5 Things Wrong With The Focus on Lewy Body Dementia as Robin Williams' "Reason" for Death By Suicide

I just saw this headline today: "Robin Williams driven to suicide by Lewy Body Dementia." I have so many issues with this and I wanted to share a few of the problems this headline brings up in our culture today.

Katie and her Mom working on an art project made to be accessible for the stage of Lewy Body Dementia Carol had at the time, in 2011. Copyright K. Norris. 

Many of you may know that my Mom has been living with Lewy Body Dementia for eight years now and I live with mental illness. I also work with people in both of these categories. What concerns me is that the reactions I have seen on social media from people upon reading this story about Robin Williams fall into these areas:

• "Now it makes sense."
• "If he was hallucinating he must not have been in his right mind and the suicide must be because of hallucinations."
• "Now I feel so bad for him, this must have been so difficult."
• "I would not want to live with dementia and hallucinations either, or the possibility of loosing physical ability. Now I understand the suicide."

These comments show many misguided ideas about suicide, mental illness, dementia, and disability, and I have outlined a few of these issues below:

1. A need to justify suicide. Our culture seems to have a need to justify suicide, to find other reasons for death by suicide rather than mental illness. Depression or another mental illness is "not enough" of a reason to die by suicide. Apparently, suicide is only justified if you are going to be physically or mentally incapacitated at some point. (Many people ignore the fact that many forms of mental illness render you physically and mentally incapacitated.) This is just a wrong way to look at suicide for many reasons, some of which I will mention below. Overall, death by suicide is usually an outcome of an illness, just like death from cancer is often an outcome of cancer. If we keep needing to find ways to justify suicide, then we have no compassion or understanding when suicide takes the lives of those we judge as not "sick enough" to die by suicide. 
2. Implying physical disability is so terrible no one would want to live while disabled. The reason people are so focused on Robin Williams having Lewy Body Dementia is that is dementia with Parkinsonism, meaning you loose functioning of your body as well as your mind. It is also a dementia that often comes with hallucinations. For some reason, our culture sees loss of physical ability as one of the worst things and assumes, of course, no one would want to live like that and death by suicide is justified. This is so wrong. Many people with physical disabilities would take great issue with this concept. By promoting this idea, we are essentially saying that people with physical disabilities have less worth and dignity and probably should not be here. Some of us may see significant loss of ability (mental and/or physical) as something we would not want to live with. That is a personal belief and a choice a person may have to make at one time. However, we can not promote the assumption that "obviously" anyone who is disabled "enough" would want an end to their life. For a good summary of the issues around this, please visit the site, Not Dead Yet. 
3. Claiming mental illness is not a "worthy enough" illness. I am so tired of people not understanding mental illness as a real illness and always needing to try and cover it up through another, more "worthy" illness. This is why people make the "Now I understand" comments about this story, because apparently mental illness is not a real illness with an understandable outcome of death by suicide. Robin Williams was struggling with mental illness and addiction his whole life. I wish we would have had more compassion for him during those dark times rather than only having compassion for him after death when it is revealed that he had a "worthy" illness, such as Lewy Body Dementia. Since my Mom lives with Lewy Body Dementia and I live with mental illness, I could not imagine saying that death by suicide due to her illness was more "worthy" and "acceptable" than due to my illness. Both illnesses are devastating and come with a risk of death by suicide. 

   

   Katie and her Mom, Christmas 1996. Copyright K. Norris
4. Implying that anyone with dementia would not want to live, which harms people currently living with dementia. Dementia is a complex illness which manifests differently in every person. When we talk about it in such a blanket way and promote misinformation about it, we perpetuate the idea that dementia is so horrible, no one would want to live with it. People live well with dementia for years. Some dementia progresses very slowly and it may be ten years until the person gets into late-stage dementia. Some people may want their life to end earlier than late stage dementia, and I can understand that. Other people may not want that. The point is, when we have these conversations, we need to acknowledge that this is personal choice and the choice of one person is not the spokesmodel for all people. When we frame dementia as a reason for death by suicide, we are sending a message to all people living with dementia that their life will be so bad, they might as well not be here. That is devastatingly sad. I know so many people living well with dementia and I hate that they will see dementia framed in this way.
5. Perpetuates shame of death by suicide. I feel terrible for those who have suicidal ideations or who have had suicide attempts that see this conversation about Robin Williams and dementia. What are we supposed to think about ourselves? That we need to be "sicker," or we need to suffer more in the world's eyes in order to have suicide be part of of our illness and part of our life story? We for sure know we can not talk about suicide for fear of being told that we are being selfish and that suicide is not real, unless you have an illness someone else deems "bad enough." Also, many people who need help, won't ask for it and won't get treatment because suicide is, again, cloaked in shame and the idea that anyone who dies by suicide is bad- unless they had some acceptable other illness.    

Katie and her Mom, Christmas 2013. Copyright K. Norris.

I live, every day, seeing the impact Lewy Body Dementia and mental illness have on people. I know death by suicide can be a result of both illnesses. I know that both my Mom and I have said "I want to die" due to our illnesses. I also know that it would be wrong for anyone to look at me and my Mom and say one of us had a "good reason" to die by suicide and the other did not. What we really need is more awareness of the different illnesses of the brain. We need to focus on quality of life, worth, and dignity. Mom and I both want the same thing, a life of meaning and purpose, with dignity and respect. We can work to make that a reality for people with all kinds of brain illnesses- even dementia and mental illness. We may or may not decrease the numbers of death by suicide, but we will decrease the shame around both of these illnesses and increase the likelihood of a better quality of life and more compassionate care for all.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

What International Travel Taught Me About Shame, Ableism, and Invisible Disabilities

I debated a lot with myself whether or not my son and I should join my husband on his work trip to Brazil. He has travelled out of the country a lot, but my son and I never have. My husband has always wanted us to go with him out of the country and Brazil seemed a bit more accessible than some of the other places he has travelled to.

The issues are: My panic disorder is terrible on planes (not due to a fear of crashing or anything like that), I also panic in taxis and on public transportation. Jet lag and sleep disturbance are a huge concern because inadequate sleep and changes in schedule easily trigger bipolar cycling. My son and I have very bad food allergies/sensitivities and have a very limited diet.

The idea of panicking on a plane for 20 hours both ways, being unable to actually go anywhere once we got to Brazil due to the panic in taxis and public places, triggering mania with poor sleep, and being sick due to food we can't eat was just too much for me. I had pretty much decided not to go on the trip- until I asked other people for advice.

Most people told me to go, which I expected, but the reasons why I should go and the inherent ableism in those reasons was shocking to me. What I was asking people for was advice on how to navigate what I would need to go on such a trip. Such as, how likely was it that I could travel to Brazil with food allergies and not get sick? How could you safely take enough anti-anxiety medication to fly for 24 hours? How do other people with these issues travel? Instead, people had all other kinds of reasons they thought I should go, not addressing at all what I was asking.

I was told to go because I needed to expose my son to other cultures so that he knows what diversity is. I was told that it would be good for all of us to know what a minority feels like in a country where they do not speak the language and can't communicate with others. People said that it would be irresponsible and show a lack of interest or care for other cultures and types of people to not travel internationally since I have this chance- as a person of privilege. And of course there were all the misconceptions about what panic disorder really is and all the suggestions to just get drunk on the flight or that it just won't be that bad. Plus, no one really understood the food issue- because obviously we could tell people what we can't eat and just order dishes that don't have any ingredients we are sensitive to. Or because really the food sensitivities are "not real" and we are just middle class, gluten-free, fad following, picky eaters.

So, I stocked up on anti-anxiety meds, found allergy cards in Portuguese for the foods we are allergic to, and we all went to Brazil. I told myself this trip was a privilege and big deal. I followed the advice of others who said it was irresponsible for me, as a white, middle class person to not travel to another country when given the opportunity to be exposed to more diversity.

On the beach in Recife, Brazil. Photo copyright Katie Norris, 2014.

We are now near the last few days of our trip and, seriously, this was one of the dumbest things I have ever done. And I did it because I felt so ashamed of my mental and physical illnesses because I was told by other people that they were, in a way, not real enough. Or that they were not bad enough for me to shirk my responsibility to embrace diversity, be a good parent, and learn about other people.

So, how was all this "advice" I received from other people ableist? Ableism is a form of discrimination, where people who appear able-bodied are shown preference. "Like other “-isms,” ableism can be insidious, and so closely woven in society that people without obvious physical or mental disabilities might not even think about their ableist attitudes and the ableist structure of their society. For example, people with use of their legs may not consider how difficult navigation can be in a wheelchair."

To tell me that I am almost required to go on a trip and that to not go on the trip is a form of social irresponsibility on my part, is pretty ableist. Obviously these people are not taking into account how difficult navigation of life can be with these disabilities. As I had explained to people, the issues about the trip were not at all about not wanting to go to another country or trying to avoid other cultures and people, it was because I feared I was not able enough to handle such a trip. And I was right. Actually, neither my son nor I were able to handle the trip and as a mother I feel my irresponsibility here was great. I basically let peer pressure convince me I had to take him on a trip where he would get physically sick. That was irresponsible. We have been completely unable to find food that is safe for us to eat, no matter how many people here translated for us or what we had written down in Portuguese to show to wait staff, restaurants, and hotels, or the few food items we could find in a grocery store. Plus, I have not slept more than four hours a night for over a week, so the bipolar is not doing so well right now. As a parent, doing something that triggers my illness is also irresponsible.

People with mental illness are often bullied or shamed into doing things they are not ready for through tactics like this. Through misunderstanding of the illness by well-meaning people who do not see the inherent ableism in the assumptions they are making about us. We have to be our own advocates and we have to know there is no shame in the illness we have or our limitations because of it.

I have learned a few things from this experience:

1. Do not let other people assess your ability. Even if they have similar issues to you. Like some people with panic disorder said it would be fine and to go anyway, but their disorder does not manifest the same as mine does so neither of us should have assumed my ability level and theirs were the same. Oh, and don't let your spouse or partner assess your ability either when you know their understanding of it is not accurate.
2. Do not let other people shame you into doing things you are unable to do through their use of arguments about social responsibility, bad parenting, or whatever other argument that is not actually about the issue at hand. 
3. Stop asking other people for advice and trust your own instinct. It is not shameful to know what your limits are at any given time and to honor where you are. 
4. If you do not do number three, then listen to your friends who tell you to trust your instinct. There were a few, and I regret not listening to their wise advice.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Stop Using the Phrase, "I Am Going to Kill Myself Now"

Like most people, I find those Autocorrect Fail posts hilarious. These posts show screen shots of people who's autocorrect turned a normal text into something highly embarrassing. However, I have noticed an interesting thing in many of these posts. When the texter notices the autocorrect fail, sometimes their next text is something like:

"I am going to jump off a bridge now."

Copyright Bipolar Spirit 2014.

"I am going to kill myself now."

Or check out this one where someone is "literally" going to kill themselves from getting a weird text from her mother, and then her mother tells her not to be "crazy."

I know that these are just people responding to extreme embarrassment and overall this is not a big deal. However, this does tell us something about the way we look at causes of death by suicide.

People who die by suicide do not die because they are embarrassed like what happens with an autocorrected text. It makes no sense that we even joke about killing ourselves when we are embarrassed.

Death by suicide is due to the deepest despair. It is the result of a brain that is broken and has convinced a person of any number of false realities such as: a loss of meaning and purpose in life, the belief that one is a terrible person, unworthy of love, and even your loved ones would be better off without you. Or the belief that you are inherently evil, worthless, or deserve to die. Even that is not a good enough description of it. There is no way to adequately describe such despair, or to know what exact ways in which any one person's brain has created a faulty reality for them. Mental illness manifests differently for every person.

We need to stop using phrases like "I am going to kill myself" so lightly. It's not a joke. It's not an appropriate way to express general embarrassment or incredulity at something. It's a misunderstanding and trivialization of a dangerous illness that is no joking matter.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

New York Daily News Crosses the Line with Robin Williams Cover

I know the New York Daily News is just a tabloid, so we can't expect much from it. However, even a tabloid paper should have a better sense of human decency and respect than to do this to anyone:

From NY Daily News Facebook Page.

For the love of all things holy, what is wrong with the people that work at this place?

If we ever wonder if stigma against people with mental illness is still alive, and if people are made fun of and shamed for death by suicide, this proves that both of those things are still true. 

I guess I should be less naive than to think that because people are inherently good (darn my Universalist theology), that they would not throw all of their morals and compassion out the door for money. Because, really, all this cover does is use sensationalism to sell more papers. 

I would love for the editor, owner, or someone in charge at the New York Daily News to explain how they ever thought this was an acceptable cover. It crosses the line from sensationalist journalism to irresponsible, heartless, and offensive. 

I not only hold the newspaper accountable for creating such a horrific cover, but also all the people who bought it. If a large group of our population was not just as heartless, then there would be no reason for the New York Daily News to create something like this.

I don't even know where to start with why this is so offensive. Viscerally most people would look at this and just know on a million different levels that this is wrong, but here are a few points to mention:

• He was not "hanged." If someone dies from a complication of their illness, you do not phrase it in this way. A person who died from cancer would not have been "tumored."
• The general public does not need to know details of how he died. Reports on death due to other illnesses rarely ever include descriptors of exactly what happened. This further stigmatizes mental illness. 
• The graphic description of his death is triggering for people who have been, or who are currently suicidal. 
• Why deliberately put his family and friends through even more anguish by printing something like this?
• What does where his wife slept have to do with this story? Clearly the paper was just trying to hurt her as well.
• The format looks like a wanted poster, further stigmatizing mental illness. 
• Creates a sense of shame around mental illness and death by suicide. 

It's just sad that we live in a culture where dozens of people (at least) saw this cover, approved it before it went to print, and they all thought, "Yes, that looks great. Not heartless at all. I can endorse this and still sleep well tonight." And then hundreds more people bought the darn thing! 

(For a better version of this cover, see this modified Daily News cover by Alan Scherstuhl.) 

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Mental Health Discussions: What Can a Minister Do?

Recently, the amazing Glennon Doyle Melton of Momastery posted this to her Facebook page:

"Dear All The People,

Please, if possible- this:

Before doling out advice about medication for the mentally ill, pause to ask yourself these quick questions: 1. Am I a doctor? 2. Am I the doctor of THIS person I'm talking to?

If the answers are yes- by all means - carry on! If not, shhhh.

Also just a gentle and loving reminder to the pastors and religious leaders. Pastors (along with druggies and drunks and depressives) are MY PEEPS. LOVE YOU. But listen - if you are a pastor, you don't actually count as a doctor. Pastor and doctor are, like, two totally different careers. Different colleges and such. So- maybe no medical advice, please. Out of gratitude- I promise not ask my doc for communion.

Jesus loves Me This I Know, For He Gave Me Lexapro.

Love,
G"

As always, she gets right to the point and has great humor. I think she is fantastic and her book is a good dose of inspiration, humor, and is a great read for a spiritual practice. I even wrote a blog post for her Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project. 

I totally agree with her. Ministers should not give out unsolicited medical advice about medication. From reading the comments, it seems like what most people with mental illness get from ministers, is the belief that mental illness is not a true illness and you can just pray it away. I don't agree with that. As a Unitarian Universalist minister, belief in evil spirits as a cause of illness, medical cures through only a belief in Jesus, and prayer as a sole medical intervention, are just not things that are part of my theology. We understand the body, mind, and spirit connection, and we value the combination of science and religion. 

On the opposite side of what it seems like Glennon and some of her readers with mental illness have experienced, I more often get ministers telling me I have to take medication. I have been told it is morally wrong not to take medication. I have also been told that if I don't take medication I must not really have a chemical imbalance, not a "real mental illness." As if treating it only with medication is the thing that proves you have mental illness. (You might want to tell my many psychiatrists who diagnosed me that information, because they might need to know they, apparently, should to go back to medical school.) 

While I agree with Glennon, I want to be clear that I do not think ministers are unable to give counsel about mental illness. I don't think that was what she was saying in her post at all anyway, but many of her readers took it that way. Medical advice would be what medicines to take, shock therapy or not, and such treatment that a psychiatrist would give. However, people contact me all the time about mental illness and treatment because I talk about my mental illness publicly. I always say that each individual needs their own treatment team. That could be just a therapist and Psychiatrist, or include also a minister, spiritual advisor, nutritionist, etc... 

I do believe mental illness, like all illnesses, has physical and spiritual components to it. Please read this blog post for more explanation of what I mean.

Rev. Katie Norris. Copyright.

I don't want ministers to get the idea that we can not tell our own stories if we have mental illness. I also don't want people to think that ministers have no place in a mental health treatment plan, because they can. We just need to know boundaries. 

As a minister, I can give counsel about ideas for spiritual practice that can support treatment. I can be a pastoral ear and listen to the pain that most people in the world are unwilling to listen to. I can help families communicate better. I can advocate for a better understanding of mental illness, and help churches create a stigma-free environment. I can be the minister to officiate a funeral and walk a family through a death by suicide. I also can be a part of a person's mental health team. Many doctors and therapists suggest spiritual practices, like meditation, as part of a treatment plan. Which means that it also should not be assumed that doctors know nothing about spirituality and can not advise to bring that into a treatment plan.    

I can also tell my own story, which is not giving medical advice, but does let other people know more about different treatment options. Just like Glennon writes about her medication, I can write about my spiritual practice, sleep schedule, diet, and exercise which all help treat my mental illness. There is sadly not enough information about the varieties of types of treatment and the many, many things a good treatment plan needs. That is why we need more people with mental illness sharing their story about what manages their illness. When I read that someone else uses a mood tracking app to help manage their bipolar disorder, I might want to ask my doctors if I should add this into my treatment plan. 

Everyone needs their own mental health team, of their choosing. Unless you are on that team and have been asked for advice, don't give it. If you are someone with mental illness, don't change your treatment plan on your own based on what someone outside of your team tells you or what you read on the internet. Make decisions with your mental health team. 

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

UPDATE: Here is Glennon's Facebook response the day after the post above. See how great she is?:

"Yesterday, there were folks upset with me for telling depressives to “take their goddamn meds.” I was pissed that they were pissed. But I slept on it. And when I woke up, I had a softer heart about all of that. My friend Nadia Bolz-Weber calls this a heart transplant: when your heart of stone gets ripped out and replaced with a softer, open one. I think if we are not having heart transplants daily, we are really missing out. So anyway- I understand. It’s all confusing and murky. I know that we all want the best for each other. I believe that even more strongly in the wake of all the passion this week.

I’ve got some mental illness issues and chronic Lyme disease, and so my relationship with meds/no meds is windy and twisty and hurty. I haven’t been on any meds for a year now. I’m grateful for that. I’m also grateful that I had the meds when I needed them- they felt like a lifeboat for me. I’m insanely grateful to know that they are available if and when I’m in desperate need for a lifeboat again. And I just want other drowning people to feel less shame for climbing in whatever life boat is available. The fact is that I don’t write about all of this because I love meds. I write about all of this because I love people. And I love the lifeboats that save them. But I don’t have any freaking clue what you should do. I just want you to be okay. I just don’t want any of us to drown.

It’s been a tough freaking week. Just a TOUGH one all around. I feel rubbed raw. Do you? When I turned on the news before bed and saw the Ferguson crisis I just thought: the whole world needs a lifeboat. I guess we do, and I guess that lifeboat is love and forgiveness and grace- in all of its million forms. I don’t want to put anything out into the world today except for love and forgiveness and grace. I really love this ragamuffin crew. You are my lifeboat, too. Thanks for floating and bumping along with me.

Love, G"

Mental Illness as a Spiritual Issue: A Reflection on Matt Walsh's post about Robin Williams

I read Matt Walsh's blog post "Robin Williams didn't die from a disease, he died from his own choice," and I wanted to hate it. Ok, well, I hated most of it. I vehemently disagree with most of what he wrote, and find parts of it far too shaming of people who die by suicide. In fact, I don't particularly like most of what he writes on his blog in general. We just don't line up politically, and that is fine.

I don't think arguing with him is the best course of action, but I do want my own readers to know where I stand on the basics of some of what Walsh said.

I disagree with Walsh where he says:
"First, suicide does not claim anyone against their will. No matter how depressed you are, you never have to make that choice. That choice. Whether you call depression a disease or not, please don’t make the mistake of saying that someone who commits suicide “died from depression.” No, he died from his choice. He died by his own hand. Depression will not appear on the autopsy report, because it can’t kill you on its own. It needs you to pull the trigger, take the pills, or hang the rope. To act like death by suicide is exactly analogous to death by malaria or heart failure is to steal hope from the suicidal person. We think we are comforting him, but in fact we are convincing him that he is powerless. We are giving him a way out, an excuse. Sometimes that’s all he needs — the last straw."

I think this is too simplistic a look at the disease of mental illness. I do believe mental illness is very much like cancer, and that the disease has the ability to take over our mind enough that we do not have a choice. Just like cancer can progress so far that no amount of radiation or treatment will save a person, the mind can be so compromised that people can no longer save themselves. I have seen people get at that threshold. The mind can break, just like any part of the body can.

Our mind is what controls everything. Our mind controls our ability to choose, and if the mind is ill enough, then it makes sense that such a choice may at some point become unavailable to us. From Williams' recent stay in rehab, we can tell that he was reaching out. He was trying to intervene with his illness early enough and trying not to get to that threshold where suicide would claim him against his will. We don't understand mental illness enough to know if a person is safe being left alone for five minutes, or not. We don't have a test to show how broken the brain is at any point, and if a person is at risk of death by suicide. Death by suicide is not an "excuse." Talking with compassion, rather than shame as Walsh's post does, about people who have died by suicide does not increase the incidence of it. Having a compassionate stance on death by suicide, just like we have with death from other illnesses, gets us talking about it. This allows people to know that it is safe to reach out before their mind has completely shut down so that they have more of a chance of recovery.

I could go into more details of the other parts of Walsh's post I disagree with, but I think this gives a basic overview: I fundamentally do see mental illness in the same way as other illnesses, and I take a hard, shame-free stance, when talking about death by suicide. (Here is a great post on how mental illness is not selfish.)

Rock balancing, spiritual practice taught to me by my therapist. Photo Copyright Katie Norris.

The one point Walsh brings up that I do think is worth taking a deeper look at is this:
"I can understand atheists who insist that depression must only be a disease of the brain, as they believe that our entire being is contained by, and comprised of, our physical bodies. But I don’t understand how theists, who acknowledge the existence of the soul, think they can draw some clear line of distinction between the body and the soul, and declare unequivocally that depression is rooted in one but not the other. This is a radically materialist view now shared by millions of spiritualist people."

First of all, I know a lot of atheists, and I have ministerial colleagues who are atheists, so I won't even argue how Walsh's definition of atheism that supposes atheists have nothing to do with spirituality is inaccurate. Theist or not, I do think there is a point here that mental illness is also a spiritual issue. I define the spiritual or divine as that which you feel is greater than yourself. For some people the spirit is a personal soul, for others it is God, for others it is the energy of the Universe that created us and holds us all together, and yet for others it is the connection between humans or even our own connection to our deep inner selves. All things are connected, and I would say that all disease is spiritual as well as physical. Most of the world's religions understand there is a connection between mind, body, and spirit. We need to treat all illnesses from a spiritual perspective, as well as a physical one, and that is why I think Walsh does bring up a good point about mental illness being a spiritual issue.

I love the line from the musical, Next to Normal, (about a woman, Diana, with bipolar disorder) where Diana sings "What if the cut, the burn, the break, was never in my brain, or in my blood, but in my soul?" This was referring to the fact that, while she had a lot of medical intervention, part of her illness was triggered by the death of her son, This was a spiritual loss, which her husband refused to address, and which was not a main part of her treatment.

www.owningpink.com

I do think that one of the things missing in mental health treatment is the spiritual aspect, and that is one reason why we have such low success rates for treatment.

I would encourage people to read Lissa Rankin, MD's book "Mind Over Medicine" for a great resource on the current research on how the mind, body, and spirit are connected. It is the perfect mix of how a medical and spiritual model can meld together. I love her "Whole Health Cairn," which depicts stones balancing on top of each other that show what you need for whole health. The stones are housed within a bubble of service, love, pleasure, and gratitude. Many of the "stones" we need to balance for whole health are spiritual, such as the biggest base stone being our "inner pilot light." Rankin says: "Your Inner Pilot Light is that ever-radiant, always-sparkly, 100% authentic, totally effervescent spark that lies at the core of you. Call it your essential self, your divine spark, your Christ consciousness, your Buddha nature, your higher self, your soul, your wise self, your intuition, or your inner healer. The minute sperm met egg, this part of you ignited, and it’s been glowing away ever since."

So yes, I see mental illness as a physical and spiritual issue, and in order to have a good treatment plan, one must work on the spiritual side as well. For each of us that is different. For some it will be a deep belief and connection to God or Jesus, for others of us it will be a focus on spending time in nature. I strongly believe though that all of us need to have a connection with our own inner pilot light in order to heal. You will notice this being important even in Walsh's post, where he says, in struggling with his own depression,: "When we are depressed, we have trouble seeing joy, or feeling it, or feeling worthy of it. I know that in my worst times, at my lowest points, it’s not that I don’t see the joy in creation, it’s just that I think myself too awful and sinful a man to share in it."

If we do not have a connection to our soul, our inner pilot light, our deepest selves, then yes we see ourselves as awful, sinful, or bad. I would say, we feel shameful, as Brene Brown, PhD defines shame as the belief of: "I am bad." In all the people I work with who have mental illness, this is the sticking point, the core belief, that few people seem to understand, and medications have a very hard time treating. I believe this is the extra work, the spiritual work, that we need to do in order to decrease the rates of death by suicide. I also believe this is why we can not talk about death by suicide as a "choice," "excuse," or "selfish." Such shaming talk reinforces the core belief that we are bad, which worsens mental illness. Plus, shame is the opposite of empathy, and as Dr. Brene Brown says, shame cannot survive empathy." So what we really need is an empathetic response to suicide, suicidality, and mental illness if we are ever to help people heal. That is the spiritual work we need to do as a community.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

P.S. If you or someone you know is suicidal, please reach out. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK. I have called, I know many like me who have called, and they help. 

Body Shame Triggers Mental Illness, Body Love Heals

I have a great TEDx talk to share with you all today: "Change Your World, Not Your Body," given by Jes Baker at TEXx Tucson. It is a fantastic talk about how embracing body love is not just good for us personally, but it can have a global positive social impact. One thing I love about the talk is that Jes addresses something that few people talk about in relation to body love- how our culture of body hatred contributes to mental illness.

Mental illness is a two part illness having both chemical and environmental factors that can cause, trigger, and/or exacerbate it. All of the body hatred we learn in our society contributes to the increasing rates of mental illness, and not just of eating disorders. Depression is hugely effected by the relationship we have with our bodies. If you are prone to depression, you do not need the body hatred messages that say you are not good enough, no one loves you because of what you look like, and you do not deserve to have relationships with other people. That increases the depression, loneliness, and isolation.

My cocktail of mental illnesses are highly tied in to my view of my body. In the beginning, I thought that I was depressed and unable to do anything because I was disgusting and lazy, because I was taught by our society that overweight people are lazy and unsuccessful. That contributed to me spending more time trying to loose weight, and less time actually finding the right professional help for my mental illness. My treatment was put on hold due to my body hatred. Jes talks about this in her TED talk, that "We put our life on hold, we stunt it, because of our bodies." This is a huge problem for everyone, but a serious problem for people with mental illness who forgo focusing on mental health treatment because we are taught that the real problem is just that we are fat or ugly. If we just lost the weight or got rid of our acne, we would be happy and successful. In fact, our whole beauty industry revolves around this message, that a happy and balanced life can be obtained by being beautiful.

My husband can tell you that when I have a "bad body" day, a day when I hate my body, my rapid cycling bipolar disorder cycles even faster. Body shame, which teaches us "I am bad, because of my body," is a very dysfunctional message to send to your mind. If we walk around in a state of shame, of believing we are bad, then we are reinforcing negative pathways in our brain. If we keep those pathways going, neuroplasticity says that we will make shameful beliefs about ourselves a pattern, and a reality for us.

If we believe we are bad, our mental health is harmed in many ways.

If we are bad, there is no hope for recovery. If we are bad, there is no hope for a better life. If we are bad, we have no choice and no agency in our lives. If we are bad, neuroplasticity is a lie, treatment is a lie, and we will be sick forever. If we are bad, we deserve to be punished, which leads to body harm for many of us, as it did for me.

Jes Baker and me at her Readers Dinner in San Francisco.

Body shame and hatred also significantly contribute to, or can cause anxiety. If we believe that our bodies are disgusting, need to be hidden, and we do not deserve to be in the world, we will become anxious. Some people become obsessive over choosing what to wear to leave the house in order to be sure that they encounter the least amount of name calling or shaming from others as possible. Many people live in a state of fear of physical violence when they are out in public, because of what they look like. People have been abused to do being thin, fat, for the color of their skin, their acne, rosacea, hair, clothes, and more.

I have a panic disorder that actually was triggered due to body shaming. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) and Lactose Intolerance. When I was just a child, six years old, people used to make fun of me for not being able to go out because I was sick. They mocked my lactose intolerance and said I was making it up. People were relentless in saying that what my body was doing was not real and that I was only trying to get attention. That is body shame of another kind- shaming someone for how their body works. Some professionals have told me that the way to "get over" my anxiety was to learn that no one will make fun of me and most people are genuinely nice. That is not really a world that we live in, when we have a culture that constantly makes fun of bodies that do not work "correctly." I have talked to many people with Celiac Disease who are constantly made fun of. I don't trust that people will be kind if I get sick in public, so I live every day, every moment when I am with others and often even when I am alone, deathly afraid of getting sick.

Embracing body love is essential to good mental health. Body love does not mean only accepting your weight, but everything about your body- how it ages, what it looks like, and how it works. Embracing body love and using that philosophy with the treatments my therapist provides, like Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), has been very important in the treatment of my mental illnesses and my ability to get well. Plus, I had to accept that my body works differently than most peoples in order to accept my mental illness. I also had to accept my body in my treatment plan, because I was very upset that medications kept making me sick and I could not take them. I was very upset that I had to change the way I ate, slept, and functioned every day because my body (which includes my mind), is "different." If I don't love my whole body the way it is, then I don't follow through on treatment and I get worse.

This is definitely something we need to be talking about more and we need to start changing our world.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

There Are No "Demons Inside"

Joan Raymond wrote an article for NBC News about how teens with mental illness often hide their illness. The article raises the issues of why teens hide their illness, such as how during the teen years, anyone who is "different" is often bullied. It discusses how mental illness is seen in society as scary or weird, and so teens feel unsafe talking about how they are doing. The article also talks about how hard it is to actually even get mental health care for teens. Overall, it's a decent article that raises important issues. (I disagree with putting in the parts about the school shootings, and a quote from a teen accused of plotting violence who self-diagnoses and says "I think I am just really mentally-ill." The research does not support violence being linked to mental illness, and I have written about that previously.) It's an article that is meant to raise awareness so that we can do something, help teens feel safe to speak about their illness and get them proper treatment.

However, the title negates the whole message:

"Demons Inside: Teens at Risk Can Hide Mental Illness"

What teen or parent of a teen with mental illness would ever read this article and feel safe talking about mental illness when the title equates mental illness with "demons inside?" The title is emblazoned across a photo of Kenny Baker and his parents. Kenny died by suicide at 19 years old due to depression and anxiety. I feel for his parents. How it must hurt to see a beautiful photo of them with their child, and have the words "Demons Inside" splashed across it.

Mental illness has nothing to do with demons or inherent evil. Using a title like this promotes stigma and fear- the very things the article was attempting to combat. This "demon" idea is an old, outdated belief that stems from fear, in a time when we had no medical and scientific understanding of the brain. We no longer live in the middle ages. And yet, many people still believe people with mental illness are inherently evil, have let the devil into their soul, or are possessed by demons. Consistently since I started this blog a few years ago, the number one search term that brings people to my blog is "bipolar caused by evil spirits." If you read the comments on the NBC article, you will see quite a few people who think that mental illness is caused by the devil. We can not be promoting those ideas.

I have had mental illness since I was six years old. I remember news stories about murders or violent crime and hearing the terms mental illness, demons, evil, and possession being used all the time as reasons for the violence. I knew something was wrong with my brain, and there was no way I was going to tell anyone. What kid wants to be told they are inherently evil? What child or teen would ever feel safe in that environment?

Equating mental illness with demons and inherent evil that you have no control over also gives children and teens the message that no matter what they do, they will always be evil. They will never get better. They have no future, no chance in life.

There are no words to describe the immense self-fear and loathing this message creates. To be taught that even if you try to be good and kind, you never can be. To be told that at some point, because you are evil or possessed, you will hurt other people. This means there is no hope for you. You have no worth, no dignity, and no soul. And if there is no hope for you, then seeking out treatment is not an option. It's a terrible life sentence, and I am extremely disappointed to see this message in 2014 promoted by NBC News because they chose to sensationalize the title to get more readers.

I emailed Joan Raymond about my concerns with the title, but have not heard anything back yet. Who knows if she or her editors chose the title. Whoever it was, they were being very irresponsible.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

My Days Are Shorter Than Yours

We are driving across the country for our move, and events like this are some of the times when I hate the limitations of my illness. I have a limited amount of time each day when I can be engaged and functional. Most people can drive for 6-8 hours and then have a night out of sightseeing and dinner. I however reach my breaking point much earlier than that, and just can't keep up a whole day of interaction.

I wish that I could spend all day with everyone and go out and do more interesting things. I want to force myself to do more, but at the same time I know if I overextend myself, I will eventually be unable to function at all.

I don't think most people understand living with a chronic illness, particularly one they can not see. Healthy people, understandably, don't know what it is like or what it means to have limited time and energy throughout the day. Basically, those of us with certain illnesses have a shortened day. While other people have 24 hours, we might have 8, 10, or even less. Can you imagine trying to fit in all you usually do in less than half the time?

What is even worse is that since other people don't understand such limitations, you come off as being selfish, not willing to do what other people want. But for me, going out to dinner or functioning past my limit is like expecting someone with a broken leg to run a 5K. It's not a choice to be unable to do something.

The Norris Family, somewhere at a rest stop in Nebraska.

I try every day to live my life in balance, to not do anything that will take away from my ability to function, but it's a circular issue. If I push myself one day and over do it, then I do not have the ability to do the things I need to stay more balanced and have more functional time during the day. For instance, one evening of going out will mean coming home overly exhausted, anxious, and possibly manic. In order to calm myself down from a state I can no longer control, I might eat a whole bunch of sugar to increase the serotonin in my brain. This leads to either not sleeping at all or not sleeping well, which means the next day I have even less energy and then I have to choose: "Do I use what little energy I have to go exercise, which is essential for balancing my mood?" or "Do I use what little energy I have to get my son fed and ready for school?" At that point it creates an ongoing deficit from which I can't recover unless I take a lot of time off to recuperate, at which point I don't even have the energy for the basic essentials in life. Seriously, tasks that are easy and quick for most people, such as getting out of bed and brushing their teeth, is extremely hard for me at times. Those tasks might take someone else a bit of energy and ten minutes of their day. For me it can take as much energy as running a few miles and an hour of my day.

So for me, decisions to go out and do more and have more fun are not actually decisions about myself only. I have to decide how much I can do so that I keep my illness managed well, which is what allows me to take care of other people. It allows me to get my son to school, feed the dogs, get my work done, be kind, be stable, and contribute to the world around me.

It is hard to be the one who is, essentially, the "party-pooper." I don't think the people I am with are required to change plans because of me, but I know many people feel forced to do so because they feel bad leaving me alone or they want everyone to stay together. However, I like to try and make sure my illness limits other people as little as possible. I usually always like to drive my own car so that if I can not stay out as long as everyone else, then I can go home. I get my own hotel room at retreats and on vacations because I don't want other people to have to limit what they do because of my needs.

Of course, the two people I am always with, my husband and son, are often the ones who are effected the most by my limited ability. Often things we really want to do together as a family, I don't do because even on the best planned days, something can go wrong and I end up having far less functional time than we anticipated. It's hard for them, but I always try and be honest that this is my illness and has nothing to do with them. I also show them how I am always learning how to manage my illness better, so that over time I have more functional time or I learn to estimate better so I can follow through on our plans more often.

I hate being unable to do what most other people can do. I hate it not because of how it makes me feel, but more because of how it makes other people feel. Which I know I am not responsible for, but it still bothers me.

It is very hard to have an illness that few people truly understand, which most people see as unreasonable, fake, or selfish because then you feel ashamed of taking care of  yourself. You feel bad for not being able to go out to dinner or going to an event because other people see it as selfish rather than understanding that it is just not healthy or safe for you to do.

I am fortunate to be traveling with family who understands that I can't function after a certain point. I wish the rest of the world was like that though because I know those of us with such illnesses would have a much easier time remaining stable and able to function to the best of our ability, if we were not shamed into doing more than we can handle.

I encourage other people like me to not take on the shame someone else tries to put onto you, no matter who they are. Stick to the choices that make you healthy and able to do as much as possible, for you. And, find friends and family who don't shame you and spend more time with them.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

P.S. A great post was written on this topic called "The Spoon Theory," which I think everyone should read.

Everyone Who Has Mental Illness Matters

I have been so conflicted over whether or not to write a post reflecting on the death of actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman due to a possible heroin overdose after 23 years of sobriety. He was a fantastic actor and his loss is felt by many people for how he touched their lives through his acting. Not very different from when Glee's Cory Monteith died last year also from a heroin overdose. Depending on your age, you may have felt a connection and deep sense of lose with the death of both of these actors. I have also written about other celebrities and mental illness such as the suicide of Lee Thomson Young.

When I write about these celebrities it is often to help raise awareness about mental illness. The stories of these celebrities remind us that mental illness is a very common illness but also one that we try to hide all the time. However, when we speak up, we help bring it to light. As more people can identify with those of us with mental illness, more compassion can be created, and the more people will want to help rather than make fun of or hide the illness.

For some reason though, even with how much I like Phillip Seymour Hoffman, I felt like I did not know what to say, until I read an article by actress Jamie Lee Curtis on the subject of Hoffman's death and addiction in general. In it she says: "What we rarely talk about are the deaths of the unknown soldiers and civilians, the non-famous. Their deaths, no less sad and tragic, their families' grief, any lesser."

I could write about another celebrity and have a call to action through compassion and better care for those of us with addiction and mental illness. However, I have done it so many times before. What makes the stories of the celebrities any more important than the many people who die daily of overdose and suicide? Furthermore, I feel a bit like I am almost exploiting the deaths of these celebrities by using their death as a way to call us to action. Would they want their death to be used in that way? I did not ask them. Am I using their celebrity status for an agenda rather than seeing them as just another human being who struggled to live well on this earth, just like all the rest of us?

The truth is, everyone who has mental illness matters. None of these celebrities are any different than the rest of us. Yet we keep writing these stories because it's sensational yet a few months later we forget and nothing changes. In the mean time, people with mental illness are dying every day and we never mention them and never write about them. In fact, we cover up the reason for their death. In the mean time about 58 million people in America are living with a mental disorder and we do not do much about it.

How about now we do something about it instead of only talking about it when a new story comes out?

Here are some suggestions of what we can do:

• Learn about mental illness and the effectiveness of different types of treatment.
• Read stories from people living with mental illness.
• Ask a friend or family member with mental illness how we can support them.
• Advocate for more advanced treatment options.
• Volunteer with an organization that helps people with mental illness. 

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Disney's "Frozen": Why Elsa Matters

I have a few posts planned in reflection on the new Disney movie, "Frozen." For this post though, I want to talk a bit about why I identify with the character of Elsa in "Frozen" and why characters like her matter.  (Note: while I do not tell you exactly what happens in the movie, there are spoilers and the ending will not be a surprise.) Simply, I like her because she shows how scary it is to be taught to fear yourself and be told you might hurt the people you love just by being who you are. This happens when you live through abuse and trauma in many different forms.

My son says Elsa is like me because: "She is scared of herself, that she might hurt someone she loves with her power. She has to learn to love and trust herself, and then she is ok."

Photo from Disney's blog.

For me, Elsa is an important character not just because she needs to learn to accept herself the way she is, but because the writers show through her just how devastating and terrifying it is to fear your own soul. There is no terror and sadness like that of thinking you are bad when you do not want to be. It leads to a type of self-sacrifice and shame that actually makes you unable to heal. On accident, Elsa's parents taught her to be afraid of herself and taught her that the only way to protect others was to sacrifice herself. They shut her off from the world and gave her the mantra "conceal, don't feel, don't let it show." She becomes filled with fear, never learns to have compassion for herself, never learns to control her power, and thus she never knows love and belonging. This is a trauma for Elsa that makes her use the only survival she has ever been taught, that of shutting herself away and attempting to shut off her own emotions. No one trusts that she can be safe and thus she never learns how to control her own emotions or use her gifts well.

This can be seen in the song, "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?":


Many people can relate to this archetype, especially people who have been physically or emotionally abused and were told they deserved the abuse because they were "bad." I am glad we finally have a character in mainstream media that shows how trauma can effect you and that bad behavior does not mean you are a bad person. (Which is why I also love Elphaba from Wicked.) My son says the most important line in the movie Frozen is in the song "Fixer Upper," which the trolls sing. They say: "People make bad choices if they're mad or scared or stressed." For some people if they are scared enough, even their ability to make a choice and control the fear is compromised. I feel like this scene from the movie best shows Elsa's fear and how much she wants to never hurt anyone. However, she was never allowed to learn to work with her gifts and abilities, so they remain largely uncontrolled. Elsa assumes she is out of control because she is bad, but really, no one ever gave her the tools to be in control. ("For the First Time in Forever, Reprise.")


Frozen seems to also illustrate Dr. Brene Brown's research on vulnerability, fear, and shame. Shame, the belief that "I am bad," is what destroys people because it takes away the things we most need in life: love, belonging, and connection. I see Anna and Elsa both, in the end, as saving themselves by learning the components of true love. I am going to challenge the typical definition of true love (selfless love for another person, often a romantic love) and say that I think true love is radical compassion. Compassion for others and for yourself. Anna's love came from learning to have compassion for someone that was struggling, even though they hurt you. Elsa's love came from learning compassion for herself, which I do not think was only due to Anna's act of true love in the end of the movie. Elsa started on the path of self compassion when she chose to "let it go" and be herself. She then needed the act of love (compassion) on Anna's part to round out that self compassion. She had to learn that she could be herself within a community of people, as long as that community was compassionate and did not vilify her. No one can live well and be healthy in a community that has no compassion for you. Anna's act of love taught the whole community to be loving and shame-free.

If you do not have compassion, you are unable to accept and truly love yourself or anyone else. Without compassion we engage in shaming and blaming ourselves and others, rather than seeing life as fluid and full of mistakes and success. Shame, blame, and fear keep us from healing. How could Elsa ever even think she could control her emotions if she believed she was inherently bad?

I find that in treatment for mental illness, compassion is frequently left out of the equation, and shame is the norm. No one ever learns to heal themselves and understand their mind when other people shame them and tell them they are a bad person.

Trauma is a main contributor to mental illness for most of us (and trauma looks different for every person.) We did whatever we had to do to survive, and sometimes those survival skills don't work well in the rest of our life, but they are the only skills we know and they are the only response our brains are programmed to go to. Compassionate treatment tells us that we are not bad and that our brains just have not learned yet how to survive in other ways now that the trauma is gone or now that we have some agency in how we interact with that trauma due to being an adult. Sadly, most treatment focuses on shaming us for our behavior rather than getting to the reasons behind the behavior and teaching us how to reprogram our brain from old survival responses to new, more healthy survival responses. Bad therapy and treatment is basically what Elsa's parents accidentally did to her. Good therapy and treatment looks more like the relationship between Elsa and Anna. Anna did not continue to shame and blame Elsa, but rather saw that Elsa was struggling and helped lead her to self compassion and better ways to survive.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Will 2014 Be the Year of Mental Illness Awareness?

Friends shared two article with me recently that call for mental illness awareness in 2014. This is exciting!

In First Up, Mental Illness. The Next Topic is Up To You, Nicholas Kristof says mental illness is the issue that needs more awareness and advocacy in 2014. Kristof states:

"So, if we want to tackle a broad range of social pathologies and inequalities, we as a society have to break taboos about mental health. There has been progress, and news organizations can help accelerate it. But too often our coverage just aggravates the stigma and thereby encourages more silence."

Kristof advocates for more truthful and comprehensive reporting about mental health, increasing proper care for mental illness, and talking about the realities of how prevalent mental illness is and that it is treatable and not to be feared.

Then in the article A Phrase to Renounce in 2014: "The Mentally Ill," Carey Goldberg eloquently lays out an argument for why we should no longer call people "the mentally ill" and how we need to use person first language. Saying "the mentally ill" implies that people with mental illness are separate than everyone else, other, which increases fear and misunderstanding. Goldberg notes something he learned from people with mental illness (peer specialists):

"Some newly minted peer specialists sat me down and re-educated me about the wrongness of using 'the mentally ill' and the rightness of using 'people first' language. A person is not defined by a diagnosis, they said. If you have a mental illness it doesn't define you any more than your heart disease defines you if you're a cardiac patient. A person is a person who happens to have depression or schizophrenia; the correct term is 'people with mental illness.'"

Both of these articles are well worth the read. I really do hope that mental illness advocacy is a focus of 2014. We have a long way to go until those of us with mental illness are not feared, victimized, hated, left untreated, and daily made fun of in our society.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Mental Health Awareness 2013: 4 Points to Consider

It's Mental Health Awareness week (Oct. 6 - 12, 2013), and it is sad to know of all the people who have died due to mental illness, such as actor Lee Thompson Young. His story, like all similar stories, is tragic. I noticed that his particular story brings to light many of the things people are not aware of with mental illness.

Here are 4 points I think we need to consider in raising awareness regarding mental illness and suicide. (Reading this article first will help you see why I am raising these points in connection with Young's story.):

1. Medication does not fix everything. It is a myth that medication fixes mental illness in everyone. Young was on medication for bipolar and it was even found in his blood that he was actually taking it. Medication works great in some people, helps a little for others, may not help at all in some, and for others it actually makes them worse. We need to be aware and look at all aspects of a person's life if we are to help people treat their mental illness. We can't just put people on med's and think they will be fine. In fact, almost all of these medications have warnings on them that they can all cause suicidal thoughts and actions.
2. Being religious is not an illness. In the article about Young's death, it states that the coroner had made a point to report that Young had an altar in his house, implying that his religion had something to do with his mental illness. Then other news outlets have been saying his faith caused his depression, almost insinuating that the religion was cult-like. It is not weird to have an altar in your house. If someone had a wall of crosses in their house (many Christian's do), no one would even think to say this had anything to do with their illness. Can I also say that there is clearly a race and culture issue here as well? The only time religion should be considered a factor in mental illness is if the person was treated badly, shamed, or bullied in their faith due to their illness or any other reason. This could happen in any faith. There is not reason to think that Young's faith was a result of mental illness or a cause of it. When I first went into ministry and people found out I was bipolar, I often was asked "Are you sure you are not just experiencing hyper-religiosity? You know that's a symptom of bipolar."
3. Not all people with mental illness look "unstable." A lot of this article focuses on how Young never exhibited symptoms of illness. He was stable, he had a stable family, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. What people don't realize is that mental illness is ordinary. We live and work in your communities. It is an invisible disability and we should not be so shocked to find out someone who seemed "normal" has a mental illness. Mental illness does not always mean visible instability. Also, those of us with mental illness know we are not allowed to have a voice because of the stigma around our illness, and so we often hide our illness.
4. Believing "If only we knew, if only we paid more attention" does not always stop a suicide. No matter how hard we try, we can not stop death due to any illness 100%. There is no benefit in engaging in collective or individual guilt over a suicide. Young's story shows that we may never be able to adequately see the severity of a person's illness. True, we always need to do the best we can to help keep people safe, within the confines of the actual knowledge we have. In some cases though, there really are no visible signs, at least not ones that most people would recognize, before a suicide. In fact, many people seem to have a decrease of symptoms of their illness a few days or weeks before a suicide. Young saw his doctor on August 14 and he appeared fine. He died by suicide just days later on August 19, 2013. I recommend taking a Mental Health First Aid class in order to know how to properly asses a potential suicide, to the best of your ability, knowing that we can't predict everything.  

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Miley Cyrus Shames Sinead O'Connor for Having Mental Illness

This is the first of two posts on the Miley and Sinead issue. Please see my other post here. (Basically, I think both of them did things that were not all that helpful.)

Some of you may be following the Miley Cyrus/Sinead O/Connor debacle. Basically due to concern over Miley's recent performance on the Video Music Awards, her Wrecking Ball video, and then Miley saying that she was inspired by Sinead's work, Sinead wrote an open letter to Miley. Sinead voiced her concern that Miley was allowing the music industry to exploit her. Miley replied immediately by shaming Sinead for having mental illness.

First of all, I can't even believe I wrote the paragraph above. I feel like I am in high school with a bunch of petty girls who don't know how to communicate directly with each other.

Second, I believe both Sinead and Miely behaved poorly in this encounter. Indirect communication almost always ends in fighting and slander. I do understand the greater purpose in open letters and possibly why Sinead made that choice. Open letters are not only for the person you are writing to, but they are a social commentary, written to bring larger issues to light to society. Sinead's letter was not really just a message for Miley, but for the music industry as well and to raise awareness in our society about the industry and how it exploits people. I think it was also a message to young women who might idolize Miley and want to act like her.

Copyright: Katie Norris

 Miley's response to Sinead's letter was to post old tweets from Sinead when she was in the middle of a mental health crisis, asking for help. Miley tweets these by first shaming Amanda Bynes by tweeting "Before Amanda Bynes...There was..." and then posting the old tweets from Sinead about needing mental health care. (Amanda Bynes was recently in the psychiatric hospital.)

This whole thing is a great example of why every person with mental illness knows it is not safe to tell our story and it is not safe to ask for help when we need it. In her last tweet Sinead says "I realize I will be in trouble for saying this but...Ireland is a VERY hard place to find help in. So having tried other ways first, I'm asking."

She was right. She did get in trouble for asking for help and being proactive about her treatment. Two years later it is being used against her.

While I am not thrilled with the indirect communication between these two women and the vitrol with which both of them communicate, I do think that this whole ordeal brings up a few of the issues people with mental illness struggle with.

First is that we are not free to ask for help or tell our story because other people will not only judge us negativly in our time of need, but also for the rest of our lives.

Second it shows how if you talk about your mental illness, few people ever take your seriously again and they will use your illness against you if they have a disagreement with you.

Third it points out just how hard it is for people with mental illness to find work. Sinead came out with another open letter to Miley stating: "If you cannot apologize I will have no choice but to bring legal precedings against you since it is extremely hard to be given work when people think one is suffering from mental illness."

Fourth, Sinead's statement quoted above shows a deeper issue in society. We tend to promote a myth that mental illness goes away, that you recover from it and it never effects you again. We like this myth because it is convenient for society to think it's an illness that can be cured. For those of us living with it we play into the myth as well because we know society cannot handle the reality that mental illness is a chronic illness so we cover up the fact that we live with it every day. For some people yes, the illness is something they completely recover from, but this is rare. In order for people to hire you, listen to you, even think you deserve a family or a life at all, you have to pretend like you are fine most of the time. I find it sad that even those of us living with mental illness have to pretend like we don't have it because society does not understand that even in the midst of pretty severe illness we can work and be reliable.

I think this whole Cyrus vs. O'Connor thing has gotten way out of hand. They are just both shaming each other back and forth. When we use shame tactics to "teach" others, it never works out well. Shame destroys people and I think we can see how this is happening to both of these women.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

If you cannot apologize I will have no choice but to bring legal proceedings against you since it is extremely hard to be given work when people think one is suffering from mental illness. - See more at: http://perezhilton.com/2013-10-04-miley-cyrus-third-open-letter-from-sinead-oconnor-facebook-feud#sthash.Wxj4Id8H.dpuf

If you cannot apologize I will have no choice but to bring legal proceedings against you since it is extremely hard to be given work when people think one is suffering from mental illness. - See more at: http://perezhilton.com/2013-10-04-miley-cyrus-third-open-letter-from-sinead-oconnor-facebook-feud#sthash.Wxj4Id8H.dpuf

If you cannot apologize I will have no choice but to bring legal proceedings against you since it is extremely hard to be given work when people think one is suffering from mental illness. - See more at: http://perezhilton.com/2013-10-04-miley-cyrus-third-open-letter-from-sinead-oconnor-facebook-feud#sthash.Wxj4Id8H.dpuf

Another Shooting, Another Discussion of Mental Illness

After the shooting at the Navy Yard this week, of course the media turns to mental illness as a cause. Unlike many of the other recent shootings, there is documentation that the shooter, Aaron Alexis, probably had some form of mental illness. He did report hearing voices and other paranoid beliefs weeks prior to this event. However, for me, the key is not that there was documented possible mental illness (he had never been officially diagnosed) but that he also had documented past gun offenses and more importantly, he received poor mental health care. (I wonder why a person with previous gun offenses even had a gun, and those offenses apparently occurred before he ever reported experiencing paranoia or any mental health issues.) It is not the mental illness alone that causes an event like this, it is a combination of factors.

Apparently Alexis had spoken to police weeks before about hearing voices through the walls and the police reported it to the Navy and nothing was done. Then Alexis went to the Veterans Affairs ER twice for insomnia but did not mention the paranoia, and he was given sleeping pills. To give sleeping pills to someone with possible mental illness is just wrong. Clearly there is something wrong in the system that Alexis was given those pills, on two separate occasions, even though police had reported that he was experiencing paranoia. Some sleeping pills can increase risks of suicide and depression. Many medications can interact with mental illness negatively, such as how antidepressants trigger manic episodes in people with bipolar disorder. You have to correctly diagnose the mental illness before you start perscribing medications. To me it seems that previous issues with violence and gun offences combined with poor regulation of medicine is more of a possible cause of this shooting than just blamining it on mental illness alone.

When we just look at mental illness in general as a cause, we promote the idea that all people with mental illness are as much of a risk to society as Alexis was on that day. We assume if we never let anyone with a mental illness have a gun, there will be no more shootings. This is not true, especially since most shootings are not committed by people with mental illness. There are many factors which go into creating the perfect storm that lead to an event like this, and possible mental illness is one factor for this particular situation. However, I know many people who hear voices, think they are being followed, and have paranoia who are not violent, have never used a gun, and have never committed a crime.

I think we also need to look at the fact that the stigma against mental illness is terrible in our society, but especially bad in the military. This means most people do not even seek treatment for mental illness. We know that people in the military are not able to ask for help with mental health issues for fear of loosing their job, even for very mild mental health issues. Maybe Alexis could have gotten help earlier if he would have felt safe enough to get mental health care much earlier when mild symptoms probably presented themselves months ago, if not years ago. 

I just wish we would look at each of these cases individually and not lump violence and mental illness into a category together which stigmatizes all people with mental illness. We need to look at each person individually.

Clearly we need better mental health care, not only because of events like this where poor mental health care is very likely to be a factor, but also for the 1 in 4 Americans with mental illness who need better care- and most of them are not violent. The need for better mental health care is not because of violence, it is because people with mental illness deserve good care and a chance at the best life possible.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Stigma Alert: NBC Nightly News: Ariel Castro, "The Face of Mental Illness."

If you live in Cleveland, Ohio like I do, you know the story of kidnapper Ariel Castro who held three women captive in his home for 11 years. It is a tragic story that has effected our community greatly. I would never justify what he did, and I will not argue that he does not have some form of mental illness. It is possible that he does. However, I do not agree with NBC reporter Brian Williams (or whoever his text writer is) saying that Ariel Castro is "the face of mental illness."


Again, this is just the media promoting stigma against people with mental illness. We can not say that the few people with mental illness who are violent represent mental illness as a whole. In previous posts I have written about the facts of violence and mental illness, namely incidents of violent crimes are low in people with mental illness and we are more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators. 

I don't understand why the news media can not report these stories without throwing everyone with mental illness under a bus. If he has been diagnosed with a mental illness and part of his illness led to criminal activity, you can report that. You do not speculate as to possible mental illness and you do not generalize that mental illness means a person is violent.

Is it any wonder that people with mental illness have to hide who they are even to the point of not seeking treatment? Everyone is afraid of us because of media hype like this and that means we are at serious risk for physical and emotional violence against us if we ever speak up. 

Ariel Castro is not "the face of mental illness." He is the face of his possible illness and his crimes.

The real faces of mental illness are the faces of many amazing people who contribute beautiful things to this world. 

Want to do something about this now? SIGN THIS PETITION to NBC asking for an apology.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

P.S. For another blog post on this subject, visit Pete Earley's blog where he shows how Brian Williams violated the Style Book of the Associated Press which states how reporters should talk about mental illness.

Recovering from Mental Illness by Combatting Shame

I have had many good therapists since I was 19 years old but recently one noticed that I had a lot of trauma and abuse which was not being addressed properly. She referred me to another therapist who specializes in this and I have been seeing him for ten months. He is really the first therapist who has been able to help me actually start to recover from my bipolar disorder rather than just manage it. How did he do this? He requires me to have compassion for myself. (Which is probably advice now I have shared with many of you personally.)

Why does this work? Because it combats shame. In trauma and abuse, shame is what devastates you in the end. It is what hurts your soul, reprograms your brain, creates imbalance, and ruins your life. Shame becomes programmed into us. It is so automatic in many of our own minds and in our culture that we do not even realize this is what is hurting us, or even that it is happening.

Frankly, many people think shame is the way to make/encourage people to do better in life. Many parents subscribe to a definition of "tough love" which really entails shaming. I noticed this when my son spilled a milkshake into my purse the other day. At first, I heard in my mind the reaction I was trained to have: "Jeffrey! What's wrong with you? You need to be more careful! Look what you did! You ruined my purse. I can't take you anywhere." But instead I said "Jeffrey!" and paused knowing I could never say those things to my beautiful child. I continued with "Oh no, your milkshake! Let's clean it up and get you a new one. We all spill things." 

As shame researcher Dr. Brene Brown says we need to understand the difference between guilt and shame:

Guilt = I did something bad.
Shame = I am bad.

Yelling at my son "What's wrong with you? I can't take you anywhere!" would have been shaming him- telling him he was bad. 

If we think we are bad, if we feel shame or other people shame us by telling us we are bad, then we believe we are not worthy of connection and belonging. If we are not worthy of connection and belonging, which humans are hard-wired for, then we enter into despair and our lives fall apart. In her Super Soul Sunday show with Oprah, Dr. Brown says: "Shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, eating disorders, violence, bullying, and aggression. Guilt is inversely correlated with those."

Watch this amazing clip to see this explained in a powerful way:




My therapist has been continually working with me to help stop me when I go into shaming myself. As I have worked with my therapist, I see how shame pervades my life. In everything I do, good or bad, I shame myself. I believe bad things happen because I am a bad person who makes them happen and good things must only happen to me due to a fluke or I must have done something bad in order to get this thing that is good. That means I probably shame myself almost 24/7. That is just not healthy and if shame is correlated with high rates depression, I am sure it is correlated in many ways to other mental illnesses.

So, how has my therapist helped me recognize shame? Dr. Brown says the one thing that combats shame is empathy, which for me is the compassion that my therapist is trying to teach me to have for myself. He notices when I shame myself right away, but in order to get me to see it, he asks me if what I say to myself is something I would say to a congregant or my own son. It is not.

When I believe other people's shaming of me, he again asks me to have compassion for myself and ask if what that person did to me I would do to someone else. I would not.

He also reminds me that when someone shames me, I need to first stop and acknowledge to myself that it hurt and that was not ok, rather than jumping to the conclusion that I deserve to be hurt because I am bad.

So, how does this work, this whole guilt and shame thing when you actually do something that is not all that great? Maybe this story will help:

One morning my husband left very early to go out of town. I forgot to set my alarm and I woke up late, took a shower, and walked out of my bedroom to realize my son was still home! I had not only forgotten wake up, but also get him breakfast and take him to school! He was just hanging out playing on his computer. Then, since it was so late and I was overwhelmed, I decided just to keep him home from school rather than have to explain what happened to the school. I felt like the worst mother ever and I told my therapist that. I said I was irresponsible, lazy, didn't care enough about my son evidenced by the fact that I even forgot he was in the house! What mother does that? His reaction was that I needed to have compassion for myself. To first realize that I must have been very exhausted to have slept in so late. That does not mean what I did was great, and I could have still taken him to school, but I am not a bad mother. Next time I will try and remember to set the alarm and if I do wake up late, I should probably take him to school anyway. Feeling guilt for doing something not so great and learning from it was an appropriate reaction. Feeling shame and thinking I am a bad mother who does not deserve her child was an inappropriate and damaging reaction.

The thing is it is hard to stop the negative programming in our brains. If we have been shamed long enough and thus learned to shame ourselves, we actually need to reprogram the way our brain thinks in order to stop it. It takes a long time of practicing compassion for yourself at every situation for you to start making a dent in the negative programming. And then when others shame you, it is very easy to fall back into automatically shaming yourself. It takes a lot of work on your own, support from positive friends, and sometime distance from those that shame you frequently until you have enough shame resilience to not have their behavior set you back.

The best way to practice compassion for yourself is to do a lovingkindness meditation daily, or even a few times a day. The lovingkindness meditation starts with yourself and then moves outward eventually to the whole world. I like the way Jack Kornfield describes this meditation since he encourages you to see yourself as a child because that allows you to feel love and compassion for yourself. Below is the first part of that meditation and you can click here for the rest of it:

"Begin with yourself. Breathe gently, and recite inwardly the following traditional phrases directed toward our own well-being. You being with yourself because without loving yourself it is almost impossible to love others.

May I be filled with lovingkindness.
May I be safe from inner and outer dangers.
May I be well in body and mind.
May I be at ease and happy.

As you repeat these phrases, picture yourself as you are now, and hold that image in a heart of lovingkindness. Or perhaps you will find it easier to picture yourself as a young and beloved child. Adjust the words and images in any way you wish. Create the exact phrases that best open your heart of kindness. Repeat these phrases over and over again, letting the feelings permeate your body and mind. Practice this meditation for a number of weeks, until the sense of lovingkindness for yourself grows.

Be aware that this meditation may at times feel mechanical or awkward. It can also bring up feelings contrary to lovingkindness, feelings of irritation and anger. If this happens, it is especially important to be patient and kind toward yourself, allowing whatever arises to be received in a spirit of friendliness and kind affection. When you feel you have established some stronger sense of lovingkindness for yourself, you can then expand your meditation to include others."

Blessings,

Rev. Katie