and told him I have no idea why bad stuff happens, but I do know that the most powerful thing we have is each other. We can be "not normal" together. I also let him know that if if there is anything I have learned from being wildly outside the norm and missing out on a ton of life due to my illnesses, it's this:

It sucks, it's hard, and it takes a ton of work. But... you learn to be a fighter even when you don't want to be and you think you can't go on, you learn to have compassion for others and their struggle in life, you become a more empathetic and loving person, you want to help other people suffer less, and you find hope even when you are convinced there isn't any. 

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

There Are No "Demons Inside"

Joan Raymond wrote an article for NBC News about how teens with mental illness often hide their illness. The article raises the issues of why teens hide their illness, such as how during the teen years, anyone who is "different" is often bullied. It discusses how mental illness is seen in society as scary or weird, and so teens feel unsafe talking about how they are doing. The article also talks about how hard it is to actually even get mental health care for teens. Overall, it's a decent article that raises important issues. (I disagree with putting in the parts about the school shootings, and a quote from a teen accused of plotting violence who self-diagnoses and says "I think I am just really mentally-ill." The research does not support violence being linked to mental illness, and I have written about that previously.) It's an article that is meant to raise awareness so that we can do something, help teens feel safe to speak about their illness and get them proper treatment.

However, the title negates the whole message:

"Demons Inside: Teens at Risk Can Hide Mental Illness"

What teen or parent of a teen with mental illness would ever read this article and feel safe talking about mental illness when the title equates mental illness with "demons inside?" The title is emblazoned across a photo of Kenny Baker and his parents. Kenny died by suicide at 19 years old due to depression and anxiety. I feel for his parents. How it must hurt to see a beautiful photo of them with their child, and have the words "Demons Inside" splashed across it.

Mental illness has nothing to do with demons or inherent evil. Using a title like this promotes stigma and fear- the very things the article was attempting to combat. This "demon" idea is an old, outdated belief that stems from fear, in a time when we had no medical and scientific understanding of the brain. We no longer live in the middle ages. And yet, many people still believe people with mental illness are inherently evil, have let the devil into their soul, or are possessed by demons. Consistently since I started this blog a few years ago, the number one search term that brings people to my blog is "bipolar caused by evil spirits." If you read the comments on the NBC article, you will see quite a few people who think that mental illness is caused by the devil. We can not be promoting those ideas.

I have had mental illness since I was six years old. I remember news stories about murders or violent crime and hearing the terms mental illness, demons, evil, and possession being used all the time as reasons for the violence. I knew something was wrong with my brain, and there was no way I was going to tell anyone. What kid wants to be told they are inherently evil? What child or teen would ever feel safe in that environment?

Equating mental illness with demons and inherent evil that you have no control over also gives children and teens the message that no matter what they do, they will always be evil. They will never get better. They have no future, no chance in life.

There are no words to describe the immense self-fear and loathing this message creates. To be taught that even if you try to be good and kind, you never can be. To be told that at some point, because you are evil or possessed, you will hurt other people. This means there is no hope for you. You have no worth, no dignity, and no soul. And if there is no hope for you, then seeking out treatment is not an option. It's a terrible life sentence, and I am extremely disappointed to see this message in 2014 promoted by NBC News because they chose to sensationalize the title to get more readers.

I emailed Joan Raymond about my concerns with the title, but have not heard anything back yet. Who knows if she or her editors chose the title. Whoever it was, they were being very irresponsible.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

What I Teach My Son When I Say I Am Fat

I saw this great article going around Facebook again this week called When Your Mother Says She's Fat by Kasey Edwards. It is a letter by Edwards to her Mom about what she learned from her mother when her mother insulted herself due to her weight. What Edwards learned struck a cord for me and the many women who have been sharing this article because these are the same things we learned from our own beautiful mothers who never thought that they were beautiful

As the mother of a boy, I then thought about what mothers teach their sons when we speak badly about our own weight and appearance.

