Lessons From My Parents: What Does Farting Have to Do With Love and Commitment?

This, by far, is one of the weirdest posts I have ever written. 
Or, at least the weirdest title, but you have to have a catchy 

Rev. Katie with her parents. Copyright, Rev. Katie Norris

title if you are a blogger. 

I dedicate this post to my Mom and Dad who have taught 
me so much about life and relationships.

_____________________________

I just saw this great video from the Button Showcase at the 2014 National Poetry Slam and it reminded me of my parents. It is called "Hotbox Love" by Jesse Parent, and while it starts off a bit unconventional, it gets to the heart of what love and commitment is. Basically, the poem is about farting- if you can't handle it if your partner farts, you should not be together. Seems trivial, but you see farther into the poem that what he is talking about is being able to see the beauty in the disgusting and difficult parts of life.

As Jesse Parent says: "...conversations on a toilet. If you can't love me in this awkward space, just live in this filthy, stinky moment, what are you going to do when it really gets bad?...Can you still love me showering me in a chair, wiping my ass as I sob 'I'm sorry' at you, putting my underwear into a trash can without saying a word?"


As a I have counseled people in preparation for marriage, and in the midst of divorce, what most couples struggle with is understanding how to manage life when it does not go as planned and life is ugly. I am thinking now I should just show them this video. And yet, most people don't believe this stuff and think the only couples who can see the beauty in the ugliness are those with perfect relationships, outside of a few hard times.

My parents have been together for 53 years and by far it has not been a walk in the park for them. Yet they saw the beautiful in even the ugliest times. I see how different this love and commitment is when my Dad and I care for my Mom who has Lewy Body Dementia,which has left her unable to move and confined to a bed or wheelchair. We change her adult diapers together, and he does not say a word as he throws her underwear into the trash can. While I also do these tasks for my Mom, it's not the same. I don't like it and it it's not easy for me. It's a different kind of love and commitment, which you can see on my Dad's face as he lovingly takes care of her and only sees beauty where other people would see something far more disgusting than, as Jesse Parent talks about, farting in the bed.

My Mom would love this poem because she and I always used to joke about couples being comfortable farting in front of each other, particularly in bed. We even made up new words to the song "Wind Beneath My Wings" and called it "Wind Beneath My Sheets." She thought that kind of comfort with each other was not only funny, but gravely needed if a relationship was ever going to survive.

When I think all of that my husband and I have gone through and all the times either one of us has contemplated divorce, I know that the only reason that has not happened is because even in the darkest times, we see love and beauty. Sometimes I am in a deep state of depression or I am so angry that I have been horrifically mean, and he still sees just a moment of beauty. Sometimes he has been totally cold and emotionally disconnected. I look at him and I just can't stand him, and I think "But he is so beautiful."

I am sure my husband and I both learned this ability to see the beautiful in the midst of the mess from my parents. My husband has known my parents since he was sixteen years old. He too knew of the "Wind Beneath My Sheets" song my Mom and I had made up. He has seen my parents go through many struggles together and he has changed Mom's diaper with my Dad.

I am frequently told that my husband should leave me due to my illness, because "no one should have to put up with that" and that mental illness is a deal breaker in a marriage. People don't understand how beauty can be seen in our life together. My husband sometimes has to pick me up, get me showered, and dress me after we might have been fighting for hours the night before and I am too depressed to care for myself. Most people say that is just too ugly to have to live with. No different than the people who say the vow "in sickness and in health" no longer applies if your partner gets dementia.

I think one of the reasons it is so hard for couples to know how to see the beauty in the ugliness and how to leave ego behind and fight for a relationship, is that we never talk about messy relationships. People often tell me not to write about my illness because it is too messy. But if none of us talk about these things, we never learn that life can be terrifyingly messy and hard, but there are ways to keep going and have a good life. If we don't talk about it, no one knows the hours and hours of therapy and/or internal work it takes for two people to stay together and to still see beauty in terrible times.

I am not saying we put up with things like verbal or physical abuse, or any other number of issues in a partnership. I am also not saying that all relationships can stay together, because there are always extenuating circumstances that are exceptions. What I am saying is that you have to realize at some point your relationship will get messy, and when it does, can you still see a bit of beauty? Can you both call whoever you have to and do whatever work you need to to in order to do your best? Can you be the wind beneath each other's sheets?

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Unhelpful Advice from Professionals

Picture if you will for a moment, a doctors office. A husband and wife sit across the desk from the doctor and he has just told them that the wife has cancer. She will need surgery, weekly doctors visits, daily medication and he is not sure if the cancer is curable. This will be a long road for the couple. Then the doctor turns to the husband and says "You have a lot going on right now with work and managing your diabetes, there is no need to let your wife's issues add to your difficulties."

Now, you may not think that this doctor is all that compassionate or understanding. He basically told the husband that his wife's cancer is her illness alone and he should not be bothered with caring for her. You may think advice like this does not happen often, but it does, at least for caregivers of people with mental illness. 
 
I talk to people all over the country who are caring for a loved one with mental illness. Parents, siblings, partners, friends. The advice above is a fairly common from some people in the helping professions (ministers, counselors, therapists). I think is unhelpful at best, damaging at worst.

This advice is some form of: "Do not take on someone else's problems" or "You have enough going on in your life already, there is no need to let (your partner, child, etc...) add to your difficulties."

I understand that this is well meaning, as a way to help the caregiver put up some boundaries and make sure that they care for themselves in the midst of helping another person. This advice can also sometimes mean that as a caregiver you do not take on your loved ones insecurities, insulting behavior, or irrational thinking, if they have any of those symptoms. (By the way, having mental illness does not mean everything we do is irrational).

While the advice is well intentioned, it also comes with a whole lot of assumptions, stigma, and judgement. In fact, it is advice that I am pretty sure you would never give to a caregiver of someone with any other illness.

This advice, given mostly to caregivers of people with mental illness, assumes that mental illness is a choice. It assumes people with mental illness are just trying to make life difficult for others and that they are inconsiderate. It assumes that we have no community responsibility to care for people with mental illness, because they bring it upon themselves. This advice leads to caregivers loosing compassion and empathy for their loved one.

So, what can you say instead to get the message of self-care and boundaries across and not use a phrase that stigmatizes mental illness? How about something like: "Make sure to take care of yourself as you care for your mother and if you need help and are overwhelmed, ask for help." Then brainstorm a list of people they can ask for help when they need it. Or say: "I know your partner is saying unkind things to you, which is inappropriate. You do not need to take on their beliefs about your as your own." Suggestions like these do not assume the person with mental illness is a burden who has chosen to be a burden, and whom the loved one (who willingly entered into a relationship with this person) has no responsibility to help care for them. It is also a big assumption to think that the caregiver has no bad behaviors which might be exacerbating the situation, so don't blame it all on the person with the mental illness. You really need to look at the whole system to give good advice.

Often people argue with me that "If someone has mental illness and they have bad behavior, that is an extreme situation and unlike anything else, so you need to just walk away." Untrue. I hear couples all the time who treat each other terribly. Neither has mental illness, but they yell and scream at each other, they blame and shame. Parents call their kids "irresponsible brats" and make them feel unworthy. Parents feel overwhelmed at the daily caretaking of their kids. People with all sorts of other illnesses have bad days where they lash out at their loved ones caring for them. This is all about managing communication and environment to enable the best relationship possible so that the person with mental illness is cared for and loved and the caregiver is not burnt out and they also feel loved.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Can I Care for Another Person?

Me & Mom (Photo by Jeff Norris)

I am a caregiver for my Mom who has dementia. My family and I live with my parents so Mom really has 3 adults and 1 child as her caregivers. However, most of the caregiving falls to my Dad as he is the one she is most comfortable with. My husband, son, and I help with a lot of things, but Mom prefers to have Dad help her with getting dressed and all the other basics of everyday.

But this week Dad is gone on a retreat and I am the main caregiver now for Mom. I don't mind taking care of Mom, it just happens to be unfortunate that this is not one of my more stable weeks. So I am having a hard time keeping up with caring for my son, caring for my Mom, and caring for myself.

I struggle with the question of whether or not people like me can be caregivers for others. Can I care for Mom when I have so many difficulties of my own? How do we care for our children?

For example, if I can't sleep at night and have to be up at 7:30am to get Mom ready for the day, how do I do that? I can't function on no sleep yet I also can't take a nap because of caring for another person.

I do believe that people with mental illness can lead good lives and we can be helpful to others, but it is eternally frustrating to me that I can't be a full time caregiver because honestly, I need a caregiver myself sometimes.

These are the times when I hate that I am not "normal."

I can be a caregiver, but I probably can't ever be a sole caregiver, which means I need someone to help me. Fortunately I have my husband and usually my Dad, but I wish they did not have to help me. This is where the guilt of mental illness comes in. The guilt over not being able to do everything, be "normal," and able take care of my mother on my own.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie