"Why Is This Happening To Me?": Helping Kids Navigate Chronic Illness

Today my beautiful, smart, strong, and loving ten year old son asked me, with tears in his eyes, "Why can't I be normal? Why is this happening to me?"

Ever since he was a baby, my son has dealt with pretty severe stomach issues. When he was nursing, all I could eat for months at one point was baked chicken, rice, and broccoli. Then when he started on solid food, he was still always sick. At one point he was diagnosed with a fructose allergy, and we were told he could not eat fruit or anything with fructose in it. That seemed to get a bit better somehow, and we went for a time when his symptoms were mild, but then he ended up with a rectal prolapse which was super scary, but after some treatment, it resolved. He still went on and on with general stomach issues until we started eating a Paleo diet for my own health, and a lot of his issues improved, but not all. We were always more lenient with him because it was unclear what was wrong with his stomach and all allergy testing and other tests came back fine so doctors told us changing his diet could not make a difference.

However, changing his diet made a big difference, not only in improving many of his stomach issues but also other things, such as sensory processing disorder. That is another story for another post though.

Even with so many diet changes and improving, he still has episodes of stomach distress because we are still working on figuring out exactly what is triggering his symptoms. Actually, he was really doing well with barely any symptoms even on a 90% Paleo diet until three or four months ago when he got what we think was a stomach virus that just completely messed up the balance in his gut. He was vomiting on and off for four weeks. Now, if we stay strict Paleo plus removing some extra things, he does pretty well. But, there are still flare ups. It seems like we can not deviate from a very strict list of foods at all, which is hard. We travel often and we try to make sure when we eat out that the food is safe, but he still gets sick anyway.

Today, all he wanted to do was go to his CrossFit class, which he loves. But he was doubled over in pain. That's when he asked me, "Why can't I just be normal? Why is this happening to me?" All I could do was say, "I know how you feel."

I do know how he feels. I have had Irritable Bowl Syndrome my whole life and lactose intolerance (which got a bit better after my pregnancy actually,) and colitis more recently due to a bad setback with my binge eating disorder. Like him, all of the tests from doctors have been completely unhelpful and everything comes back negative for any allergies. I have lived in that place of not knowing why something is happening to me. I also have all of the mental illnesses on top of that, so I know what it's like to just want to be normal. Normal enough just to be able to function half way decently in the world, and not miss out on everything you love. Something "next to normal," as the musical says.

My son asked me "What if everything makes me sick? What if I can't eat anything except what you make, and I can't do that forever. What if I never get better? What if there are only three things I am not allergic to. What do we do then?" I told him we would do whatever we have to do. We will keep working hard with health professionals to find out what is wrong with his stomach, and if he has the most limiting diet ever, then we will do it.

My son, helping make almond milk since he can't have dairy.

I could have given him the pep-talk about how no one is normal and normal is just a setting on a washing machine. I do not think that would have helped though. Really what he was asking me was, "Why can't I just not be sick all the time?" and "What does this mean for the rest of my life?" At ten years old he is questioning if he will have to always be sick, and always put his life on hold for his illness.

So I was honest and told him I have no idea why bad stuff happens, but I do know that the most powerful thing we have is each other. We can be "not normal" together. I also let him know that if if there is anything I have learned from being wildly outside the norm and missing out on a ton of life due to my illnesses, it's this:

It sucks, it's hard, and it takes a ton of work. But... you learn to be a fighter even when you don't want to be and you think you can't go on, you learn to have compassion for others and their struggle in life, you become a more empathetic and loving person, you want to help other people suffer less, and you find hope even when you are convinced there isn't any. 

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

How I Discovered the Brain/Gut Connection

There is a news article going around from NPR called "Gut Bacteria Might Guide the Working of Our Minds." Quite a few people have contacted me about this article asking if I have seen it since they know I use diet rather than medication to manage my bipolar disorder. For me, the article is not new information. I heard about the brain/gut connection many years ago but it has not been widely accepted or talked about in main stream medicine so few people know about it. However, this information is saving my life so I wanted to let you know how I found out about it and give you some resources for your own research.

The NPR article only talks about gut bacteria and how they have found that the bacteria in our gut effects our brain. For instance, in one study with mice, they put the gut bacteria of non-anxious mice into mice with anxiety and the anxiety in those mice decreased. They then reversed it and gave non-anxious mice the gut bacteria of anxious mice and the non-anxious mice developed anxiety.

I first discovered at least a connection between what you eat and mental illness when I was a child. As early as I can remember, I would constantly overeat sugar in order to make myself feel better. I actually ate spoonfuls of sugar out of a 5lb. bag. Throughout my childhood I was anxious, scared, sad, manic, angry, and seeing things that were not there. Somehow I discovered when I ate large amounts of sugar, these things got better. Of course, at that age I had no idea what was really happening and I did not make the connection that eating large amounts of sugar only perpetuated the problem, making me more manic if I did not keep up with eating copious amounts of sugar daily. I first read about this and how sugar increases serotonin in the brain when I was in my 20's and found the book "Potatoes, Not Prozac." This started my journey of researching how food and gut bacteria effect the brain.

Brain food snack. Photo copyright Jeff Norris.

I think the hardest part about using dietary and lifestyle changes to manage an illness, any illness, is that most of the researchers never work together and they only focus on one part of the problem. For instance, "Potatoes, Not Prozac" does tell you to eliminate sugar but there is no research in there about gut bacteria and brain health. Basically, you need to do a lot of your own research and put together the information all of the scientists have discovered and find what works for you.

My next step was a psychiatrist who told me that cutting out sugar and increasing my daily amount of animal protein could help with my ADD and mania. He said he read a few papers on it but usually did not recommend it because medication was easier, "no one wants to change their diet," he said. As I did more research, it was not surprising to me that more animal protein helps with mania. There is a lot of research about using a ketogenic diet to manage epilepsy and the drugs used for epilepsy control bipolar disorder so it seems to make sense that for some reason a diet that helps epilepsy would also help bipolar disorder. But again, two fields of research working independently of each other and thus information is rarely shared.

Every time I implemented one of these dietary changes, I got better. After a few weeks of sugar withdrawal, not eating sugar made my depression better, but I was still angry all the time (mania). Increasing animal protein got rid of the anger. The biggest issue with any of this though, at least in my experience living in the midwest, is that few doctors, even if they have read the research, really ever use diet to treat mental illness so none of them can help guide you find out what works for you. I will write a full post on this issue, but this has been for me and the people I work with, the biggest reason it is so hard to stick with dietary and lifestyle choices, it is just not supported in our culture, especially by society in general. Try going to a dinner party and not eating dessert or drinking and you will find just how difficult it is to eat what is best for you. I also developed a binge eating disorder from the sugar addiction and then trying to follow Weight Watchers which got me to be militant about food rules. So for years I have gone back and forth with what I eat.

Then my husband, who has always had a iron stomach, got very sick. He could not keep any food in him and his immune system was shutting down. He had all the tests done and was told he had Irritable Bowl and there was nothing they could do for him. We could not imagine that his whole life would be like this and a friend told us to try cutting out gluten (wheat) even though my husband did not test positive for a wheat allergy. He got better right away and since I was eating the same as him, I noticed my moods evened out. From there I went back to researching the link between food and mood and then found the Paleo diet which cuts out all grains, dairy, sugar, and legumes and I felt even better.

Photo copyright Jeff Norris.

Through the Paleo community is where I found a wealth of information. Books explaining why I had Irritable Bowl since I was a child, as well as eczema and a whole host of other issues. There were many stories from people who said their moods improved on the Paleo diet and then I found all of the research on bacteria and gut health. It was amazing. All of these things completely made sense to me and just a week into a Paleo diet I start to feel remarkably better.

Over these many years, my eating disorder has gotten worse and today that is still the thing that makes it hard for me to stick to eating Paleo. Not only will people argue, shame, and pressure you not to eat this way, but any way of eating that seems to have a lot of rules can trigger your eating disorder if you have not worked through the eating disorder with a therapist. However, more people are writing about this and talking about how to ease into a Paleo diet and find the foods that work with your body and help you recover from an eating disorder. That might mean you eat some dairy or none at all. You might tolerate white rice, or not. However, no where have I found that people with mental illness do well eating wheat, sugar, or artificial sugars. Sugar and wheat easily allow detrimental bacteria to grow like wildfire in your gut.

I will not say this has been an easy path because it has not been for me. I will write more about the journey in future posts. Basically, I have been Paleo for over a year now and when I can be 100% Paleo, my moods even out within a week and I am very stable. It works better and faster than any medication I have ever tried, with none of the side effects. As I work through my eating disorder I am confident I will be able to stick to this better and better as time goes on.

I would like to link you to some resources that you might find helpful in doing your own research about the brain/gut and food/mood connections. These are just a few of the resources I have, but I think it is enough to get you started!

Blessings,
Rev. Katie

General Resources:
Blog: Evolutionary Psychology by Emily Deans, M.D. This is the place to go for all the real research and studies about food/mood and the brain/gut connection.  Seriously, fantastic. This is the place to start your research!

Blog: i bee free - Fantastic blog by Courtney who has been able to really stick with the Paleo diet with modifications that fit for her. From i bee free: "Under a doctor’s care for hypothyroidism, Courtney Rundell ended up in a mental hospital and was misdiagnosed bipolar. A year later, she was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, an autoimmune thyroid disease that causes both hyperthyroidism and hypothyroidism. Neither her psychiatrist or endocrinologist reconsidered her bipolar diagnosis...Improperly treated Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and Adrenal Fatigue were the cause of decades of suffering. After a lot of trial-and-error, she’s found the Paleo Autoimmune Protocol, minor supplementation, a regular sleeping schedule, yoga and meditation to be much more powerful than handfuls of pharmaceuticals."

Book:  Gut and Psychology Syndrome: Natural Treatment for Autism, Dyspraxia, A.D.D., Dyslexia, A.D.H.D., Depression, Schizophrenia. by Natasha Campbell-McBride, M.D.


Paleo Resources:
Website & Books : Balanced Bites by Diane Sanfilippo, BS, NC. Diane's website is a wealth of information but so are two of her books, Practical Paleo and The 21 Day Sugar Detox. She has information about the connection between food and your gut and all different illnesses.

Website:  Paleo Parents by Matt and Stacy. They have two cookbooks as well as chronicle living Paleo with kids. Stacy has lost over 100 pounds and talks about finding the diet that works best for you and loving your body as it is. This is a great resource for anyone with an eating disorder to start to learn how to eat even if you have health restrictions but not turn to eating disordered militant rules and body shaming.

Podcast: The Paleo View. Podcast featuring many Paleo experts covering all kinds of topics, including eating disorders, food and mood, and the brain/gut connection.

Website: The Paleo Mom by Sarah Ballantyne, Ph.D. Sarah is a wealth of information about using Paleo to heal autoimmune disorders and she explains the science behind the Paleo diet.

Website: Chris Kresser L.AC. Lots of science about the brain/gut connection.

Go-to Books about Paleo and all the science behind it:
The Paleo Solution by Robb Wolf. If you want a book with all the science but that is easy to understand, this book is for you.

The Paleo Diet by Loren Cordain, Ph.D. Considered the first book about Paleo that really got the movement started. There is a lot of science in this book and on his website with tons of published research papers.

Paleo and Eating Disorders Information:
Paleo and Eating Disorders from Paleo Diet Lifestyle by Sebastien Noel
Can the Paleo Diet Cure Bulimia? from Paleo Healing by Doron Dusheiko
Disordered Eating from Paleo Pepper.

Whole30 Wrap Up: Creating a Powerful Body, Mind, and Spirit

Today is the last day of my Whole30. Finally! After trying Whole30 at least 5 times, I actually finished it. Woo Hoo!! Here is my Whole30 Wrap Up:

Why Did I Do a Whole30?

• I have a terrible relationship with food and I needed to change that. Normally I am just worried about loosing weight, but all the other weight loss methods that worked for me just had me eating low fat, sugar-free, ice cream, and bread all day. I lost weight but still had a bad relationship with food, and then a few years later I gained the weight back.
• What I eat helps regulate my bipolar disorder better than medications do. I needed to figure out what was best for my treatment plan.
• I wanted to have choice in my life rather than letting my illness take control of me.
• I wanted to finally stick up for myself and to say that I am worth this amount of work.
• For my family. I wanted my son to learn what is healthy. Not see that you eat healthy to be a certain size, but you eat, sleep, recover, play, learn, and grow spiritually so you can be play hard, learn more, and be strong.

What Were The Hardest Things About Whole30?

• Meal planning. You need a TON of food prepared in order to eat Whole30 because you really can't eat out anywhere. (Or at least I could not because I did not want to risk it.) Sometimes we ate the same meal for breakfast lunch and dinner. 
• The "Sugar Dragon." I craved sugar, dreamed about sugar, and a few times overate dates or sweet potatoes.
• Binge eating healthy food! I didn't know that if I had no options, I really would overeat veggies and meat. 
• Taking food everywhere. Every meeting, every dinner party, every play date for our son, we brought our own food.
• I am not cured. I have had Irritable Bowel (IBS) my whole life and really thought if I just ate Whole30 it would go away. It got better but didn't go away completly. There must still be more I am sensitive too. Also, my bipolar is much better regulated but I don't have more than 3-4 days where I am really stable. 

Two of our favorite books. Photo by Jeff Norris.

What Were The Best Things About Whole30?

• While I am not cured of IBS or bipolar, they are both significantly better. And, I no longer fear cutting out foods in order to get even more healthy. I always thought "I don't have enough willpower to be better." Whole30 made me realize willpower is a myth. I can do it if I have a good support system, we are better prepared, and I know I am worth it. It was not until week 3 that I really realized I could do this. I think you just have to force yourself to do it for at least 3 weeks before you know you can do it. 
• Cooking with my husband. We used to drive each other nuts trying to cook in the same kitchen. But this time we both were working towards the same goal and it was great.
• My son learned about being healthy and is actually interested in it! He remained almost completely Whole30 compliant, and he wanted to do it. Gone are the previous days of him complaining that he can't have pizza, bread, dairy, sweets, candy, and "eat what everyone else eats." He likes to just eat healthy. He wants to be stronger, faster, and better in school. He started CrossFit kids in the last few weeks and is really loving the whole healthy lifestyle.
• We had fun doing this together as a family. We cooked new things, ruined some dishes that made our son laugh at us, went to visit the farm where our meat comes from, worked out together, and we became far more encouraging of each other not only with eating but work, school, and life.
• I learned that my eating disorder is perpetuated by eating bad food. It Starts With Food, the book about Whole 30, has a great chapter on the science behind the addictive nature of processed foods. 
• Supplements, sleep, and other things had been suggested to me by my doctor for my treatment but it was so hard to figure out what helped, what was causing problems, because I just had so much bad food in my body. I have a better idea of what supplements help, how much sleep I need, and that there are still a lot more lifestyle changes to go before my treatment plan is compete. Now doing the Whole30, I know I can do all of these things. 
• I proved to myself that I matter. I did not cave and put myself last just to make other people more comfortable. I did not doubt my intuition on how best to care for myself. I gave myself power that I thought I did not have before.

"Measurable" Results From the Whole30

•  Mental Illness: Less Ativan needed, bit better sleep (still working on this), more stable moods, times that would have set me over the edge were not as bad, on the path to recovery from binge eating, happier, sense of self worth.
• Physical: Better at CrossFit and better at sticking with working out, lost weight and inches (I went down two notches on my belt), skin clearing up, eczema not gone but better, IBS not as bad.
• Family: We became closer as a family, we support each other more, healthy living has almost defined us and what we think is important, even our dogs are on a better diet.
• Spiritual: Much better connection to the earth, animals, and farmers who bring us our food. More gratitude, less waste, more understanding of how to help others who are working on being healthy, easier to stick to our ethics, more connected with the Spirit of Love around us. 

What Is Next?

•  Sticking with a strict Paleo base following the Whole30 concept of not eating a ton of Paleofied foods, and not using any refined sugar, and only small amounts of honey or maple syrup. 
• Whole30 has a reintroduction plan, but instead I will be eliminating some more foods to see what still bothers my stomach and I never want to reintroduce wheat, sugar, processed foods, etc...
• More focus on sleep, timing of eating, exercise, and meditation.

Overall, the Whole30 experience was great. True, sometimes I wanted to pull my hair out, scream, yell, and quit. However, the power you gain from doing something like this is so great. You become stronger in body, mind, and spirit.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Some of our most used items this month: It Starts With Food, Practical Paleo, Well Fed, and recipe for Slow Cooker Italian Pork Roast.

Gratitude for the Food that Heals Me

Today we went to Fair View Meadow Farm to see where our meat comes from. A while ago, through our CrossFit gym we started buying grass-fed, pastured meat and eggs from the buying club with Fair View Meadow Farm. As we got more into the Paleo lifestyle and in order to support sustainable ethical eating, we then ordered a whole cow from the farm which means we do not have to buy meat from the grocery store which comes from who knows where, using inhumane farming, hormones, and excess fossil fuels for transportation. (Here is a great post about pork from Whole9 The Conscientious Omnivore: Pigs and Pork.) The meat tastes a ton better than meat from the grocery, it has no antibiotics and hormones in it, it is much leaner, and cheaper too.

We chose to start eating this way because the Paleo diet was recommended to me by my doctors to help treat my bipolar disorder, and as long as I stick to it, it really works. We have been really strict Paleo, doing a Whole30 starting January 1, 2013, and this has helped in many ways. I will expand on that in another post, but overall my mood has evened out, I have more energy, better cognitive function, and the ability to follow through on other treatment such as exercise. I have not needed as much Ativan, and that is the only medication I am on right now- taken maybe just a few times a week.

Nathan Joppeck from Fair View Meadow Farm offered to show us the farm and our son really liked the idea saying "I would like to see what a cow looks like when it is not in block form." (This is a Minecraft reference and also because he has never seen a cow except meat in a freezer.) I was glad he wanted to know where his food comes from. Since we have also ordered a whole pig, we went out to the farm to meet the group of pigs ours will come from, and see all the other animals.

Jeffrey, Katie, & Jeff with the cows.

They are a multi-species farm raising cows, chickens, sheep, and pigs. They also grow organic fruits and vegetables. The animals rotate feeding on different parts of the pasture so the earth is sustainable and the animals are humanely raised. No animal is penned up or shut in like in factory farming. Clearly I can't describe the specifics of all that they do, but basically the animals get to lead healthy and happy lives.

I thought when I went out there that I might have a hard time looking into the animals eyes knowing I would be eating one or more of them at some time.

Photo by Jeff Norris.

This is a hard thing for me, being a Unitarian Universalist and respecting the interdependent web of existence and eating animals. Many people in our faith insist that the only ethical way to eat is by being vegetarian, yet they do not realize that you can be an ethical meat eater and some of us actually have medical reasons why we need to eat meat. The proteins derived from soy or legumes are incomplete for someone like me and also soy and legumes bother my digestive tract and make me sick not only in body but in mind as well. As I saw these animals today, I felt a huge appreciation for them because they help save my life.

They allow me to treat my illness without tons of medication. They allow me to care for my family, remain healthy, and be someone who can contribute positively to the world. Without them my health is greatly compromised. Bipolar disorder and anxiety are serious illnesses and my treatment includes a specific diet of animal protein which is as free-range and organic possible. These animals literally heal me. Rather than feel guilty and bad about needing meat to treat my illness, I now have a great appreciation for the animals. I really see it as more of a spiritual connection that allows me to see them as the amazing beings that they truly are rather than just something from a store that I have no relationship to.

I was also glad that our son got to see just how much work the farmers have to do to bring food to our table. He learned the importance of these animals and how they help care for and heal us. He knows food does not come from a box.

In gratitude for all that sustains and heals us, we have added to our dinner prayer "We thank the earth and all of the farmers and animals which brought us this food."

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Healthy Living and Treatment

As many of you know, I have been attempting to follow a Paleo diet (grain-free, only meat, veggies, fruit, and nuts) to help treat my bipolar disorder. Some of you have asked how it is going since you are looking at various gluten and grain-free diets for your treatment as well. First of all, I have to say that the diet works great. I am much more stable and feel a lot better when I can stick to my healthy lifestyle of diet and exercise. However, I do have the added issue of a binge eating disorder which I think is what throws me off from being able to maintain my diet.

I really realized this past week that I have no control over my food. My husband has been home all week from work so I have not gone anywhere without him. As long as he is with me I don't stop at fast food restaurants or get gluten-free desserts from the grocery store. Today was the first day I went out by myself and I stopped at the grocery store. I was hungry, and even though I told myself I didn't need anything sugary and I could eat as soon as I got home, I bought a gluten-free dessert! It's like I need a 24 hour babysitter just to stick to my diet. I ate a few bites and then threw the rest out, which is better than what I would have done before, but still, I can't believe I am so addicted to sugar that I eat it when I know I should not.

I try to remember that this is all a learning process though. Each time I have a setback it teaches me something about who I am and what I need to do to be well. We have been eating Paleo all week and this morning was the first morning I woke up not exhausted and miserable, which means the diet and exercise works if I can just stick with it. I realized at the store today that I can't leave the house hungry and maybe I should just not be grocery shopping for a while, at least not by myself.

The last thing that became abundantly clear to me this week is that an essential part of being able to stick with a healthy lifestyle is having a good support system around you. This is why my husband and I have decided to do a Whole30 (a really strict Paleo plan for 30 days) with our CrossFit gym starting Jan. 1. The coaches at our gym are great and give us a lot of advice, motivation, and support so we will not be alone during the process. We are also starting a Healthy Living Group with the Carolyn L. Farrell Foundation for Brain Health where we will support each other in whatever healthy living choices each of us needs through meetings, online support, and motivational materials. (If you live in the Cleveland, Ohio area and want to join us, let me know and I will get the information to you when we get the time worked out.)

Graphic from Whole9

So, whatever your healthy living choices are, at the start of this new year, get your support system in place. If you are looking at a Paleo diet, I recommend Whole9 as everything is easy to understand, they have researched how food affects our mind, they have the Whole30 program, a great online forum, and their book: It Starts With Food.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

What Harm Could One Little Cup of Coffee Do?

I have been eating well for about a week and feeling much better. My moods are more even, and now that I am also exercising again I am much less depressed than I usually am. I was doing so well that yesterday I figured it could not hurt much if I went to the coffee shop and got one of those sweet mocha concoctions. Yes, that was stupid, irrational thinking on my part. Basically it was my eating disorder thinking for me. But at the time it seemed rational. I mean I had eaten Paleo all week, one drink would not hurt me, and I would not have another one for at least another week. (I do realize that sounds like an alcohol addiction and there is a lot of research about how sugar addiction and alcohol addiction are linked.)

An hour after finishing my milk-filled, caffeine-filled, sugar-filled drink, I was shaking, angry and easily irritated. My son would ask me a simple question and I felt like I wanted to scream at him. When I typed on the computer I was missing keys because my hands were so shaky sometimes. I ate some protein and vegetables to try and even things out, but I just got worse and ended up with a severe stomach ache and shaking that lasted well into the night. All from a darn Venti Mocha.

Photo by Katie Norris

Despite the research out there, there are still many people who do not think food affects our mood. I keep trying to convince myself of that as well, but every time I eat something that is not good for me, not only does my mental illness get worse but frequently by body become physically ill as well. I should have learned my lesson by now and not listen to people who tell me I can have sugar just once a day or a few times a week, or that I can eat junk food in moderation.

I think some of us are more sensitive to the foods we eat than others and we do not have the luxury of eating unhealthy foods "in moderation." I have been craving chocolate and sugar ever since that mocha drink and all I can think about is if I can get some sugary treat somewhere. For me, I can't do "moderation" because clearly foods trigger chemicals in my brain that just get out of control and it is too hard to try and make up for it later. For instance, one way to combat depression is to increase serotonin. Eating sugar does increase serotonin but in an unbalanced way which makes you feel better for a bit but then causes an even bigger dip in your levels later causing you to become more and more depressed. (Check out this article about sugar and mental illness: Scientist Shows Link Between Diet and Onset of Mental Illness.  There are many other research studies out there showing the same thing.) Instead, eating a balanced diet of protein, healthy fat, and carbohydrates from vegetables balances out your serotonin for a longer time period causing a more even mood.

I really encourage people to research what kind of diet might work for them in helping to treat their mental illness. I am not a doctor so I can't tell you what to eat. I can only go by my own research and what my doctors suggest for me, and I recommend you do the same.

My husband said today that if I had started a new medication last Friday and I was doing this well, he would say the medication was working. All I did last Friday was change my diet, exercise, and sleep and it is working as well as medication (for me) without the terrible side effects I would get from prescriptions. I would say that the biggest risk is that lifestyle changes are hard to stick to and I do go back and forth on them but I also believe that if we keep trying we will be able to find what works for us and stick with it, we just need a lot of help along the way.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Managing Bipolar Disorder Isn't Easy

If you remember, I was doing very well on my Paleo diet, exercising, and making sure I got adequate sleep. Well, I had a bad week, as happens every month, and I fell off the diet and everything went down hill from there. I have contemplated writing about this as it feels like such a failure for me and who wants to write about their failures? But then again, this is the reality of this illness. It is constantly up and down. Some people do well for years and have the illness come back, others, like me, do well for a few weeks only to have trouble again. I do have bipolar II, which is rapid cycling and I wonder if that is one of the reasons why I don't do well for longer stretches of time like some people with bipolar I do.

Anyway, even though I have not been doing well for the past few weeks, that doesn't mean I have not learned anything. I have learned that of all the things we have tried to help manage my illness, even medication, diet works the best. The problem is, I can't mess up on the diet at all, or I get worse. And a strict Paleo diet is very hard to stick with in our culture, at least it is for me.

I also learned that the week before my period will always be worse (you can read about how common this is here), even with the diet. It may be the one week where diet is not enough to keep me well. We have decided that I will try some medication for that week only and see if that can keep me on track with the diet instead of having everything fall apart. Then eventually, as I am better for a longer stretch of time and the diet just becomes a habit, I will see if I can stop using medication all together.

Photo by Jeff Norris

Part of the problem we fell into this time was that I was struggling because of my hormones, my husband was out of town, and my son got sick. We did not have food and all the things necessary already made and planned out for me to be able to handle everything myself. So, while we are still working out a system of making sure I am never without food I can eat, which is easily accessible when I am depressed, I might need some help during that one bad week.

I am sad, and a bit ashamed, that I could not keep up with the diet that was working so well. The problem is, when the illness gets bad, you don't see reality. I could not see that the diet was working. You think all kinds of things that are not true. Like you will never get better, you have always been miserable, and that no one loves you so who cares if you are sick. You believe it when other people say eating a little bit of something won't hurt you and you wonder why you can't be "normal" like everyone else. That's the illness, the irrational part of your brain will take over and unless you have a perfected system of management that changes with the cycle of your illness, you will have times when you get worse.

The important thing is that you learn what does work and you get back to doing it again. I am back on the Paleo diet now and can tell that just within a day I have started to feel much better. It is a long process to figure out a good system and it takes a lot of time to make sure we have enough of the right food around at all times. It is time consuming to figure out a schedule where I can eat at the right times, exercise the right amount, and sleep correctly. I am actually amazed at the amount of time, effort, and lifestyle change it takes just to stay well. I told my husband today that I wish we could be like normal couples who go out to dinner, eat what they want, have a few drinks, and stay out late with friends. That is just never going to happen for us.

My next tasks are first to find a way to make the diet, exercise, and sleep requirements just a part of my life. Second, I need to work on ways to stop the irrational thinking that happens when I get worse. I have a few ideas for that which I will be posting about soon.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Triggers

As I wrote the other week, it is getting easier for me to navigate my bipolar disorder through the daily ups and downs. I have found though that the triggers, like a specific event, are much harder to navigate. Those are the times when the bipolar just shows up without enough time to ease the impact.

Trigger: (noun) anything, as an act or an event, that serves as a stimulus and initiates or precipitates a series of reactions.

I have to say, it has been so interesting watching my brain on my new treatment plan. I can see the disorder so much more clearly and it has really given me a new understanding of just how much of an illness this is. I can't will it away, it is just something in my brain. I also have a new understanding of how much I can do to manage it though. I know that this takes hard work, with the lifestyle changes and such, but I feel like I have all these options now. Each day that the disorder sneaks up on me, with my new treatment, I am better able to figure out how to minimize the impact.

It is frustrating though to be doing so well and have a setback, even if it is just for a little while. It amazes me how vigilant I have to be to my program in order to keep things on track. My husband was saying my treatment is a three legged stool of diet, exercise, and sleep. If one leg goes out, you can balance on two, however, if any two of those legs get out of whack, things get much harder. For instance, I stayed up really late a few times this week and also did not have food that I could eat with me so I became very hungry which led to eating unhealthy food. Staying up late once or twice would have been fine if I had kept the other legs of the stool in place, but I didn't. However, now I know that if I just get back onto schedule, I will be feeling better right away. I have a lot more hope now than I used to and I know we will get the systems worked out so I can do even better.

Over the past month I have a new respect for my mental illness. I don't like it any better, but I understand it better. I understand it's power and I understand more how to work with it.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Making Lifestyle Changes: Paleo Tea Time

As you know, I have switched to eating a Paleo diet as a way to manage my bipolar disorder without medication. I am happy to report that it is working really well, better than medication has in the past, but I will write more about that later. Today I want to write about what it is like to make a drastic lifestyle change and how you do that in the real world.

I had a few family members over today for a visit to see our new house. Typically this would be a coffee and cookies kind of event, but we can't eat or drink any of that anymore. So, all we had in the house was tea and Paleo food. I almost went out and bought cookies for the family, but they said they didn't really need them. Instead, as you can see from the photo, we had Paleo Tea Time and everyone really liked it.

So, I have proof, you can have a nice time and not eat bad food. Who knew?

Paleo Tea Time with kale chips! Photo by Jeff Norris

Actually, you can have all different things about your life that don't match the "norm" and still have a great time. If you need to do something to treat your illness, then do it, you can find ways to be with friends and family and still take care of yourself. 

If you are changing your lifestyle and it doesn't match with what most of your friends and family do, I have a few suggestions:

1. Simply tell them what the change is, but not in too much detail. You may have people who argue with you about if your plan is "correct," but don't argue, just let them know this is what you and your doctor have decided on and leave it at that.

2. When entertaining in your own home, do what is comfortable for you. Have food you can eat (and be mindful of other people's allergies and dietary choices). Or end your dinner parties at a certain time if you have a sleep schedule to keep.

3. When you are at someone else's house, bring your own food or whatever you need. Take a walk outside if you get anxious, leave on time to get to bed. Do what you need to do without making it a big deal for everyone else.

Overall, if we lead by example, making what we do easy and non-intrusive, no one will think twice about it. You may have a few people who just feel the need to criticize whatever your decision is, just steer clear of them or limit interactions to shorter time periods. Mostly everyone else will get used to you choices and care more about you than whatever seems "weird" to them.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

I Did The Dishes

I did the dishes. I helped make breakfast and pack lunch for our son. I have kept up with going to the gym. I got work done early. I have been able to make good food choices. I panic less when I have a new task fall into my life.

None of these things may seem like a big deal to most people, but to me it is. Usually I can't really do most of those things. My husband takes care of my son in the mornings and doing the dishes seems like such a big task I start to panic. By the middle of this week though I have been able to do all of those things. It could be that I am manic (I do have an urge to stay up all night), but also I think the Paleo diet is helping.

While I can feel the start of mania, I actually know I will go to bed in a few minutes and not stay up all night. While I desperately wanted to go to McDonald's and get a chocolate shake to self medicate, I ate salmon and strawberries instead. While I struggled with a lot of irritability this evening, I came out of it pretty quickly and had a fun evening with my son and husband. It seems that I am a bit better at seeing reality and fighting off the bipolar symptoms that come at me. Even my son was impressed with how quickly I was able to get back to living life with them today.

Clearly, I don't think I can say the diet is a sure thing until I have been on it at least a year, (we all know from previous posts that I have had times where things are looking up only to fall apart again) but this week is promising. More promising than my first week on a new medication that can leave me so out of it I can't think, stops my creativity, ends my emotions, or makes me an anxious wreck. And I don't feel fake like I do on medication. I don't know how to describe it, but on most of my medications I got this feeling either that I was numb or that I was overly optimistic and oblivious.

We will see how this goes. Thankfully my husband and son have been working with me on all these dietary chages. I also have great support from my sister and brother-in-law so I have a really good support system in place to make this a success. As we all know, we can't do this alone.

Blessings.

Rev. Katie

Paleo / Whole30 Diet for Bipolar II

These past few weeks have been pretty bad with my husband traveling so much. So of course, I rarely slept, ate badly, and did not exercise enough. My medications don't really work anymore as I was getting very bad side effects from them, so we are back to the drawing board of how to take care of me. As you can assume, all of the emotional ups and downs and bad self care led to illness; I now have shingles (for those of us who had chicken pox, we all have shingles in our system and it can become active when your immune system is low), and some issue with my wrist that is pretty painful.

With the medications not working and my health getting worse, we have decided to take more action around my diet. We have known for a long time that a sugar-free, gluten-free diet has helped me, but I always have such a hard time sticking to it and I found ways around eating healthy. I would just eat tons of gluten-free substitutes and artificial sweetener and I still didn't feel well. Also, I get wrapped up into the whole "one piece of cake won't hurt you" mentality and it is all down hill from there.

Photo by Jeff Norris

In looking for a better diet for me we found that quite a few people with mood disorders have had success with a Paleo diet, and my doctor has mentioned trying it as well. In short a Paleo diet means you eat lean meats, vegetables, and some fruits and nuts. You also make an big effort to buy "happy meat" (grass-fed, pastured meat) and local as often as possible. We have decided to kick off the Paleo diet with a Whole30, which is an even more strict version of Paleo for 30 days that makes sure you cut out sugars, dairy, and soy even in things like the sauce on your meat. This way your body can really reset itself and be free of all the things that could be bothering your system. Then if you want you can add in some things like gluten-free substitutes or a bit more fruit and see how you react so you can create the perfect diet for your body.

I will be writing a few posts over the next week with more information about the research behind the link between sugar and bipolar disorder and other effects our diet can have on our mood. As one article in Everyday Health says "For people with bipolar disorder sugar and other simple carbohydrates may harm more than help. Carbohydrate cravings in bipolar patients are legendary, so much so that increased intake of sugary treats is considered a clue to bipolar disorder during diagnosis."

This may seem like a drastic step to some, or even ridiculous that food can affect your mood, but, the medicines don't work and I have to make the choice to either let my bipolar control my life or choose that I deserve a good life instead. Michael Ellsberg did the same thing with his decision to use a sugar, coffee, and alcohol free diet to treat his bipolar II. There is a 20% suicide rate for bipolar II disorder and I am choosing to save my life even if it means a strict diet that doesn't fit in with societal norms.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie