Creativity and Recovery

I recently gave a presentation at a conference to mental health care providers and consumers of mental health care and I was reminded of why I do this work. It focused on all of the mind, body, and spirit changes and activities we can do to create a stable foundation for our recovery. Of course, part of this included talking about how important and healing it can be to bring creativity into your treatment plan. Many people do not see creativity as an essential part of recovery, but it is. Creativity is not only a mind and body activity, but a spiritual one as well. When we create things, we tap into our inner wisdom and power. We discover how amazing we are, how we can create something so beautiful or interesting. When we create something, we are reminded of how we do contribute special things to this world, not only for ourselves but for those around us sometimes too. We also feel the power of something greater than ourselves. Maybe that is God for some of us, the Universe, greater humanity, or the Spirit of Love. Through creating something special, we feel a sense of awe and wonder at all that is in the Universe.

Many people do not understand this spiritual and important part of creativity, especially people who do not consider themselves artistic. However, every time I have asked someone to keep an open mind and just try a simple art project with me, they end up being proud of what they did. They see themselves in a new light, and they love the fact that they created something special. It makes them happy.

I was reminded of this at the conference when I asked everyone to engage in a mediative art practice inspired by the Zentangle® method. In this practice, you create patterns, any patterns you imagine, on a small sheet of paper. You do this in pen, which helps you accept things as they are. We let people know that there is no wrong way to create this art, and in so doing, this helps people learn to accept themselves as they are. Creating patterns allows your mind to slow down and become calm, which is great in all kinds of situations, especially in helping with anxiety. When people see the finished product of what they made, they see the beauty and feel a sense of accomplishment and pride.

Meditative Art Practice. Bipolar Spirit©

After everyone finished their meditative art I asked how they felt. One man, who is just about a year into recovery from mental illness, said that he never considered himself an artist, but he liked what he created. He said this simple art piece made him feel like he had worth. All of his repetitive thoughts of self-loathing, despair, and thinking he was not good enough stopped for a bit when he saw what he had made. He said the art showed him that he was not worthless. We talked about how every time those negative thoughts come to his mind, he can look at this piece of art and know he has worth, he is creative, he contributes to the world, and the world can be beautiful.

This is why I do this work. I show people different ways they have agency in their own treatment and help them find things that give them strength, hope, and purpose. People need support for all the times between visits to therapists and doctors, and they need to know they have the ability to be active in their recovery. People with mental illness need to know that something as simple as a 4"x4" piece of paper and a pen can stop a panic attack or manic episode. It can help you manage your illness enough so that you can remain in recovery rather than end up in a hospital ward.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

No Home's Complete Without a Rabbit

Today ends a legacy in our family, an era. Since 1998, for fifteen years, we have had house rabbits. My husband and I got our first bunny together when we were in college. Then our next bunny was my wedding gift from Jeff to me. After that, all our bunnies were adopted. Our third bunny was one a neighbor bought for their child on Valentine's Day but they could not keep it. Our fourth bunny was found dumped in a local park after Easter one year, and our fifth bunny was from a friend who could not keep her. We agree with Clare Turlay Newberry when she writes: "No home's complete without a rabbit."

Some people are not pet people and don't quite get the connection many of us have with our animals. We love our furry family members and are grateful for having them in our lives. House rabbits are not your typical pet, and having a bunny is a new experience in animal parenting. There is a lot of misunderstanding about how to properly care for a bunny and you need a vet that specializes in rabbits. They have special souls who bring a lot of love to a house. Having bunnies in general taught us a lot about life, but in particular, each one taught me something special.

Bunny #1: Freckles
Freckles ate through walls, box springs, and all other various furniture pieces. He begged at the table like a dog, and loved being with people. From him I learned that I could handle a lot more than I thought I could. Both Freckles and Dot got GI stasis often (where their stomach gets clogged with hair) because of their breed. If they do not get fluids fast enough, they can die, so we learned how administer subcutaneous fluids to the bunnies. You would often find us in the kitchen with an IV bag hanging from our ceiling. Freckles also taught me that even the smallest being can feel and give love and express gratitude for their family. He loved giving me kisses on the nose.

