Buzzfeed and Parents: A Child's Panic is NOT Funny

I always hate when I see these videos or photos that make fun of "overdramatic" kids who clearly are either panicking or over their threshold of being able to function because they just don't understand or can not handle what is going on around them.

I just saw this video of Buzzfeed called: Little Girl Deserves An Oscar For Her Performance While Getting a Flu Shot. In the video, a young girl, maybe eight to ten years old, is getting a flu shot. Unfortunately before the shot, her brother told her "It's worse than you think - way worse," and the girl then has a panic attack. The post comes complete with video and then captioned .gif's of the girl's terrified face with comments underneath such as: "Someone get this girl an agent."

I am a parent, I get the absurd humor that comes when you child is freaking out over something that is not a big deal, and we accidentally laugh. However, I have seriously tried to keep my accidental laughter or my judgement that my son's reaction is not valid to myself. It's real and valid to him, and I can either shame him and make fun of him, or, help him work through it so he knows how to deal with fear, frustration, anger, and overwhelm on his own in the future. This is an important life skill.

In the video, the little girl actually is actively trying to keep it together. She does not fight off the nurse, she is saying "Yeah, yeah, ok," indicating that she understands that she needs the shot. At one point she even says "I just can't help myself!" She follows the advice to press a button to distract herself (good idea from the nurse), but she is clearly still panicking. She is "laugh/crying," which some people think means the person is fine. It does not! Laugh/crying is a response to fear or stress. She is trying her hardest to get through a triggering situation yet everyone in the room is laughing at her. Then her parents and the world post it on the internet and joke that she is "dramatic," as if her visceral response is unwarranted and invalid. Tell the next adult who starts jumping around and screaming because of spider on the floor that their reaction is dramatic and not valid.

As the nurse is putting the bandaid on the girl's arm, you can see her shaking her head "yes," trying to get it together while at the same time her eyes roll back in her head and she looks like she might faint. If you know people who faint while getting blood drawn or for other reasons, you know that they don't just decide "Hey, I want to be dramatic, I shall faint, right now." Then, if you look at the screen shots of the video, the look on the girls face is sheer panic and terror, which I do not think is funny, at all. She's not acting.

I am hoping that this girl's parents also talked to her about the amazing amount of bravery she showed in getting this shot and trying to manage a terrifying situation. She cooperates, she tries to distract and sooth herself, and she even thanks the nurse at the end. She does all the right things that will help her foster the ability to handle panic in the future, as long as she is not shamed for it and is taught that she needs to hide it and that fear is not normal.

When we make fun of children for being scared or overwhelmed, we teach them that such reactions are to be hidden and not dealt with, which means they never learn coping mechanisms. This can contribute to developing a panic disorder in the future for many people. It also teaches kids to not have empathy for other people. Sure, some of us have inappropriate responses to accidents, like laughing, but people with empathy catch their response and then comfort and help the other person. If we continually laugh at and invalidate a child who is panicking, then they learn that when they have a friend or family member who is scared, that they should make fun of them as well, which does not help the situation diffuse and does not foster healing. It fosters an inability to emotional connect with others, which can lead to violence and oppression.

I am not saying that we all will have perfect responses to kids, or adults, when they panic or something bad happens. Part of human nature is often inappropriate responses due to trauma and surprise. What I am saying is that we should not promote making fun of other people's fear, it is very shaming and makes people feel bad about themselves and their emotions.

P.S. My husband pointed out the question: why was the mother filming this? What prompted her to start filming? Why would you randomly film your kids getting flu shots?

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

A Promise For My Son on His Birthday

On this, my son's ninth birthday, I am reminded of the question many parents ask me about mental illness: "Can I prevent mental illness in my child?"

Clearly, we do not know enough about the brain to know if mental illness will ever be preventable. I already had signs of mental illness when I was six years old and now that Jeffrey is nine, I hope that maybe the genes have skipped him, but you really never know. Even though we don't know if we can prevent mental illness, I know that there are things we can do to not make it as likely or if it happens, make it less detrimental. An unsupportive, shaming, and emotionally abusive environment (at any age) contributes to mental illness either by possibly triggering it or making a current illness infinitely worse, so this is my message to my son:

Dear Jeffrey,

I promise to always recognize your inherent worth and dignity. I will not expect you to be anything other than you are, and will always encourage you to follow your interests, talents, and passions in life.

I will never shame you, making you feel as though you are bad. There are only bad behaviors, not bad people. So, if you do something that is not so great, you admit it, learn from it, and move on.

When you act out (and we all do it) I will always first ask "Why is this happening?" and never answer "Because you are a kid/teenager." I will commit to discovering what is behind what is going on so we can fix the situation rather than making accusations about your character.

When tragedy strikes and life is hard, we will deal with it together as a family. I will never hide things from you and treat you as though you can't handle anything. Hiding difficult things from you never allows you to experience your own emotions and deal with life in your own way. It is an insult to you to treat you as if I decide your emotions for you.

As a family, we will practice gratitude and joy so you will always know that even when life is scary, we still have things to be grateful for and things to enjoy. We learn together that joy in life is worth all the risk.

Katie & Jeffrey. Copyright: Jeff Norris

I will not dismiss your feelings and opinions. I will listen to your wisdom. By far, you have taught me more about compassion, respect, love, and justice than anyone else has. I will strive to never invalidate your beliefs, but instead listen to them and consider if they are also something I believe. I will be comfortable with the fact that we will not always agree on everything.

I will support you in following your own intuition and not teach you that you have to do something someone else said based on their age, class, or status.

I will listen and truly consider the situation if you tell me I have been unkind. Just because you are my child does not mean that you do not have the ability to evaluate something I am doing. Your perspective is very valuable.

All things I do, I do to help you on your path in life. If I think something is unsafe or could hurt you emotionally or physically, I will explain to you why. I will always build trust with you so that even in times that I need you to do what I ask, you feel confident that it is because I too have a perspective that is valid and not because I think I have power over you.

When I mess up, I will say I am sorry. I will not hide my failings. Everyone fails, failure is how we learn. I cannot learn to be a better parent unless I admit where I succeed and where I fail. You will not learn to know you deserve to be treated with respect if I never admit to making mistakes.

I will try my best not to project my issues, needs, or wants onto you. I will remember that just because something is a problem for me, that does not mean it is a problem for you. I will try and help you through the problems you have, not the problems I had or the problems I think you have.

I will not let my anxieties limit your life. I will let you have fun, take risks, and explore the world even if I fear that nothing is safe.

I always want you to know that you are never responsible for my actions or emotions and if I ever make you feel like you are, that is wrong of me and unacceptable. I will also never ask you to prove your love to me with the common parental statement: "If you love me, you will... (listen to me, do what I said, wear what I want you to, have the job I want for you.)"

I will strive to practice what I preach. I can not tell you that you have inherent worth and dignity and then proceed to insult myself in a myriad of ways or let other people treat me badly. I am honest with you that this is hard for me and I am still learning.

We will have fun as a family in everyday life rather than thinking fun and joy only happen in the "extraordinary" moments in life because truly the everyday is what is extraordinary.

I won't give you more freedom than you can handle or less freedom than you deserve and have earned.

I will remember that this letter to you is a covenant, a living document between you, me, Daddy, and the Spirit of Love. This promise will change over time as I learn to be a better parent and we travel through life together.

Love,

Mommy