It's The Simple Things

This week my husband is out of town. This always makes things much harder for me. If I have not prepared well, then I can't figure out how to get all the food cooked, get our son off to school, go to bed on time, etc... When my parents asked me how I was doing, I let them know we had very little food made in the house so Dad invited us over to dinner tonight. This was such a big help and took away a lot of the anxiety of the evening as my son and I were ensured to have a good dinner and I would not feel like a failure of a mother by giving him a random unhealthy dinner. Then later in the evening my sister called to check in on me and we talked about different random things, which helped me feel like life was normal again.

I know many family members wonder how they can help their loved one with mental illness. The illness seems so big that you need need to do something drastic in order to help them. In reality, it may be the more simple things, like dinner and a phone call, which will help the most.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Can You Really Hate Everything?

There are many different aspects to mental illness that we do not realize are part of the illness. A common symptom of mental illness that often goes unrecognized is hating everything. This is when you hate everything that you have on your schedule, regardless of the fact that it is an activity you love. It stresses you out to even think that you have to go and it makes you feel tired and annoyed when you wake up in the morning seeing the tasks you have to do for the day. Yet, when you actually go to the event or perform the task, you like it.

For instance, you might dread your job, but actually love it when you are there. You might be planning to go to a movie with friends but find yourself annoyed that you have to get in the car and drive there.

I used to think this hating everything meant that I was just lazy. Or, in the early days, I thought I really actually hated things that I loved, which was not good because sometimes I would quit something that I actually liked. 

What my therapist has helped me realize is that this hating everything is just part of my illness. It does not really mean that I am unhappy with what I am doing or that I am lazy and just want to sit around all day. It is just a glitch in my brain. For some of us with mental illness, tasks seem overwhelming and it is that anxiety over the tasks that makes you feel like you hate them.

In order to overcome this hating everything issue, I am working on being more mindful. Just recognize that I am anxious about doing something, but don't give into the anxiety and feeling like I hate everything. Instead I just try to remind myself that once I get there I will like it and let that feeling of dread go.

For me, just knowing that this is part of the illness and that I don't really hate everything is really helpful. It helps me go and do what I had planned anyway. It helps me stick with things I love doing instead of letting the anxiety of it get to me.

Blessings,
Rev. Katie

Lessons Learned

Wow, I have not written a blog post in two and a half weeks! It may come as no surprise to those of you who also deal with bipolar disorder to know that you can probably tell how I am doing based on how frequently I write. When there is a long spell with no creativity, that usually means I am facing some serious depression, which is what has been happening. I have been feeling better the past couple of days and noticed that this recent bout of depression has taught me a few things. What I wonder is why does it take me so long to learn these much needed lessons? Lessons other people around me are often telling me. I guess because my brain is sick and it just does not work rationally at times.

First I learned that depression will go away and I am not always depressed. When I am depressed I think I have been like that forever and I will remain so until I die. Jeff always tells me this is not true, but I never believe him. Recently my therapist asked me if I could just see the depression as temporary and when it happens just do what I need to in order to get through the day and make sure I still do a few things I enjoy each day. Well, she and Jeff are both right. This does not last forever, and in fact it is pretty predictable when it will happen. It always happens the same week each month and it always happens during big transitions, like moving, which we did a week ago.

The sun will always rise after a depression.

The second thing I learned is that I really need to track my moods better. Since the depression is so predictable, tracking my moods means I could often know before it is going to happen and put in place some extra precautions so that it does not get as bad. I can even mentally prepare myself for it so I do not get into thinking I will be depressed and miserable forever. I can rearrange my schedule to have less to do that week. I can ask for more help. I can make sure I have no excuses not to eat right and exercise.

The last thing I learned is that I am actually sick. You see, despite my blog and all of my openness about my illness, I still revert to thinking I am just a bad and weak person who cannot control herself.  I think I should just be able to stop being depressed, force myself to exercise, and almost beat myself up mentally into being a better person. When I do this, I am not really understanding that I am sick. The reason I can't just force myself to stop being depressed and manic or be as perfect as my husband is because there is an illness in my brain. I am not a bad or weak person. When I recognize my illness and take it seriously then I can plan better for it and use my treatment plan more effectively.

While this bout with depression was pretty bad, I am grateful for all of the things I learned this time. I am hopeful this will allow me to better manage the next depressive episode that comes my way. I am especially grateful for the people who kept helping me learn these lessons even though it took so long for them to stick.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Helping Kids Handle Emotions

People often ask me how my seven year old son handles my mental illness. We have always been open with our son about my illness. Because kids always feel responsible for what is going on at home, I felt it was very important that he know no matter how I am doing, he is not responsible for my mental state. He needs to know that when I am upset or sad, it is part of my illness and not a result of something he did. Jeffrey seems to understand this pretty well and has gotten used to the times when Mommy is anxious, mad, or sad. He doesn't usually talk about my illness and when I am having a hard time he knows some of the things we can do to help me. He is actually really great at helping me stay on my treatment plan. He is the best at making sure I don't eat any ice cream from the freezer! Today though I noticed that he really does see and understand more than he says.


When I picked him up from school he got in the car and said "Today was the worst day in my life. I feel bad today Mommy." I asked him what was wrong and he said "Not like that. I feel bad like you feel a lot of the time." He was clearly able to articulate that there is a difference between physically feeling bad and emotionally feeling bad. I could tell he was in a bad mood and sad so I asked him if he felt sad and angry. He said yes and he didn't want to go to soccer tonight because he felt so bad. So I told him when I feel that way it is always best to do something I like so he should go to soccer because after he gets there, he will like it. So he asked me "What else do you do to feel better Mommy." Then we thought up a plan together to put him in a better mood and get ready for soccer.

Jeffrey at soccer. Photo by Jeff Norris

One of the hard things about having mental illness and having kids is that when something like this happens, you worry your child might have your illness. However, we have to remember that our problems are not their problems. Worrying they may have an illness means we run the risk of giving them more problems than they really have and over analyzing them. Instead we need to remember they are just kids learning to navigate life. If something really is wrong it will show up at home and at school and if you are talking to their teachers, they will let you know.


So, don't panic when your kids are having a hard time. Use your knowledge of how to handle emotions and share that with your kids. Let them know that we will all feel sad or angry at times and there are things we can do to handle those emotions and not let them ruin our day. 


Blessings,


Rev. Katie

Am I Getting Better or Am I Just Manic?

I have been feeling better the past few days. I have been relatively happy and able to handle things pretty well. My impending sense of doom has been gone since yesterday afternoon. I should be happy about this and would like to think that this means I am getting better. However, I know this probably means I am actually getting sicker.

What Is Happiness? (Photo by Jeff Norris)

How do I know this? Well, I am feeling better even though I have not been very strict with my diet. I just got a bunch of files cleaned up in my office and I have written four blog posts in the past three days. All these signs tell me that I am unreasonably happy. I am probably manic and this could get bad pretty fast.

However, knowing all of these things and paying close attention to what is happening may mean that I can stop the mania from getting out of control. In order to do that I need to make sure my diet is strictly adhered to, make sure I sleep, don't overwork myself, continue to record how I am doing, keep up my exercise, take my medicine, and have Jeff keep a close eye on me.

It makes me sad to know that I can't just enjoy being happy. Happiness is usually actually a sign of illness for me and I wish instead that this were something I could just celebrate. I wish I could see this as a sign of getting better and hope for the future. Anything is possible, but I know from past experience that when I let this happiness run rampant, it quickly turns into mania.

What I am hopeful for is that I can get through this without a severe manic episode. I hope this happiness is productive and not destructive. I hope what I learn from getting through this will mean that I am getting better at treating my illness. It will never go away, I know that now. What I am learning now is how to best live with it so my life is balanced and productive.

If you have bipolar disorder, how do you manage your mania and let it be a productive time in your life without it spiraling out of control?

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

The Lifestyle Trade-Off

Yesterday I wrote about dealing with the trade-off between medication and side effects. Wendy, from the blog Depression Getaway, commented on my post and talked about the trade-offs not from medication, but from lifestyle changes and I realized I really should have included that topic in my post yesterday as well. As Wendy points out in her comment, lifestyle changes have a great effect on our illness and can be a treatment, just like medication is. Just like with medication though, the lifestyle changes come with trade-offs.

Some of the lifestyle changes that I have made to treat my illness and you have heard me talk about before are diet, exercise, and sleep. I also need to balance my schedule between overworking myself and having down time. I need to keep doing things that bring me joy like scrapbooking and knitting. I also need to keep up a spiritual practice which can be meditation, an art practice, journaling, etc... The trade-off to this lifestyle is that it works. My illness can be managed very well by doing all of these things. However, the other trade-off is that it is a lot of work to keep up this lifestyle.

It is very hard to find things that I can eat when we go out or are with friends. People then seem to want detailed information as to why I eat the way I do and then some people judge my choice. I also have to eat pretty regularly so might have to eat during a meeting which some people find rude. I always need to have back up food in my purse in case I can't find anything to eat. I can't stay out late at parties. Sometimes I can't travel or I need different accommodations at things like retreats which combine people in rooms because that just gives me panic attacks. I have to schedule exercise in the morning, no exceptions, even for meetings. I can't have meetings or events that last all day or late at night because I can't handle the overload of being in the public so long or I need to get to bed so I have enough sleep each night.

Taking an art break with Jeffrey. (Photo by Jeff Norris)

These are hard things to handle because it is hard to have the ability to stick with these things yourself and, in my experience, you get a lot of peer pressure not to follow through on these lifestyle changes. Whereas few people will tell you you are stupid or weird for taking medication. 

But these changes can make us better. These changes make me able to do great work, be a great Mom, and be happy and healthy. What we really need in order to help balance the trade-off of lifestyle changes being so much work is a good support system around us who helps us stick to these changes. Such as friends who exercise with us, a partner who will cook a healthy meal when we are feeling tired, people who on vacation help make sure we eat well and get sleep, workplaces that give people flexible schedules so they can work as productively as possible.

Lifestyle changes help manage your illness even when you take medication, it does not have to be one or the other. If you are not on medication though I always think you should still have a psychiatrist who you see regularly so that just in case you ever need extra help, you can get it.

So, take the plunge, make some liefstyle changes. It will take a lot of work but the trade-off is increased wellness.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

The Trade-Off: Is It Worth It?

Today Beth Mader, a blogger from BP Hope Magazine, wrote a post called The Trade-Off about the trade-off between the side effects that her medication is causing her and the wellness the medicine brings. I really feel for Ms. Mader as the side effects and health complications she deals with from her medications sound very difficult. She made the choice to stick with the medication despite the side effects because the trade-off is that she is happy and doing well mentally.

Weighing the Side Effects (photo by Jeff Norris)

I have been contemplating this trade-off recently too. My medication does get rid of some of my symptoms, such as much of the mania is decreased with one medication and the anti-depressant I was on decreased my depression and anxiety. However, the anti-depressant came with other side effects like very bad stomach problems and sexual side effects (yep, no one like to talk about the embarrassing side effects, but they are pretty bad.) The medication for my mania is heavy duty and makes me dizzy, sluggish, gives me nightmares, increases my anxiety a lot, makes me gain weight, and is risky enough that I need to have blood tests done from time to time to make sure I don't get diabetes or kidney problems.

For me the trade-off, right now, is too high to stay on so much medication so in consultation with my doctor, we have adjusted things a bit. This means that I need to be even more vigilant about diet, exercise, and sleep as I do not have the higher doses of medication to take some of the edge off of my illness. This also means that I have to keep close track of my moods and if things start to get bad again, I will increase the medication.

Clearly, making decisions like this is hard and each person needs to make the decision with their carepartner and doctors. For instance, I want to stop the medication for the mania all together, but my husband Jeff does not want me to, so I won't. It is his life too after all, and the mania before I started this medicine was seriously negatively affecting our lives.

People who do not understand mental illness often have the false belief that if we just take medication, we will be fine. But no medication has ever made me completely better and symptom free, and all the medications have come with lots of side effects. Medication is not a quick fix and not something to be taken lightly. The trade-off is hard to navigate

Blessings,

Rev. Katie