Being Shamed for Speaking Publicly About Mental Illness

I received a comment on my blog the other day which brings up an issue that affects many of us with mental illness - being shamed for talking publicly about our illness.

Here is the comment: 

"Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "The Messy Reality of Mania":

Dear Katie,
This post of yours is a true cry for help if I ever heard one. This was a truly sad and disturbing post to read. This has been viewed by many of your relatives and it upset many. I know that it must have been very hard for you to write it. This is not only hurting you, but also your husband and, unfortunately your son as well. Please, for your sake and for the sake of your family, seek a competent psychiatrist who is very familiar with bipolar disorders. I know that you do not like to be medicated, but if you work with the right person, they can find the right drug that can help you. Please do this for yourself. You are the only person who can change you. There is hope, but you need to take the first step. We all love you and want only the best for you.

A very concerned relative" 

There are many issues with a comment and action such as the one above. First, let me say, this is an "anonymous comment from a very concerned relative." This is the internet friends, and I did not think to require an email to leave comments on my blog (that will change though), so I have no idea if this really is a family member or someone else. I do believe whoever this person is, they do care and want the best for me. That is very kind and I appreciate the concern.

Photo copyright of Seanan Holland.

However, this comment is written in a way that shames people with mental illness. Maybe not on purpose, but that is what is happening. They are asking me to wear a public mask in order to not make them uncomfortable. This is much like the mask project we did in seminary where we painted the outside of the mask to represent what we are supposed to present to the world and the inside with who we really are.

Saying that me telling my story and opening up about the reality of mental illness upset many of my family members and I am hurting my son and husband is extremely shaming. This comment is saying "I am scared of your illness and so I don't want to hear about it. I will use the ultimate way to make you feel bad, saying you are hurting your family, in order to try and get you to do what I want." Whenever someone says "many others agree with me" you should probably question that. This is a common way for someone to try and get you to do what they want by backing up their statement with an unseen group of people to make you think "If lots of people agree, I must do what this person is asking of me." In leadership you learn that these unknown "many people" often end up being just a few out of the hundreds in the organization.

There is also a huge assumption that this person knows what is best for me and how my husband and son feel. All inaccurate information of which they have not attempted to verify. It is a presumptuous comment which does not allow my husband or son to speak for themselves.

This comment assumes I do not have competent medical help. Sadly, whoever this is has not actually inquired as to what help I am getting, which is a lot. I am fortunate to have more people helping me than the average person with mental illness. I am so blessed to be getting such great mental health treatment.

Out of the dozens of comments and emails I received about the blog post, only two people thought it was a cry for help. This is most likely due to a misunderstanding of what a cry for help is and not knowing much about cutting, which is why I will write a separate blog post on this topic to go more in depth on those issues. 

This comment is annonymous. This happens to people with mental illness all the time. For me it was on the blog, for others it is triangulation where a "concerned friend" tries to get to get their message of concern to you through another person. Other times it is an anonymous letter or email. 

In ministry I learned to never take anonymous feedback. Anonymous feedback is a huge red flag that warns: this issue really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the person attempting to bully or shame you into doing what they want. Anonymous feedback leaves no room for relationship, understanding, empathy, compassion, and love. And in all honesty, true concern and love does not come from an anonymous comment. It comes from direct communication.

I know the phrase "You are the only person who can change you" is very popular. I don't disagree completely. We can not change another person. For someone to recover from a mental illness, or really deal with any illness, they need to recognize they have an illness and be open to treatment. However, mental illness is greatly affected by environment. When someone is trying to treat their illness and they are in an unsupportive environment, it is almost impossible to get better. In fact, it is really just better to get out of the dysfunctional system. The best thing to compare this too is alcohol addiction. If the family of an addict drinks around them, keeps alcohol in the house, does not support their recovery, and will not talk to them about their addiction, they are sabotaging the alcoholic. 

I understand that mental illness scares people. Many illnesses scare us. No one wants to be sick. The reality of illness is that it is messy and complicated. That does not mean we should not talk about it. The more we hide it, the more we promote this whole idea that mentally ill people are too scary to be around and we just want them to get medicated and be quiet.

You may be wondering if you have a loved one you are worried about what might be a good response to express concern for someone. Here is one suggestion:

"Dear Katie,

This is (name of family member or friend.) I read your blog post and I did not know so much about your bipolar before. I admit it was sad for me to read this, but I am glad you shared so I can know more about what you are going through. Are there ways that we can help you and be supportive of you? Please let me know what we can do. Please let Jeff and Jeffrey know we are around if they need anything as well. We love you."

Notice that this does not bring up their evaluation of my treatment of my husband and son. It does not imply that telling my story is upsetting large groups of people and thus inappropriate. It is not anonymous so I can actually contact this person and ask for help if I need it and thank them for caring about me. It does not judge my choices on treatment or judge the actions of my medical professionals. It is honest that the reality of mental illness is scary for them, but they want to help anyway.

As a side note, let me address the issue of not agreeing with someone's form of treatment, because I know that is something many people are worried about. It's valid. Sometimes people do things you think are not a good idea. When I see someone with heart disease eating a burger and fries, I too want to say "Stop doing that and get help." That is shaming and unlikely to actually help them change their behavior.

Recently I had a friend express their concern who said, "I don't think bipolar can be controlled without medication, but I am willing to support you in your decision and help you any way I can. I am here if you need me and you can call me any time." This response expresses their concerns and opinion, but also does not try to change me. It lets me know they will help me. This means the conversation is always open and they respect me, which leads to me being able to hear any suggestions they might have. It is non-confrontational, not shaming, and relational. 

It is sad that mental illness is so scary that we have a hard time talking about it and accidentally communicate in ways that are shaming and do not allow for us to help each other. I understand why this happens. It is a tough subject to talk about. I hope by sharing the issues with this comment that I can help people communicate with each other better.  

Blessings,

Rev. Katie