What particularly struck me in Edwards' article is where she writes that as a child she looked forward to the day when she would be like her mother, until:

"But all of that changed when, one night, we were dressed up for a party and you said to me, ‘‘Look at you, so thin, beautiful and lovely. And look at me, fat, ugly and horrible.’’

At first I didn’t understand what you meant.

‘‘You’re not fat,’’ I said earnestly and innocently, and you replied, ‘‘Yes I am, darling. I’ve always been fat; even as a child.’’

 

In the days that followed I had some painful revelations that have shaped my whole life. I learned that:
1. You must be fat because mothers don’t lie.
2. Fat is ugly and horrible.
3. When I grow up I’ll look like you and therefore I will be fat, ugly and horrible too."

In that article I heard two voices from my own life. 

I heard my own voice, just a few weeks ago when I was talking to my husband, in front of my son, about going to my husband's annual Christmas party. I told my husband: "I don't want to go. I am fat, disgusting, and you deserve someone who looks good like you." 

I heard my son's voice who so often has said "No Mommy, you are pretty" at the many times I have made comments like I did about this Christmas party. 

I bet almost daily I say something negative about the way I look and I know my son hears it. It has become a daily part of my life, natural for me. As natural as the girls in grade school who told me I had to be at the bottom of the pyramid because I was so fat the rest of them could not hold me up. As natural as the people who made fun of me for having fat legs. As natural as the people who told my husband when we were dating that I was not pretty enough for him. It seems totally normal to me to feel required to never let myself forget that I am fat and ugly.

The comment I made to my husband about the Christmas party- "I don't want to go. I am fat, disgusting, and you deserve someone who looks good like you," told my son a lot about me, about himself, about his father, and about women in general. 

These are the potential lessons I taught my son that day:

• Body weight is a sign of beauty and thus there is one universal idea of beauty that we all must conform to.
• Fat is disgusting.
• His idea of beauty is wrong (because he thinks I am pretty and I am telling him this is not true.)
• A wife must look a certain way for her to be good enough to be seen with her husband.
• I am worth less than my husband.
• I am not someone that anyone would want to be seen with in public, and thus maybe even my son should not be seen in public with me
• Men should not love women who do not fit the cultural ideas of beauty.
• A person's self worth is based on their weight.
• I do not practice what I preach. I preach body acceptance and self-love, but I do not practice it. 
• To practice self-loathing rather than self-compassion and love. 
• To judge other's worth by their weight.
• To judge himself by his weight.

Since this type of body hatred is so normal for me, I do not even realize I am doing it. It was not until I saw this graphic going around Facebook today that I realized how often, every day, and every year, I talk about my weight and how much I hate my body. This comes from a Facebook page called Grrrl:

So, rather than resolving to loose weight again this year I resolve to not talk about weight loss or worth being attached to weight and looks in front of my son. Eventually I want to never talk about it to anyone again, but I know I am not able to do that yet. However, I can take the step now to not expose my son to seeing his own mother hate herself because of her weight. 

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

P.S. After I wrote this post, I took a break to have dinner with my family and noticed that in order to follow through on this resolution I already had to stop myself from saying things I typically would have said before. Such as "I can't believe I ate that much. I should stop eating because I ate too much already today. I feel disgusting that I ate this."

Also, I should add that "fat" is not in itself a bad word. When we add qualifiers to it like "disgusting," or when we use it in a negative way, that is when it becomes a problem.

Movie Review by Mother and Son: Phoebe in Wonderland

This is a joint movie review by me and my son. We watched the movie together and he said it was so good that I should blog about it and he wanted to help.

Phoebe in Wonderland (2008) is a movie about a nine year old girl with Tourette Syndrome. The movie shows her and her family's struggle as she starts to engage in obsessive rituals, inappropriate behavior like spitting and saying mean things, and repeating what other people have said. At the same time that all of this is happening, she is in a play of Alice in Wonderland where her symptoms disappear because she is able to hyper-focus. Her drama teacher, Ms. Dodger is really the only person who can get through to Phoebe, but after Phoebe jumps from the catwalk in the theater, Ms. Dodger is fired. There are other meaningful subplots such as Phoebe's classmate Jamie who is harassed because the other kids think he is gay, and Phoebe's mother who struggles with wanting to work and being a mother.

Review by Rev. Katie:
This movie was powerful in so many ways, not all of which I will have enough room to talk about here. For me, these themes stood out the most:

• Phoebe believes scary things people tell her and then in order to avoid them, she creates rituals. One ritual she has is something I did when I was little too. The first time we see Phoebe with "odd" behavior, she is repeating "Step on a crack, break your mother's back," and she is avoiding the cracks in the tile floor. I did the same thing when I was little, avoiding cracks wherever I walked. Phoebe also has compulsive hand washing, which I have to this day, thinking that she needs to wash her hands a certain number of times in order to do well in her audition or make something else good happen. Then her friend tells her that she either needs to pray or do something she hates in order to get the part of Alice in the play, so Phoebe starts rituals of jumping and clapping with a pattern and number of squares on the walkway outside and on the steps. When I was little and walking up stairs, I always had to jump two steps in order to feel safe. What this shows is that for some of us, our brain latches on to superstition or fear and desperately makes us try anything in order to be safe. This means what we say to kids really matters and tormenting kids with scary things is seriously life threatening. 

• Throughout the movie, Phoebe explains so well what it is like in her brain. She says at one point "I can see myself wrecking and ruining and I don't know how to stop." There is a heart wrenching scene with Phoebe crying in her bed to her Mom that she does not know why she does these things. It is also eye opening when Phoebe's father blurts out an unkind statement to her and when he goes to apologize he says, "The words just came out." Phoebe replies that the same thing happens to her. This is when her father is able to understand more of her inability to control her behavior. 

• At one point, Phoebe and her sister and running around the table, giggling and asking their parents to have a baby. Their father clearly gets overwhelmed with the noise and the stress, and blurts out: "Really? Do you think your mother could handle another one like you?" Immediately Phoebe runs away and starts into ritual jumping of squares on the tile floor and is saying "screw you!" She is trying to calm down and tell herself that what her father said was not true. Phoebe also sees and speaks to characters from Alice in Wonderland when she is scared or upset and in this scene she asks them if she is the reason why her mother would not have another child. Again, Phoebe is trying to calm herself and tell herself she is not a bad person. This scene shows so clearly how insulting and shaming a child with difficult behavior only triggers the behavior and makes them think they are bad. If this happens over and over again, the child can not longer fight off the belief that they are bad and they start to believe it. By the time they reach adulthood, it is programmed into them and this is their default belief about themselves so even their own beliefs then trigger the negative behaviors. Fortunately in the movie, the father apologizes, which really is important. None of us will be perfect parents, but sincere apologies and letting your child know that your reaction was due to your problem, and not because they are bad, is one way we we can help them not end up believing these things about themselves as an adult and making the illness worse. 

• There is a scene where Phoebe's younger sister says she wants a different sister, one she does not have to take care of and does not have whatever Phoebe has. The mother insists that Phoebe is fine, but the little girl rightly says that the mother has no idea what is going on. This scene not only shows how hard it can be for siblings who know what is going on but also for parents who are unwilling to see that their child may need help. For most of the movie, the little sister is the only one in the family who even helps Phoebe, even participating in some of her rituals. The sister just gets tired of basically being the only adult in the house. 
  

  

  Theatrical Poster

• Phoebe's parents eventually take her to a psychiatrist who diagnoses her with Tourette Syndrom, but Phoebe's mother insists this is not true and that Phoebe's behavior is her fault, so she fires the psychiatrist. Phoebe's mom does not want her labeled, thought of as "less than," and medicated leading to a life full of side effects. This is understandable. The problem is the mother blames herself, and thinks she can fix Phoebe, rather than accepting the diagnosis and looking for a better way to handle it if she does not want to use medications and such. There is too much shame in our culture surrounding brain disorders so parents become scared and are unable to see what is going on and search for the right kind of treatment for their child. I was a bit disappointed that the movie ends with the parents accepting the diagnosis and Phoebe explaining it to her class without going into what they do to help her. It might be assumed that they went with the medications and that the psychiatric diagnosis and now somehow things are ok. This ending risks promoting the idea that medication works for everyone and cures all. This mentality leads a lot of people to judge parents who use alternative methods of treatment for their children. But, no movie can be perfect or cover every aspect of life. There is not enough time!

• Twice Phoebe gets punished by her teacher and principal for spitting on other kids when the kids have chased, berated, and scared her and she has asked them to stop but they won't. This happens way too often- a child gets pushed to their limit and then punished while the larger group of bullies is defended, all because this child is "different." Even my son asked "Why is it always the nice kids who get in trouble when the mean kids do something wrong?" He said the approach of the drama teacher was much better: Rather than taking a punishment approach when someone writes "faggot" on Jamie's costume, the drama teacher addresses the whole group and teaches them something. This actually created a change in the way people treated Jamie rather than punishment which creates no understanding. It's a very powerful scene.

• The drama teacher, Ms. Dodger, is the only person who understands working with children and how to help them be their best selves. She allows children to make decisions on their own, encourages the kids to be the directors of the play, and is non-authoritarian. Unfortunately, after accidentally saying something hurtful to her friend Jamie, Phoebe runs and climbs up the catwalk. Phoebe retreats into Wonderland for solace and looks down the ladder of the catwalk and sees the hole that brought Alice to Wonderland, so she jumps. It is not a long jump and Phoebe gets a sprained wrist. However, the drama teacher gets blamed for this and there is a terrible, yet typical, scene when the principle questions Phoebe and distorts what she says to make it look like Ms. Dodger told her to jump. Ms. Dodger was the only person who actually helped Phoebe and the other children. In fact, it is Ms. Dodger who gives Phoebe the most beneficial advice- that one day she will see herself as she is, even the parts that are different, accept herself, and on that day she will feel love. Far too often, it is the more creative teachers who know how to help children with brain disorders, but few people ever listen to them.

• After the jump off the catwalk, Phoebe asks her parents if people usually feel hope. They think she did not feel hope and that is why she jumped. Rather, Phoebe explains that she felt hope when looking into Wonderland and that is why she jumped, but in the real world she feels no hope. This illustrates how people often misinterpret behavior that seems to them like self harm. Also, when Phoebe's mother confronts Ms. Dodger and mentions her daughter does not feel hope, again Ms. Dodger gives the best advice- that sometimes we don't feel hope but we keep on anyway, and then we know we have it.

Review by Jeffrey, age 9:

"This movie will change your life.

The movie was awesome. I think it kind of showed me what Mommy's life was like when she was little.

I think teachers could learn a lot from Ms. Dodger, like that kids can do things on their own and they do not need you watching over them every second. 

Parents could learn to not think when something goes wrong that it is their fault. In the part of the movie where Phoebe is crying with her Mom in bed and the Mom asks "What's wrong" and Phoebe says she does not know, the Mom did not keep asking her what was wrong. If we don't know what is wrong, don't keep asking us anymore because it really gets annoying and it puts too much pressure on us. 

People can also learn from the movie that if you are different, that does not mean you are bad, it just means you are special. If someone ever punishes you for being different, then you should talk to your parents and have them fix it. If someone punishes you for being different, that is very mean and it can make you feel bad about yourself."


Both Jeffrey and I recommend that you watch this movie and talk about it afterwards. We both learned things about one another and how to help each other when we are having a difficult time.

I know now not to try and fix everything for him when he says he is not sure what is wrong, and he knows that he should always tell me if he ever starts to feel overwhelmed like Phoebe's little sister. We also talked about apologizing when we say unkind things to each other and how that makes all the difference in how he sees himself as a person. Of course, we also discussed that you you can't just be mean all the time and think if you apologize that it makes everything better. You need to try and act better each time.

When you watch the movie, let us know in the comments what spoke to you.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie and Jeffrey

A Promise For My Son on His Birthday

On this, my son's ninth birthday, I am reminded of the question many parents ask me about mental illness: "Can I prevent mental illness in my child?"

Clearly, we do not know enough about the brain to know if mental illness will ever be preventable. I already had signs of mental illness when I was six years old and now that Jeffrey is nine, I hope that maybe the genes have skipped him, but you really never know. Even though we don't know if we can prevent mental illness, I know that there are things we can do to not make it as likely or if it happens, make it less detrimental. An unsupportive, shaming, and emotionally abusive environment (at any age) contributes to mental illness either by possibly triggering it or making a current illness infinitely worse, so this is my message to my son:

Dear Jeffrey,

I promise to always recognize your inherent worth and dignity. I will not expect you to be anything other than you are, and will always encourage you to follow your interests, talents, and passions in life.

I will never shame you, making you feel as though you are bad. There are only bad behaviors, not bad people. So, if you do something that is not so great, you admit it, learn from it, and move on.

When you act out (and we all do it) I will always first ask "Why is this happening?" and never answer "Because you are a kid/teenager." I will commit to discovering what is behind what is going on so we can fix the situation rather than making accusations about your character.

When tragedy strikes and life is hard, we will deal with it together as a family. I will never hide things from you and treat you as though you can't handle anything. Hiding difficult things from you never allows you to experience your own emotions and deal with life in your own way. It is an insult to you to treat you as if I decide your emotions for you.

As a family, we will practice gratitude and joy so you will always know that even when life is scary, we still have things to be grateful for and things to enjoy. We learn together that joy in life is worth all the risk.

Katie & Jeffrey. Copyright: Jeff Norris

I will not dismiss your feelings and opinions. I will listen to your wisdom. By far, you have taught me more about compassion, respect, love, and justice than anyone else has. I will strive to never invalidate your beliefs, but instead listen to them and consider if they are also something I believe. I will be comfortable with the fact that we will not always agree on everything.

I will support you in following your own intuition and not teach you that you have to do something someone else said based on their age, class, or status.

I will listen and truly consider the situation if you tell me I have been unkind. Just because you are my child does not mean that you do not have the ability to evaluate something I am doing. Your perspective is very valuable.

All things I do, I do to help you on your path in life. If I think something is unsafe or could hurt you emotionally or physically, I will explain to you why. I will always build trust with you so that even in times that I need you to do what I ask, you feel confident that it is because I too have a perspective that is valid and not because I think I have power over you.

When I mess up, I will say I am sorry. I will not hide my failings. Everyone fails, failure is how we learn. I cannot learn to be a better parent unless I admit where I succeed and where I fail. You will not learn to know you deserve to be treated with respect if I never admit to making mistakes.

I will try my best not to project my issues, needs, or wants onto you. I will remember that just because something is a problem for me, that does not mean it is a problem for you. I will try and help you through the problems you have, not the problems I had or the problems I think you have.

I will not let my anxieties limit your life. I will let you have fun, take risks, and explore the world even if I fear that nothing is safe.

I always want you to know that you are never responsible for my actions or emotions and if I ever make you feel like you are, that is wrong of me and unacceptable. I will also never ask you to prove your love to me with the common parental statement: "If you love me, you will... (listen to me, do what I said, wear what I want you to, have the job I want for you.)"

I will strive to practice what I preach. I can not tell you that you have inherent worth and dignity and then proceed to insult myself in a myriad of ways or let other people treat me badly. I am honest with you that this is hard for me and I am still learning.

We will have fun as a family in everyday life rather than thinking fun and joy only happen in the "extraordinary" moments in life because truly the everyday is what is extraordinary.

I won't give you more freedom than you can handle or less freedom than you deserve and have earned.

I will remember that this letter to you is a covenant, a living document between you, me, Daddy, and the Spirit of Love. This promise will change over time as I learn to be a better parent and we travel through life together.

Love,

Mommy

Blaming Mental Illness for Tragedy Harms Children with Mental Illness

Sadly we have had another tragic shooting in America. This time in Connecticut twenty young children and six adults were killed. There are no words for how horrible this is. The sadness of this event is felt by everyone in our country and I can only imagine how their families and the community of Newton, Connecticut are feeling right now. My heart goes out to them and I pray that they feel the support and love of our nation with them.

Always the first question after an event like this is "Why did this happen?," and rightly so. We really want make sense of things, to feel like we have some control again so we can have a bit of stability back. It is always very hard for me though to read dozens of comments on Facebook saying: "if only we had a better mental health care system things like this would not happen." Or news articles which say the motive for the shooting is a "mystery" but then adds that the brother of the shooter says the shooter "has a history of mental illness."

As blogger Kate Donovan writes, when you blame mental illness for such an event, this is what you are saying:

"Here is a terrible thing. The only thing that could possibly cause someone to do such a terrible, tragic thing is to have This Disorder. Because only people with This Disorder could be so dangerous/awful/scary."

This assumption of mental illness is extremely detrimental to people with mental illness, but especially so to children with mental illness. I have had mental illness since I was a child and this belief that only people with mental illness do bad things is extremely terrifying.

There has been a lot of great advice of how to talk about this shooting with your children because even kids who live no where near Connecticut can be traumatized by just hearing about the shooting on the news. Now just imagine if you are a child with mental illness and you hear over and over again that only "crazy" or "mentally ill" people do things like this. Some parents, in order to explain why this happened, tell their children that the shooter "had a sickness in his brain." Then as a child you hear other kids in school saying that people who are "sick in the head" do things like this.

You learn at a young age that you are to be feared, not trusted, and you are a danger to society. You learn that it does not matter if you have a good heart, save every stray puppy in the neighborhood, and care deeply about other people. If your brain is not right you could end up just like this person who did something horrific. There really is no way to describe the fear you feel as a child hearing everyone around you put you into the same category as a killer. I can attest to the fact that it does traumatize you for life, leaving you with a feeling that you must be a bad person and just don't know it. It means every time an event like this happens you are thrown into a terrible state of panic where for days or weeks you can barely function and never sleep.

UPDATE: After I posted this originally, Liza Long's blog post, "I Am Adam Lanza's Mother" went viral. I have a response to that and how it might cause people to link mental illness to violence but I wanted to add to this post how I feel Long's post might affect children. 

I hear that Long was writing from a raw emotional place and so her post was very honest. I did feel that comparing her child, "Michael" to Adam Lanza would be extremely devastating to him if and when he reads the article. Also, I know that any child who hears about the post and who has mental illness, especially with any violent tendencies or thoughts (which may never turn into violent acts), may fear that they will be the next Adam Lanza. Hearing a mother liken her mentally ill child to a mass murderer could easily scare kids into wondering "Am I Adam Lanza?" 

(Read more about the "I Am Adam Lanza's Mother" debate here.)
 
So, I ask you to PLEASE think before you speak. Don't throw mental illness out as the reason for an event like this. Think of the message you are sending to the nearly 4 million kids in America who have mental illness. We don't need to add extra trauma to a nation of children and adults who are scared and hurting.

UPDATE: Here is another great article on this subject: The Pain of Being Linked By Asperger Dx to a Mass Shooter.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

The "Brat" Phenomenon

I keep witnessing a parenting style that is driving me crazy. I see it everywhere- in people's homes, at the mall, and on the playground. It is something many parents do yet no one is talking about the negative affects it has on our children. It's what I call the Brat Phenomenon, or name-calling.

I am so tired of hearing parents call their child a "brat." It is so common, and said in a million different ways:

"You are such a brat!"
"My kid is an annoying little brat."
"You're my little brat aren't you?"
"Stop being such a brat."

Merriam Webster defines brat as an ill-mannered annoying child. We all know it means even more than that: an ill-mannered, ungrateful, annoying child whom no one really likes.

So please tell me, why is anyone calling their child a brat? Calling your child names, like brat, which have negative meanings only hurts your child. It is a form of emotional abuse and can lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and often is the trigger for mental illnesses such as depression, bipolar disorder, and eating disorders.

I typically notice parents using the term in two situations, one where they are mad at something their child has done, and the other in a sarcastic way as if they are just joking. Well, if you are mad, talk to your child, don't call them names and berate them. And if you are being sarcastic and think it's funny, it's not. Your sarcasm just shows that you are insecure and feel the need to tear your child down in order to build yourself up. We all mess up as parents, but can we please try to stop making ourselves feel better by calling our kids names.

I see this so often, but in particular "brat" is a favorite term used by many parents. So, I have decided that the next time I hear someone call a child a brat in front of me and their child looks up at me with those sad eyes full of shame and embarrassment because of the actions of their parents, I will say to the child: "Do you know what I think brat means?"

It means you are:
Beautiful
Responsible
Amazing and
Talented

Someone needs to tell these children that they are amazing, wonderful, and loved just the way they are. 

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Being Honest With Our Kids

As you can read here, last week was pretty bad and it was just my son Jeffrey and I home alone. Jeffrey saw me struggle though my days and sleep a lot. Then when my husband Jeff got home I was angry and a mess. Jeffrey said nothing about this bothering him, but I could tell he was a little upset. He just seemed a bit concerned and was really working hard to think of things we could do together that I could handle, like going to a movie. Since he was concerned, yesterday I felt it was important to update him on how I am doing and what our plan was going forward.

As I mentioned in the previous post, we have discovered that my bipolar gets much worse around my period. When I told Jeffrey that I saw my therapist today and we realized why I was doing so bad last week, he let out a huge sigh of relief, smiled, and said "Thank goodness."  I asked him how he felt about the week and he said he had been kind of scared because of the few times Jeff and I were arguing. Of course I validated his feelings and apologized to him. Then told him how we were going to track the days to anticipate when this will happen again. I said that the next time Daddy goes out of town we will make all our food in advance so cooking doesn't stress me out and we don't end up eating McDonald's. I also said we had a plan for making sure I can get to sleep each night. I let him know this plan means things will be a lot better, maybe not perfect, but better.

Mommy & Jeffrey

I think it is VERY important that our kids know what is going on. Some may think that my son is too young to know much about my illness. However, our kids know something is wrong even when we don't tell them. We all remember it from when we were little. Those times when our parents thought we could not hear them fighting. Or when we knew tragedy had struck our family but no one would tell us what it was and we sat in our room scared and wondering. Our children are far more intelligent and intuitive than we give them credit for and if we are not honest with them, their imaginations will run wild. They will think of the worse case scenarios and be scared to death. And they won't tell us they are scared because they don't want to stress us out any more than we already are.

If we are honest with our kids they will feel more secure in life. They will know they can trust us and eventually they will learn that things like illness happen and you work through it together as a family. And when we mess up, we must apologize to them. No one is perfect and all of us parents will make mistakes. It is important that our kids know we value and respect them enough to apologize to them and this also helps them learn how to do the same in their own life.


Talking to Jeffrey made him feel much better and let him know things were not falling apart. It helped him make a bit of order out of an illness and life that sometimes seems chaotic and unpredictable.


Blessings,


Rev. Katie

Helping Kids Handle Emotions

People often ask me how my seven year old son handles my mental illness. We have always been open with our son about my illness. Because kids always feel responsible for what is going on at home, I felt it was very important that he know no matter how I am doing, he is not responsible for my mental state. He needs to know that when I am upset or sad, it is part of my illness and not a result of something he did. Jeffrey seems to understand this pretty well and has gotten used to the times when Mommy is anxious, mad, or sad. He doesn't usually talk about my illness and when I am having a hard time he knows some of the things we can do to help me. He is actually really great at helping me stay on my treatment plan. He is the best at making sure I don't eat any ice cream from the freezer! Today though I noticed that he really does see and understand more than he says.


When I picked him up from school he got in the car and said "Today was the worst day in my life. I feel bad today Mommy." I asked him what was wrong and he said "Not like that. I feel bad like you feel a lot of the time." He was clearly able to articulate that there is a difference between physically feeling bad and emotionally feeling bad. I could tell he was in a bad mood and sad so I asked him if he felt sad and angry. He said yes and he didn't want to go to soccer tonight because he felt so bad. So I told him when I feel that way it is always best to do something I like so he should go to soccer because after he gets there, he will like it. So he asked me "What else do you do to feel better Mommy." Then we thought up a plan together to put him in a better mood and get ready for soccer.

Jeffrey at soccer. Photo by Jeff Norris

One of the hard things about having mental illness and having kids is that when something like this happens, you worry your child might have your illness. However, we have to remember that our problems are not their problems. Worrying they may have an illness means we run the risk of giving them more problems than they really have and over analyzing them. Instead we need to remember they are just kids learning to navigate life. If something really is wrong it will show up at home and at school and if you are talking to their teachers, they will let you know.


So, don't panic when your kids are having a hard time. Use your knowledge of how to handle emotions and share that with your kids. Let them know that we will all feel sad or angry at times and there are things we can do to handle those emotions and not let them ruin our day. 


Blessings,


Rev. Katie

Book Review: "Sometimes My Mommy Gets Angry"

We have always wanted to make sure that our son understands my mental illness in a way that is appropriate for his age. In my opinion, it is not good for us to hide such things from our children because kids tend to think that things happening around them are their fault. I know even when we explain exactly what is going on and that an illness is not a child's fault, they will probably think it is sometimes. I want our son to know my mood changes are not due to anything he does and I want him to understand this illness as best he can so his internalization of what is happening can be kept to a minimum. However, I have found little resources for young children of parents with mental illness, especially bipolar disorder. So, I was very surprised when I was browsing the children's section of our local bookstore when we lived in Chicago (57 Street Books) and I found a book called Sometimes My Mommy Gets Angry by Bebe Moore Campbell.

In this picture book, Annie's happy mother makes her golden pancakes in the morning, but Annie thinks "I hope that she is still smiling when I come home. Sometimes my mommy doesn't smile at all." When Annie gets home that afternoon, her mother is angry, yells at Annie and Annie asks her to stop yelling but knows her mother can't stop. Annie calls her grandmother for help, and her grandmother reminds her that she can take care of herself, to which Annie says "It's not fair. Every time my mommy has problems, I have to take care of myself."

Annie and her grandmother go over Annie's care plan, such as staying in her room, eating from her secret stash of food, going to the neighbors house in case things get really bad, and remembering that Annie can find sunshine in her own mind even if everything around her is dark.

The book ends with Annie caring for herself, finding joy in the falling rain and sunshine in her mind, and waiting for the next time her mommy isn't angry.

Overall, I think the book explains bipolar disorder in a way that is understandable to children. I am not so thrilled with the "play teasing" that the children in the book do to one another, but I can over look that. One of the things I really like is that the grandmother validates Annie's feelings, such as telling her that it is ok to be angry, it is ok to be scared, and then they create a plan for how to deal with what is going on. One thing I am a little unsure about is that the grandmother says Annie's mother has not asked for help yet, and it implies if she did, she would get better, which is not entirely accurate. Many of us work very hard to get better and still struggle with our illness every day.

Clearly though, this book is very accurate and I can tell because it makes me cry every time I read it. It describes so much of what my son goes through and how he has had to care for himself when I have been very sick. This is not something I want for him, yet it is a reality of our lives.

What I want him to know is that I fight this illness every minute, every hour, every day and will keep fighting so that we can have the best life possible. I hope he knows how much I love him, even when I am angry, which is also mentioned in the book. I make sure I explain what is going on, take time away if I get angry, and let him know that it is my illness making me angry or sad, not him. I find I have kind of gone overboard in this regard as he gets annoyed that I tell him I love him so frequently. He says "I know you love me Mommy, you don't have to tell me all the time!"

Blessings,

Rev. Katie