Bunny #2: Dot
Dot was the Queen Bunny. She was bossy and assertive. She nipped at your ankles when you were in her way. She taught me to be yourself, and interestingly enough, she was an example of a strong woman who knew what she wanted. Dot, Freckles, and Lando were also Mini Rex rabbits, the breed with the softest fur, which are also the breed of the rabbit in The Velveteen Rabbit. These bunnies have big hearts and share a lot of love.

One heart for each bunny was buried with Lando.

Bunny # 3: Val
Val was a little grey dwarf rabbit and he was really laid back. He just took life as it came, hanging out with his siblings. He taught me to be more relaxed about life. Nothing ever seemed to phase him.

Bunny #4: Circuit
Circuit was unlike any bunny we had before. He was an albino with red eyes and probably for that reason he was dumped in a park after Easter. Many people dump bunnies after Easter, but especially albino bunnies because the red eyes scare people and they call them "devil bunnies." Being abandoned effected him his whole life. He was sweet, yet cranky, and he totally fell in love with his bunny siblings. If you did something he did not like, he would snort at you and stomp his feet. He taught me that even if you have been hurt before, abandoned and left in the wild, you can learn to trust and love again.

Bunny #5: Lando Bunrissian
Lando was just a sweet bunny. For some reason, she was our only bunny that was sick a lot and we could never figure out why. She would loose weight rapidly at times and often had respiratory infections. We ran many tests and never could figure out what was wrong. Lando taught me to always maintain a bright outlook on life. Even when she was sick, she was always just a happy bunny. In her last days, she looked terrible, but she was hopping around and never seemed to be in any pain.

We buried Lando today under the "bunny tree" near her brother Circuit and five paper hearts, one for each bunny we have had. We all talked about our favorite memories of each bunny and we read our favorite poem about bunnies which of course ends with: "No home's compete without a rabbit." I don't know when our home will feel complete again without our bunny children who taught us so much.

P.S.: Actually, my first bunnies were a small litter of bunnies I rescued when I was a child. Most of them died right away, but one held on a little longer. I fed it through a dropper and kept it warm in a little box with towels. I really wanted that bunny to live and thought that if I just could give it enough love, it would survive. This little bunny taught me that we can't save everyone, no matter how hard we try. After my bunny died, my Dad wrote me a note reminding me that I had tried as hard as I could, the bunny was grateful for my love, and that we never completely loose those we love. I still have that note today as it was so important in my understanding of life and death. It is what I pass on to our son every time one of his bunnies has passed away.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

How To Stop A Panic Attack in Two Minutes

A few weeks ago, I found myself on vacation in a situation that caused such panic I thought we would have to end our vacation just after it had begun. My husband, son, and I went to GenCon (yes, a gaming convention, we are quite geeky) and while I have been at many conventions for all sorts of things before, this one was really crowded and the convention center was so convoluted that you were often in places that had no exit to the outside near you. As some of you know, I panic when I do not know I can easily get out of a room or situation. Thus, large buildings with few exits like conventions centers, indoor malls, movie theaters, and hospitals scare me to death.

As soon as we walked into the convention center, I was a wreck. I got overheated and sweaty, I was breathing fast, I was shaking, and I felt sick. I was having a terrible panic attack. No matter what I did- deep breathing, repeating to myself that I was safe, talking to my family to distract me- nothing stopped the panic and I did not have my Ativan with me. I went into the convention center and saw a corsetiere booth and knew I could stop my panic attack in two minutes.

At another convention I had bought a corset as a costume piece and while wearing it I noticed I was calm and did not feel my usual constant anxiety or have panic attacks.

As soon as the corset was laced up, I calmed down. My husband and son were surprised at my almost instant turn around. We were able to continue our vacation and I had no more panic that weekend, all because of the corset.

Copyright: J. Norris

It is not surprising to me that a corset can calm panic, since deep touch pressure has been used for many years with animals (such as the Thundershirt), and now for people with autism and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Deep touch pressure became more popular and widely studied by Dr. Temple Grandin after she discovered that she was calmed after putting herself into a squeeze chute made for cows.

The corset is not that different than the weighted clothing they make for autistic children. The nice thing about the corset is that you can adjust the amount of pressure throughout the day. There are also different lengths of corsets.  You can get some that are smaller which cover mostly just your waist (waist cincher or short underbust corset), or one that goes farther up your back and chest (overbust corset), depending on how much pressure you need over your body. When I am really manic in the evenings sometimes I will put on my obverbust corset, which covers my whole torso. They do make corsets for men as well and you can get a corset made to your exact measurements and body shape, such as an asymmetrical corsets if you have one hip higher than the other. You can wear corsets under your clothes, but I find it more uncomfortable and a bit hard to handle because you can not adjust the pressure of the corset if it is under your clothes, especially a dress.

Corset under clothes. Copyright: J. Norris

I will write more posts in the future about with details about corset wearing, but in the mean time, Lucy's Corsetry will tell you everything you need to know about getting a good corset and how to properly wear one.

For me, wearing a corset is a quick and safe fix for panic and mania. I can wear it all day, it's adjustable, and it does not cause addiction like anti-anxiety medications such as Ativan do. I would like to use Ativan all day due to how much anxiety I have, but I can't because it is an addictive substance. However, I can use the corset all the time and it is totally safe. (Read about corset safety here.)

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

P.S.: The corset I am wearing in these photos is the short underbust corset from Timeless Trends.

Stigma Alert: NBC Nightly News: Ariel Castro, "The Face of Mental Illness."

If you live in Cleveland, Ohio like I do, you know the story of kidnapper Ariel Castro who held three women captive in his home for 11 years. It is a tragic story that has effected our community greatly. I would never justify what he did, and I will not argue that he does not have some form of mental illness. It is possible that he does. However, I do not agree with NBC reporter Brian Williams (or whoever his text writer is) saying that Ariel Castro is "the face of mental illness."


Again, this is just the media promoting stigma against people with mental illness. We can not say that the few people with mental illness who are violent represent mental illness as a whole. In previous posts I have written about the facts of violence and mental illness, namely incidents of violent crimes are low in people with mental illness and we are more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators. 

I don't understand why the news media can not report these stories without throwing everyone with mental illness under a bus. If he has been diagnosed with a mental illness and part of his illness led to criminal activity, you can report that. You do not speculate as to possible mental illness and you do not generalize that mental illness means a person is violent.

Is it any wonder that people with mental illness have to hide who they are even to the point of not seeking treatment? Everyone is afraid of us because of media hype like this and that means we are at serious risk for physical and emotional violence against us if we ever speak up. 

Ariel Castro is not "the face of mental illness." He is the face of his possible illness and his crimes.

The real faces of mental illness are the faces of many amazing people who contribute beautiful things to this world. 

Want to do something about this now? SIGN THIS PETITION to NBC asking for an apology.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

P.S. For another blog post on this subject, visit Pete Earley's blog where he shows how Brian Williams violated the Style Book of the Associated Press which states how reporters should talk about mental illness.

Movie Review by Mother and Son: Phoebe in Wonderland

This is a joint movie review by me and my son. We watched the movie together and he said it was so good that I should blog about it and he wanted to help.

Phoebe in Wonderland (2008) is a movie about a nine year old girl with Tourette Syndrome. The movie shows her and her family's struggle as she starts to engage in obsessive rituals, inappropriate behavior like spitting and saying mean things, and repeating what other people have said. At the same time that all of this is happening, she is in a play of Alice in Wonderland where her symptoms disappear because she is able to hyper-focus. Her drama teacher, Ms. Dodger is really the only person who can get through to Phoebe, but after Phoebe jumps from the catwalk in the theater, Ms. Dodger is fired. There are other meaningful subplots such as Phoebe's classmate Jamie who is harassed because the other kids think he is gay, and Phoebe's mother who struggles with wanting to work and being a mother.

Review by Rev. Katie:
This movie was powerful in so many ways, not all of which I will have enough room to talk about here. For me, these themes stood out the most:

• Phoebe believes scary things people tell her and then in order to avoid them, she creates rituals. One ritual she has is something I did when I was little too. The first time we see Phoebe with "odd" behavior, she is repeating "Step on a crack, break your mother's back," and she is avoiding the cracks in the tile floor. I did the same thing when I was little, avoiding cracks wherever I walked. Phoebe also has compulsive hand washing, which I have to this day, thinking that she needs to wash her hands a certain number of times in order to do well in her audition or make something else good happen. Then her friend tells her that she either needs to pray or do something she hates in order to get the part of Alice in the play, so Phoebe starts rituals of jumping and clapping with a pattern and number of squares on the walkway outside and on the steps. When I was little and walking up stairs, I always had to jump two steps in order to feel safe. What this shows is that for some of us, our brain latches on to superstition or fear and desperately makes us try anything in order to be safe. This means what we say to kids really matters and tormenting kids with scary things is seriously life threatening. 

• Throughout the movie, Phoebe explains so well what it is like in her brain. She says at one point "I can see myself wrecking and ruining and I don't know how to stop." There is a heart wrenching scene with Phoebe crying in her bed to her Mom that she does not know why she does these things. It is also eye opening when Phoebe's father blurts out an unkind statement to her and when he goes to apologize he says, "The words just came out." Phoebe replies that the same thing happens to her. This is when her father is able to understand more of her inability to control her behavior. 

• At one point, Phoebe and her sister and running around the table, giggling and asking their parents to have a baby. Their father clearly gets overwhelmed with the noise and the stress, and blurts out: "Really? Do you think your mother could handle another one like you?" Immediately Phoebe runs away and starts into ritual jumping of squares on the tile floor and is saying "screw you!" She is trying to calm down and tell herself that what her father said was not true. Phoebe also sees and speaks to characters from Alice in Wonderland when she is scared or upset and in this scene she asks them if she is the reason why her mother would not have another child. Again, Phoebe is trying to calm herself and tell herself she is not a bad person. This scene shows so clearly how insulting and shaming a child with difficult behavior only triggers the behavior and makes them think they are bad. If this happens over and over again, the child can not longer fight off the belief that they are bad and they start to believe it. By the time they reach adulthood, it is programmed into them and this is their default belief about themselves so even their own beliefs then trigger the negative behaviors. Fortunately in the movie, the father apologizes, which really is important. None of us will be perfect parents, but sincere apologies and letting your child know that your reaction was due to your problem, and not because they are bad, is one way we we can help them not end up believing these things about themselves as an adult and making the illness worse. 

• There is a scene where Phoebe's younger sister says she wants a different sister, one she does not have to take care of and does not have whatever Phoebe has. The mother insists that Phoebe is fine, but the little girl rightly says that the mother has no idea what is going on. This scene not only shows how hard it can be for siblings who know what is going on but also for parents who are unwilling to see that their child may need help. For most of the movie, the little sister is the only one in the family who even helps Phoebe, even participating in some of her rituals. The sister just gets tired of basically being the only adult in the house. 
  

  

  Theatrical Poster

• Phoebe's parents eventually take her to a psychiatrist who diagnoses her with Tourette Syndrom, but Phoebe's mother insists this is not true and that Phoebe's behavior is her fault, so she fires the psychiatrist. Phoebe's mom does not want her labeled, thought of as "less than," and medicated leading to a life full of side effects. This is understandable. The problem is the mother blames herself, and thinks she can fix Phoebe, rather than accepting the diagnosis and looking for a better way to handle it if she does not want to use medications and such. There is too much shame in our culture surrounding brain disorders so parents become scared and are unable to see what is going on and search for the right kind of treatment for their child. I was a bit disappointed that the movie ends with the parents accepting the diagnosis and Phoebe explaining it to her class without going into what they do to help her. It might be assumed that they went with the medications and that the psychiatric diagnosis and now somehow things are ok. This ending risks promoting the idea that medication works for everyone and cures all. This mentality leads a lot of people to judge parents who use alternative methods of treatment for their children. But, no movie can be perfect or cover every aspect of life. There is not enough time!

• Twice Phoebe gets punished by her teacher and principal for spitting on other kids when the kids have chased, berated, and scared her and she has asked them to stop but they won't. This happens way too often- a child gets pushed to their limit and then punished while the larger group of bullies is defended, all because this child is "different." Even my son asked "Why is it always the nice kids who get in trouble when the mean kids do something wrong?" He said the approach of the drama teacher was much better: Rather than taking a punishment approach when someone writes "faggot" on Jamie's costume, the drama teacher addresses the whole group and teaches them something. This actually created a change in the way people treated Jamie rather than punishment which creates no understanding. It's a very powerful scene.

• The drama teacher, Ms. Dodger, is the only person who understands working with children and how to help them be their best selves. She allows children to make decisions on their own, encourages the kids to be the directors of the play, and is non-authoritarian. Unfortunately, after accidentally saying something hurtful to her friend Jamie, Phoebe runs and climbs up the catwalk. Phoebe retreats into Wonderland for solace and looks down the ladder of the catwalk and sees the hole that brought Alice to Wonderland, so she jumps. It is not a long jump and Phoebe gets a sprained wrist. However, the drama teacher gets blamed for this and there is a terrible, yet typical, scene when the principle questions Phoebe and distorts what she says to make it look like Ms. Dodger told her to jump. Ms. Dodger was the only person who actually helped Phoebe and the other children. In fact, it is Ms. Dodger who gives Phoebe the most beneficial advice- that one day she will see herself as she is, even the parts that are different, accept herself, and on that day she will feel love. Far too often, it is the more creative teachers who know how to help children with brain disorders, but few people ever listen to them.

• After the jump off the catwalk, Phoebe asks her parents if people usually feel hope. They think she did not feel hope and that is why she jumped. Rather, Phoebe explains that she felt hope when looking into Wonderland and that is why she jumped, but in the real world she feels no hope. This illustrates how people often misinterpret behavior that seems to them like self harm. Also, when Phoebe's mother confronts Ms. Dodger and mentions her daughter does not feel hope, again Ms. Dodger gives the best advice- that sometimes we don't feel hope but we keep on anyway, and then we know we have it.

Review by Jeffrey, age 9:

"This movie will change your life.

The movie was awesome. I think it kind of showed me what Mommy's life was like when she was little.

I think teachers could learn a lot from Ms. Dodger, like that kids can do things on their own and they do not need you watching over them every second. 

Parents could learn to not think when something goes wrong that it is their fault. In the part of the movie where Phoebe is crying with her Mom in bed and the Mom asks "What's wrong" and Phoebe says she does not know, the Mom did not keep asking her what was wrong. If we don't know what is wrong, don't keep asking us anymore because it really gets annoying and it puts too much pressure on us. 

People can also learn from the movie that if you are different, that does not mean you are bad, it just means you are special. If someone ever punishes you for being different, then you should talk to your parents and have them fix it. If someone punishes you for being different, that is very mean and it can make you feel bad about yourself."


Both Jeffrey and I recommend that you watch this movie and talk about it afterwards. We both learned things about one another and how to help each other when we are having a difficult time.

I know now not to try and fix everything for him when he says he is not sure what is wrong, and he knows that he should always tell me if he ever starts to feel overwhelmed like Phoebe's little sister. We also talked about apologizing when we say unkind things to each other and how that makes all the difference in how he sees himself as a person. Of course, we also discussed that you you can't just be mean all the time and think if you apologize that it makes everything better. You need to try and act better each time.

When you watch the movie, let us know in the comments what spoke to you.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie and Jeffrey

Recovering from Mental Illness by Combatting Shame

I have had many good therapists since I was 19 years old but recently one noticed that I had a lot of trauma and abuse which was not being addressed properly. She referred me to another therapist who specializes in this and I have been seeing him for ten months. He is really the first therapist who has been able to help me actually start to recover from my bipolar disorder rather than just manage it. How did he do this? He requires me to have compassion for myself. (Which is probably advice now I have shared with many of you personally.)

Why does this work? Because it combats shame. In trauma and abuse, shame is what devastates you in the end. It is what hurts your soul, reprograms your brain, creates imbalance, and ruins your life. Shame becomes programmed into us. It is so automatic in many of our own minds and in our culture that we do not even realize this is what is hurting us, or even that it is happening.

Frankly, many people think shame is the way to make/encourage people to do better in life. Many parents subscribe to a definition of "tough love" which really entails shaming. I noticed this when my son spilled a milkshake into my purse the other day. At first, I heard in my mind the reaction I was trained to have: "Jeffrey! What's wrong with you? You need to be more careful! Look what you did! You ruined my purse. I can't take you anywhere." But instead I said "Jeffrey!" and paused knowing I could never say those things to my beautiful child. I continued with "Oh no, your milkshake! Let's clean it up and get you a new one. We all spill things." 

As shame researcher Dr. Brene Brown says we need to understand the difference between guilt and shame:

Guilt = I did something bad.
Shame = I am bad.

Yelling at my son "What's wrong with you? I can't take you anywhere!" would have been shaming him- telling him he was bad. 

If we think we are bad, if we feel shame or other people shame us by telling us we are bad, then we believe we are not worthy of connection and belonging. If we are not worthy of connection and belonging, which humans are hard-wired for, then we enter into despair and our lives fall apart. In her Super Soul Sunday show with Oprah, Dr. Brown says: "Shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, eating disorders, violence, bullying, and aggression. Guilt is inversely correlated with those."

Watch this amazing clip to see this explained in a powerful way:




My therapist has been continually working with me to help stop me when I go into shaming myself. As I have worked with my therapist, I see how shame pervades my life. In everything I do, good or bad, I shame myself. I believe bad things happen because I am a bad person who makes them happen and good things must only happen to me due to a fluke or I must have done something bad in order to get this thing that is good. That means I probably shame myself almost 24/7. That is just not healthy and if shame is correlated with high rates depression, I am sure it is correlated in many ways to other mental illnesses.

So, how has my therapist helped me recognize shame? Dr. Brown says the one thing that combats shame is empathy, which for me is the compassion that my therapist is trying to teach me to have for myself. He notices when I shame myself right away, but in order to get me to see it, he asks me if what I say to myself is something I would say to a congregant or my own son. It is not.

When I believe other people's shaming of me, he again asks me to have compassion for myself and ask if what that person did to me I would do to someone else. I would not.

He also reminds me that when someone shames me, I need to first stop and acknowledge to myself that it hurt and that was not ok, rather than jumping to the conclusion that I deserve to be hurt because I am bad.

So, how does this work, this whole guilt and shame thing when you actually do something that is not all that great? Maybe this story will help:

One morning my husband left very early to go out of town. I forgot to set my alarm and I woke up late, took a shower, and walked out of my bedroom to realize my son was still home! I had not only forgotten wake up, but also get him breakfast and take him to school! He was just hanging out playing on his computer. Then, since it was so late and I was overwhelmed, I decided just to keep him home from school rather than have to explain what happened to the school. I felt like the worst mother ever and I told my therapist that. I said I was irresponsible, lazy, didn't care enough about my son evidenced by the fact that I even forgot he was in the house! What mother does that? His reaction was that I needed to have compassion for myself. To first realize that I must have been very exhausted to have slept in so late. That does not mean what I did was great, and I could have still taken him to school, but I am not a bad mother. Next time I will try and remember to set the alarm and if I do wake up late, I should probably take him to school anyway. Feeling guilt for doing something not so great and learning from it was an appropriate reaction. Feeling shame and thinking I am a bad mother who does not deserve her child was an inappropriate and damaging reaction.

The thing is it is hard to stop the negative programming in our brains. If we have been shamed long enough and thus learned to shame ourselves, we actually need to reprogram the way our brain thinks in order to stop it. It takes a long time of practicing compassion for yourself at every situation for you to start making a dent in the negative programming. And then when others shame you, it is very easy to fall back into automatically shaming yourself. It takes a lot of work on your own, support from positive friends, and sometime distance from those that shame you frequently until you have enough shame resilience to not have their behavior set you back.

The best way to practice compassion for yourself is to do a lovingkindness meditation daily, or even a few times a day. The lovingkindness meditation starts with yourself and then moves outward eventually to the whole world. I like the way Jack Kornfield describes this meditation since he encourages you to see yourself as a child because that allows you to feel love and compassion for yourself. Below is the first part of that meditation and you can click here for the rest of it:

"Begin with yourself. Breathe gently, and recite inwardly the following traditional phrases directed toward our own well-being. You being with yourself because without loving yourself it is almost impossible to love others.

May I be filled with lovingkindness.
May I be safe from inner and outer dangers.
May I be well in body and mind.
May I be at ease and happy.

As you repeat these phrases, picture yourself as you are now, and hold that image in a heart of lovingkindness. Or perhaps you will find it easier to picture yourself as a young and beloved child. Adjust the words and images in any way you wish. Create the exact phrases that best open your heart of kindness. Repeat these phrases over and over again, letting the feelings permeate your body and mind. Practice this meditation for a number of weeks, until the sense of lovingkindness for yourself grows.

Be aware that this meditation may at times feel mechanical or awkward. It can also bring up feelings contrary to lovingkindness, feelings of irritation and anger. If this happens, it is especially important to be patient and kind toward yourself, allowing whatever arises to be received in a spirit of friendliness and kind affection. When you feel you have established some stronger sense of lovingkindness for yourself, you can then expand your meditation to include others."

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Adventures in Acupuncture

Five weeks ago I started acupuncture to help with my bipolar disorder. It seems to be helping as I am finally getting numerous days in a row that do not end up in manic meltdowns. I am able to handle things a better and have more functional time during the day. I have actually been letting my husband sleep and not talking to him all night, which he is very happy about. It takes at least a few months to be sure a treatment is working, but this looks promising. Part of the actual experience of getting the acupuncture though was an adventure for me though.

I have no trouble with needles so I did not anticipate any issues with getting acupuncture. However, at my first appointment, after the practitioner put all the needles in me and left the room, I instantly panicked. For some reason it did not cross my mind earlier that someone who has panic attacks being in confined areas might have a serious problem with being basically pinned down and unable to move, at all.

I had one of my worst panic attacks that day because I could not get out of the situation I was in without serious pain and I could not do any of the little things I usually do to try and calm myself down. You can not really move any part of your body because the needles really hurt if you move. It's fine if you lie still, but I tried to wiggle my fingers to clench my hand, which I do when I am panicking, and it was extremely painful. Technically I could get up, with the pain, but really, what would I do then with no clothes on and tons of needles all over me? There is really no where for a human pin cushion to go.

Attempting to relax. Photo by J. Norris

That was one of the worst half hours of my life. I kept panicking, fearing I would get sick, unable to move, knowing I could yell for help but that would be extremely embarrassing.

Apparently, most people fall asleep during acupuncture and they find it very relaxing. I find it excruciatingly terrifying and I lay there doing anything to try and distract myself- singing songs in my head, counting, but mostly I kept saying over and over again in my mind "When is this going to be over?"

Until we can figure out how to get rid of my panic, I can not go to acupuncture by myself. So, my loving husband takes three hours out of his week to go with me (between driving there and back, meeting with the practitioner, getting all the needles put in, laying there, and getting everything removed.) It may sound odd that he would figure out how to go with me, but the acupuncture seems to work enough that it is worth all the time and effort.

Some days I am able to lay there quietly and we both get some meditation time in, which is nice and he finds that quite relaxing. Other times I am an anxious wreck and I have him talk to me to try and make the time pass faster.

My acupuncturinst is not quite sure what to do with me and the anxiety since he has not had anyone have acupuncture make them so anxious, every time. Then I realized though that most people who have severe anxiety over being confined would never get acupuncture in the first place.

I am glad I did not think this whole thing through and realize acupuncture would cause me to panic because then I would have missed out on a treatment that really helps me- better than medications have done. Even if acupuncture makes you nervous for any number of reasons, I would encourage you to try it because it might really help.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie