What International Travel Taught Me About Shame, Ableism, and Invisible Disabilities

I debated a lot with myself whether or not my son and I should join my husband on his work trip to Brazil. He has travelled out of the country a lot, but my son and I never have. My husband has always wanted us to go with him out of the country and Brazil seemed a bit more accessible than some of the other places he has travelled to.

The issues are: My panic disorder is terrible on planes (not due to a fear of crashing or anything like that), I also panic in taxis and on public transportation. Jet lag and sleep disturbance are a huge concern because inadequate sleep and changes in schedule easily trigger bipolar cycling. My son and I have very bad food allergies/sensitivities and have a very limited diet.

The idea of panicking on a plane for 20 hours both ways, being unable to actually go anywhere once we got to Brazil due to the panic in taxis and public places, triggering mania with poor sleep, and being sick due to food we can't eat was just too much for me. I had pretty much decided not to go on the trip- until I asked other people for advice.

Most people told me to go, which I expected, but the reasons why I should go and the inherent ableism in those reasons was shocking to me. What I was asking people for was advice on how to navigate what I would need to go on such a trip. Such as, how likely was it that I could travel to Brazil with food allergies and not get sick? How could you safely take enough anti-anxiety medication to fly for 24 hours? How do other people with these issues travel? Instead, people had all other kinds of reasons they thought I should go, not addressing at all what I was asking.

I was told to go because I needed to expose my son to other cultures so that he knows what diversity is. I was told that it would be good for all of us to know what a minority feels like in a country where they do not speak the language and can't communicate with others. People said that it would be irresponsible and show a lack of interest or care for other cultures and types of people to not travel internationally since I have this chance- as a person of privilege. And of course there were all the misconceptions about what panic disorder really is and all the suggestions to just get drunk on the flight or that it just won't be that bad. Plus, no one really understood the food issue- because obviously we could tell people what we can't eat and just order dishes that don't have any ingredients we are sensitive to. Or because really the food sensitivities are "not real" and we are just middle class, gluten-free, fad following, picky eaters.

So, I stocked up on anti-anxiety meds, found allergy cards in Portuguese for the foods we are allergic to, and we all went to Brazil. I told myself this trip was a privilege and big deal. I followed the advice of others who said it was irresponsible for me, as a white, middle class person to not travel to another country when given the opportunity to be exposed to more diversity.

On the beach in Recife, Brazil. Photo copyright Katie Norris, 2014.

We are now near the last few days of our trip and, seriously, this was one of the dumbest things I have ever done. And I did it because I felt so ashamed of my mental and physical illnesses because I was told by other people that they were, in a way, not real enough. Or that they were not bad enough for me to shirk my responsibility to embrace diversity, be a good parent, and learn about other people.

So, how was all this "advice" I received from other people ableist? Ableism is a form of discrimination, where people who appear able-bodied are shown preference. "Like other “-isms,” ableism can be insidious, and so closely woven in society that people without obvious physical or mental disabilities might not even think about their ableist attitudes and the ableist structure of their society. For example, people with use of their legs may not consider how difficult navigation can be in a wheelchair."

To tell me that I am almost required to go on a trip and that to not go on the trip is a form of social irresponsibility on my part, is pretty ableist. Obviously these people are not taking into account how difficult navigation of life can be with these disabilities. As I had explained to people, the issues about the trip were not at all about not wanting to go to another country or trying to avoid other cultures and people, it was because I feared I was not able enough to handle such a trip. And I was right. Actually, neither my son nor I were able to handle the trip and as a mother I feel my irresponsibility here was great. I basically let peer pressure convince me I had to take him on a trip where he would get physically sick. That was irresponsible. We have been completely unable to find food that is safe for us to eat, no matter how many people here translated for us or what we had written down in Portuguese to show to wait staff, restaurants, and hotels, or the few food items we could find in a grocery store. Plus, I have not slept more than four hours a night for over a week, so the bipolar is not doing so well right now. As a parent, doing something that triggers my illness is also irresponsible.

People with mental illness are often bullied or shamed into doing things they are not ready for through tactics like this. Through misunderstanding of the illness by well-meaning people who do not see the inherent ableism in the assumptions they are making about us. We have to be our own advocates and we have to know there is no shame in the illness we have or our limitations because of it.

I have learned a few things from this experience:

1. Do not let other people assess your ability. Even if they have similar issues to you. Like some people with panic disorder said it would be fine and to go anyway, but their disorder does not manifest the same as mine does so neither of us should have assumed my ability level and theirs were the same. Oh, and don't let your spouse or partner assess your ability either when you know their understanding of it is not accurate.
2. Do not let other people shame you into doing things you are unable to do through their use of arguments about social responsibility, bad parenting, or whatever other argument that is not actually about the issue at hand. 
3. Stop asking other people for advice and trust your own instinct. It is not shameful to know what your limits are at any given time and to honor where you are. 
4. If you do not do number three, then listen to your friends who tell you to trust your instinct. There were a few, and I regret not listening to their wise advice.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Book Review: Running with Nature

Running with Nature by Mariel Hemingway and Bobby Williams is, simply, a book that helps people live their best life. It's not a book specifically about mental illness, but a book about having a well rounded life.

Many of you know that I use many lifestyle initiatives in order it treat my bipolar disorder. I have researched what diet, sleep schedule, meditation techniques, exercise, etc... are effective in treating bipolar. While there is a lot of overlap in what works, I have also come to learn that exactly what works is different for each person. You really need to experiment and see what is your perfect treatment plan, knowing that it will need to change as you age and as life changes.

So, I have been looking for a book that speaks clearly and concisely about basic principles which create mental wellness while also giving room for discovering what works for you personally. Running with Nature (formerly The WillingWay), is just that book. This is one of those few books where you highlight and flag almost everything in the book and you read it over and over again so everything can sink in.

Each chapter talks about an essential element to living a well balanced and healthy life and achieving mental wellness. I will go through each chapter and highlight some of the main points.

Photo from Mariel Hemingway.com

Get Outside
This chapter is all about the benifits of being in nature which brings us closer to ourselves and the divine. One of the great suggestions in this chapter is a simple one: walk barefoot. We truly connect with nature when walking barefoot - it grounds us, and we feel the rejuvinating energy of the earth by walking upon it without rubber soles on our feet. Try it and I guarantee you will feel better in a few minutes.

Sleep Well
If you have read anything about treatment for mental illness, you will know that keeping a good sleep schedule is extremely important. This chapter explains why sleep is important and how to create an environment so you get the best sleep you can. They also talk about your natural circadian rhythm and how to honor it. Circadian rhythm is one of the things most disturbed by bipolar disorder so you have to get this on track. 

Breathe Consciously
This chapter explains the importance of breathing and also how to use breathing techniques for mental health such as alternate nostril breathing, which my therapist taught me. This technique helps balance the right and left hemispheres of the brain and helps you feel more balanced. This chapter is a great resource for quick ways to improve your mental state no matter where you are.

Live Silence
We rarely ever have silence in our technology laden, fast paced world, but without silence we can not tune into ourselves and get to know who we are. This chapter talks about different forms of meditation and their benefits. I am glad that they mention how during meditation deep emotions come up, so if you are experiencing depression, trauma, etc..., you should see a professional counselor to help you through the process. They also talk about the importance of prayer, which they define as asking our inner self, the Universe, and God (or what you find divine) for help. What I love about their prayer practice is that they say to always add at the end "For the highest good of all concerned in connection to the universe and the source of all that is." This means prayer is not about asking to get what you want, but asking for the greatest good of all. Another part of silence is turning off technology and they suggest turning it off for one day a week. This is something I want to try soon as I think it would help our whole family.

Eat Wholesome Food
An amazing chapter about how to eat good food, but not giving a prescription that everyone must eat the same way. They believe that each of us, if we pay attention to our body, can discover the right diet to maximize our wellness. I find this to be so true. While I know that the basics of a Paleo diet work best for me, there are things I need to modify for it to work best in treating my bipolar disorder. This chapter gave me the freedom to listen to myself and be my own expert. It covers such things as eating as local and organic as possible, the issues of pasteurized dairy, keeping an acid alkaline balance, healthy protein sources, gluten sensitivity, and the issue of sugar. Nothing in this chapter conflicts with what I have researched about a healthy diet for people with mental illness.

Drink Pure Water
Basically, pure water helps us in many ways by keeping us hydrated, clearing out toxins, and it gives you great skin. This chapter talks about how to actually make sure you are drinking pure water that will give you the most benefits for a healthy mind and body. I am glad they talk about the environmental impact of drinking bottled water and also some of the things you need to watch for in tap water.

Cleanse and Heal
I admit, I was a bit afraid of this chapter because there are so many detox and cleanse fads out there. Few of them are a good idea, most of them will set someone like me with an eating disorder up for increased disordered eating. Mariel addresses the issue of disordered eating and fasting, so thankfully this chapter explains the basics of cleansing and how to find what method is right for you. Too many "experts" recommend cleanses and fasting to people with eating disorders and that is a serious problem. There is a whole range of ideas from just eating mild foods for part of the day to give your body a break, to people who fast for a few hours a day. I also love that Mariel talks about the connection of food and mood, she says "I have a passion for making people aware of health, nutrition and lifestyle as it relates to mental well-being. When I eat unheathy food, I become mentally challenged and off-kilter." There is a lot in this chapter about mental wellness and food choices, it is a wealth of information.

Laugh and Play
One of the best chapters ever! As adults, we think we are not supposed to have fun and play, and we teach our kids that they need to play less and act more like adults. Mariel and Bobby quote Unitarian minster Rev. James Freeman Clark (shout out to my fellow Unitarian Universalists!) when he said: "The love of play and sport shows that amusement is evidently one of the original instincts of human nature." Having fun is essential to a well balanced life. Play games, find fun exercises, use a trampoline, laugh. Make a conscious effort to bring happiness into your life through laughter and play. This chapter has made such a difference in our lives, especially as a family. This has allowed us to focus more on finding time to have fun as a family, which also means I am participating in activities which combat the depressive side of my illness.

Adventure
This chapter talks about how adventure keeps us growing. This is also where they talk about the mental health benefits of exercise. Exercise helps combat depression and boosts cognitive ability. Keeping up with exercise means you need to pick something that is fun and adventurous, or challenging for you. Exercise is key to a good mental health treatment plan, I can not stress that enough. This chapter and the Laugh and Play chapter have really added to our lives. (Look for an upcoming post about Slacklining!)

Be Mindful in Your Relationships
Wow, a book about wellness that recognizes true wellness is not created in a vacuum! If you are in a partnership, you have to communicate well in order for both of you to maintain wellness. They talk about being honest with each other, having time together, and making time for yourself. They also talk about male and female energy, but not just that only men have male energy and women female. I acknowledge that not everyone feels there is male and female energy and so that part of the chapter may not speak to some people as much.

This is just a basic review'summary, and I don't feel it does the book justice! It has really changed the way our whole family lives, even to the point that my son told me today "Mommy, you need to get in touch with nature more" when he was asking me to play outside on this warm spring day.

Look for future blog posts that talk about the many ways in which we have implemented the principles of this book for better mental health by clicking on the Running with Nature tag/label on the right side of the blog. I am feeling so much better, with a more even mood and better ability to implement diet, exercise, sleep, and other lifestyle components after embracing the suggestions in Running with Nature.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Movie Review: Running From Crazy

Last night at the 2013 Cleveland International Film Festival, we saw Running From Crazy, which is a documentary about Mariel Hemingway's journey to understand her family's history of mental illness. Mariel is an actress, model, and the granddaughter of Ernest Hemingway. There are seven suicides in her family, including Ernest and Mariel's sister Margot.

Photo from Running From Crazy's FB Page

This is a very good movie for so many reasons. First, there is footage from when Mariel's sister Margot was creating a documentary about Ernest Hemingway. In the footage you can really see the family dynamics Mariel speaks of from her childhood. You also hear Margot talking about her struggles, which hit so close to home for those of us with mental illness.

Second, this movie is from the perspective of one of the healthier members of the family, Mariel, trying to live within a dysfunctional family, find her own peace and her own way out to break the cycle of mental illness and dysfunction. I think it is important to hear not only from the voices of those with mental illness but from their family members as well. Mariel is so candid about her emotions concerning different family members and how she is working towards greater understanding and compassion. What is beautiful about the movie is that she is not insulting to her family, but truly seeks to understand them better and talk about the times when she may have been unkind to her sisters. She truly talks about the whole family system rather than blaming and shaming anyone. This shows in incredible amount of insight and spiritual work on her part. And she is honest that she is still working on some of those issues. She is not perfect, just like none of us are perfect.

For me personally, as someone with mental illness, I identified with much of this movie not only from Mariel's point of view but also in some of the things her sister Margot spoke of and her pain. It was healing for me to watch this movie and know I am not alone in some of my life experiences. This is why I think sharing our stories is so important. We tend to think we are the only ones stuck in a situation that is scary and we don't understand, and this creates a lot of shame. We need to know there are others out there in similar situations also striving to change dynamics, become well for themselves, and live a happy and healthy life.

Mariel talked a bit about her lifestyle as well, which she sees as essential to wellness. Rarely in the community of mental illness do you hear people talking about anything other than medication as a way to recovery. This makes it very hard for those of us who feel a different way is a better fit for them. People seem to think that I am required to take medication and I am irresponsible if I do not. Then again others say I must not really have a mental illness if I don't take medication. This is not true. I just believe that we have the ability to know what our bodies and minds need to be well and for some of us that means we need medication as well as a healthy lifestyle and for others we do not need the medication.

Our home brewed mango kombucha (fermented tea).

I loved seeing Mariel on the trampoline, being active, and talking about drinking kombucha and eating local foods. These are things that Jeff and I do, yet most people think it is weird and a very restrictive life. Mariel was also walking across a slack line, which Jeff bought a while ago and has been wanting us to try. I guess I have to try it now! It is all about finding the diet that works for you which heals your body and mind, getting out in the sun and nature, sleeping well, exercising, having fun, and having a spiritual practice in your life.

One of the hardest things about sticking with this lifestyle is that it is difficult to do if you do not live in a community that supports it. Mariel and her partner Bobby Williams created The Willing Way in order to help support other people who want a healthy lifestyle. This is important in terms of general community support but also, I find it difficult to find healthy living supporters who also understand mental illness. Many of these groups are quite unsupportive of those of us who can't just make a decision one day and stick with it forever. We are seen as weak and selfish. I think Mariel could be a great voice for understanding and acceptance for those of us struggling with mental illness who want non-pharmacological ways to reach recovery.

I recommend seeing this movie to give real insight into mental illness from a whole family perspective. It shows the reality of mental illness, but it also the hope that exists as well.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Treatment Isn't Easy

Treatment for mental illness has been in the news quite a bit lately due to the Newtown, CT shooting and then a blog post that came out from a mother with a child with mental illness. There have been many responses from people with other children who have similar issues and the difficulties in getting treatment. Some say they can not get enough help, and then there is an issue brought up by one mother that we need to accept that medicaiton is a good option for kids.

I am glad we are having this conversation and I cannot say what treatments I think are the "right" ones. In reality, I think that treatment is different based on every person. And that is why I think it is important to speak to the fact that for most of us there is no easy solution to treatment.

I have had different mental health problems since I was 6 years old but did not start to receive treatment until I was 19. That means I have been at this treatment thing with psychyatrists and psychologists for 15 years. And clearly we know from my blog posts that I am not free from my illness. For many of us, treatment is just not that easy.

Photo by Jeff Norris

First there is the issue of medication. Many people think if all mentally ill people just received medication and kept up with taking it that we would all be free from our illness. You can see through many of my previous posts that medication has not worked for me and actually caused severe side effects. It is promoted by many doctors and the media that most side effects include things like weight gain, nausea, lack of libido, sleep disturbance, dry mouth, and other things that people say we can put up with in order to be free of our illness. First, unless you have experienced those side effects, you don't know that for many people they are pretty debilitating and life altering. Furthermore, most people don't tell you about those of us who have severe side effects like decreased cognitive functioning, organ failure, heart disease, and more. We can not present medicine in simplistic terms and assume it is safe and/or effective for everyone. There is always the argument from people who see better behavior in an individual on medicine and then get angry when the person goes off the medication. However, if the medicine were really working, we would keep taking it. Clearly it is not working well enough if we stop taking it. Either it is not controlling the irrational thinking enough so we think we don't need it, or the side effects are so bad that we stop taking it. Medication works for many people but we should not judge those for whom it does not work. And finding the right medication is hard. It may take 8-10 years at the minimum to find the right medications. We need to be understanding when the illness is not treated quickly and easily.

Second there is the issue of all the other lifestyle changes doctors suggest for treatment such as exercise, diet, sleep schedule, and meditation. Everyone I know, regardless of mental state, has a hard time keeping a balanced life at all times. For people with mental illness, it is especially hard to do so and we have less wiggle room for how much can get out of balance. In college, other people could barely sleep for a week and be just fine functioning. They would need a few days of extra sleep and could get right on back on track with life. For me, one night of bad sleep meant possibly weeks of worsening symptoms and I needed a lot of help to get back on track. Here again we need to be compassionate about treatment. If someone can not keep the perfect diet, keeps forgetting to take medication, has issues sleeping, etc... that does not mean they are not trying. The worst thing you can do for someone trying to make positive lifestyle choices is to argue that because they don't stick with it that they are failing and need to learn to make better choices, or that they just should not do it anymore because it is clearly not working. Our lives are worth fighting for.

Photo by Jeff Norris

Third, people also have co-occuring disorders so they may have many road blocks in their treatment plan. Such as for me diet is a huge help in my treatment but I also have a binge eating disorder which makes it very hard to stick with the right diet. If you have PTSD it can sneak up on you in times that you would not think have anything to do with a past traumatic event so watch out for that getting in the way. If you can find the link it is often something you can work through. What I really like about my therapist is that he looks at every "setback" as an opportunity to learn more about me and what we might need to work on in order to help me be healthy. That is different than the usual mentality that if you do not get better instantly you are not trying hard enough, make bad choices, and you won't ever get better.

Last, there is the inevitable "if this is an emergency dial 911" message on your doctors phone. Many doctors and other people think if you go to the psychiatric unit you will be cured, but that typically is just between a few days and a few weeks of treatment. It takes at least six weeks just to see if a medication has a chance of working for you. And there is little support for how to live life out of a treatment center. Honestly, most of us can't keep going back into the hospital and we need much more support in our every day life than most of our communities and insurance companies (if you are even lucky enough to have insurance) are willing to give us. You see a therapist and/or psychiatrist every day in a facility and then in regular life you might go to therapy once a week and see your psychiatrist once every six weeks. You have none of the outside stimulus, none of the people and situations that might contribute to your illness, and far less that can trigger you in a facility. Then you go back into the same life you had before and don't know how to manage. Going into treatment is beneficial to many people but the success rate could be even higher if we didn't just assume a few weeks in a hospital cured everyone and if we had better programming out of the hospital. Good care for a psych patient includes a plan after the hospital. A great start is if you have a loved one who is in a facility, to think about what changes you might need to make at home to help them keep up with treatment or how much assistance they might need with taking meds, eating, sleep, and exercising.

All this is to say, treatment is not simple and I don't know that we always have an understanding of how complicated it is. Some people ask me why I would write my blog if I am not "cured" or my illness is not under control. I write because my situation is much more common than we think it is. It can feel very lonely to look for resources on mental illness and often have it portrayed that there is a simple fix- if we would just take our meds and do what our doctors tell us. I wish it was not that hard. I wish there was a simple solution for everyone. Sometimes we have to just keep trying even if it does not work over, and over, and over again.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

What Harm Could One Little Cup of Coffee Do?

I have been eating well for about a week and feeling much better. My moods are more even, and now that I am also exercising again I am much less depressed than I usually am. I was doing so well that yesterday I figured it could not hurt much if I went to the coffee shop and got one of those sweet mocha concoctions. Yes, that was stupid, irrational thinking on my part. Basically it was my eating disorder thinking for me. But at the time it seemed rational. I mean I had eaten Paleo all week, one drink would not hurt me, and I would not have another one for at least another week. (I do realize that sounds like an alcohol addiction and there is a lot of research about how sugar addiction and alcohol addiction are linked.)

An hour after finishing my milk-filled, caffeine-filled, sugar-filled drink, I was shaking, angry and easily irritated. My son would ask me a simple question and I felt like I wanted to scream at him. When I typed on the computer I was missing keys because my hands were so shaky sometimes. I ate some protein and vegetables to try and even things out, but I just got worse and ended up with a severe stomach ache and shaking that lasted well into the night. All from a darn Venti Mocha.

Photo by Katie Norris

Despite the research out there, there are still many people who do not think food affects our mood. I keep trying to convince myself of that as well, but every time I eat something that is not good for me, not only does my mental illness get worse but frequently by body become physically ill as well. I should have learned my lesson by now and not listen to people who tell me I can have sugar just once a day or a few times a week, or that I can eat junk food in moderation.

I think some of us are more sensitive to the foods we eat than others and we do not have the luxury of eating unhealthy foods "in moderation." I have been craving chocolate and sugar ever since that mocha drink and all I can think about is if I can get some sugary treat somewhere. For me, I can't do "moderation" because clearly foods trigger chemicals in my brain that just get out of control and it is too hard to try and make up for it later. For instance, one way to combat depression is to increase serotonin. Eating sugar does increase serotonin but in an unbalanced way which makes you feel better for a bit but then causes an even bigger dip in your levels later causing you to become more and more depressed. (Check out this article about sugar and mental illness: Scientist Shows Link Between Diet and Onset of Mental Illness.  There are many other research studies out there showing the same thing.) Instead, eating a balanced diet of protein, healthy fat, and carbohydrates from vegetables balances out your serotonin for a longer time period causing a more even mood.

I really encourage people to research what kind of diet might work for them in helping to treat their mental illness. I am not a doctor so I can't tell you what to eat. I can only go by my own research and what my doctors suggest for me, and I recommend you do the same.

My husband said today that if I had started a new medication last Friday and I was doing this well, he would say the medication was working. All I did last Friday was change my diet, exercise, and sleep and it is working as well as medication (for me) without the terrible side effects I would get from prescriptions. I would say that the biggest risk is that lifestyle changes are hard to stick to and I do go back and forth on them but I also believe that if we keep trying we will be able to find what works for us and stick with it, we just need a lot of help along the way.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Managing Bipolar Disorder Isn't Easy

If you remember, I was doing very well on my Paleo diet, exercising, and making sure I got adequate sleep. Well, I had a bad week, as happens every month, and I fell off the diet and everything went down hill from there. I have contemplated writing about this as it feels like such a failure for me and who wants to write about their failures? But then again, this is the reality of this illness. It is constantly up and down. Some people do well for years and have the illness come back, others, like me, do well for a few weeks only to have trouble again. I do have bipolar II, which is rapid cycling and I wonder if that is one of the reasons why I don't do well for longer stretches of time like some people with bipolar I do.

Anyway, even though I have not been doing well for the past few weeks, that doesn't mean I have not learned anything. I have learned that of all the things we have tried to help manage my illness, even medication, diet works the best. The problem is, I can't mess up on the diet at all, or I get worse. And a strict Paleo diet is very hard to stick with in our culture, at least it is for me.

I also learned that the week before my period will always be worse (you can read about how common this is here), even with the diet. It may be the one week where diet is not enough to keep me well. We have decided that I will try some medication for that week only and see if that can keep me on track with the diet instead of having everything fall apart. Then eventually, as I am better for a longer stretch of time and the diet just becomes a habit, I will see if I can stop using medication all together.

Photo by Jeff Norris

Part of the problem we fell into this time was that I was struggling because of my hormones, my husband was out of town, and my son got sick. We did not have food and all the things necessary already made and planned out for me to be able to handle everything myself. So, while we are still working out a system of making sure I am never without food I can eat, which is easily accessible when I am depressed, I might need some help during that one bad week.

I am sad, and a bit ashamed, that I could not keep up with the diet that was working so well. The problem is, when the illness gets bad, you don't see reality. I could not see that the diet was working. You think all kinds of things that are not true. Like you will never get better, you have always been miserable, and that no one loves you so who cares if you are sick. You believe it when other people say eating a little bit of something won't hurt you and you wonder why you can't be "normal" like everyone else. That's the illness, the irrational part of your brain will take over and unless you have a perfected system of management that changes with the cycle of your illness, you will have times when you get worse.

The important thing is that you learn what does work and you get back to doing it again. I am back on the Paleo diet now and can tell that just within a day I have started to feel much better. It is a long process to figure out a good system and it takes a lot of time to make sure we have enough of the right food around at all times. It is time consuming to figure out a schedule where I can eat at the right times, exercise the right amount, and sleep correctly. I am actually amazed at the amount of time, effort, and lifestyle change it takes just to stay well. I told my husband today that I wish we could be like normal couples who go out to dinner, eat what they want, have a few drinks, and stay out late with friends. That is just never going to happen for us.

My next tasks are first to find a way to make the diet, exercise, and sleep requirements just a part of my life. Second, I need to work on ways to stop the irrational thinking that happens when I get worse. I have a few ideas for that which I will be posting about soon.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Triggers

As I wrote the other week, it is getting easier for me to navigate my bipolar disorder through the daily ups and downs. I have found though that the triggers, like a specific event, are much harder to navigate. Those are the times when the bipolar just shows up without enough time to ease the impact.

Trigger: (noun) anything, as an act or an event, that serves as a stimulus and initiates or precipitates a series of reactions.

I have to say, it has been so interesting watching my brain on my new treatment plan. I can see the disorder so much more clearly and it has really given me a new understanding of just how much of an illness this is. I can't will it away, it is just something in my brain. I also have a new understanding of how much I can do to manage it though. I know that this takes hard work, with the lifestyle changes and such, but I feel like I have all these options now. Each day that the disorder sneaks up on me, with my new treatment, I am better able to figure out how to minimize the impact.

It is frustrating though to be doing so well and have a setback, even if it is just for a little while. It amazes me how vigilant I have to be to my program in order to keep things on track. My husband was saying my treatment is a three legged stool of diet, exercise, and sleep. If one leg goes out, you can balance on two, however, if any two of those legs get out of whack, things get much harder. For instance, I stayed up really late a few times this week and also did not have food that I could eat with me so I became very hungry which led to eating unhealthy food. Staying up late once or twice would have been fine if I had kept the other legs of the stool in place, but I didn't. However, now I know that if I just get back onto schedule, I will be feeling better right away. I have a lot more hope now than I used to and I know we will get the systems worked out so I can do even better.

Over the past month I have a new respect for my mental illness. I don't like it any better, but I understand it better. I understand it's power and I understand more how to work with it.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie